Etsy Finds: I Love the 80's

I love the 80's.

I love them so much that I've spent the entire morning trying to find the words to describe my feelings.

I haven't come up with much:

If I could have gotten a college degree in the 80's, I would have.
However, I was, like, 2 years-old in the 80's, so I would have been a really f'ing smart baby.
I'd been the most knowledged person in all things 80's and blow you away with my comprehension of Prince's discography and other things like that.
Can you imagine a 2 year-old who can sing every single Prince song?
I didn't think so.

That's about as much as I could come up with.

In lieu of what words can't describe, please check out these awesome 80's finds on Etsy:

You're the Hall to my Oates. $5

The closest I will ever get to that hot, bristly goodness. $16

For when my honey and I get married. $35

Haven't you always wanted a bunch of little, tiny Michaels adorning the walls of your Crate & Barrel catalog home? $10.99

This one defies words $17.95

To use while eating your favorite Rocky Road ice cream. $15

"Gozer the Traveler. He will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the rectification of the Vuldrini, the traveler came as a large and moving Torg! Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant Slor! Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!" $30

Neal: Del... Why did you kiss my ear?

Del: Why are you holding my hand?

Neal:[frowns] Where's your other hand?

Del: Between two pillows...

Neal; Those aren't pillows!
$11.99

Well fuck you, for sure, like totally! $200

The cutest part of Labyrinth (outside of David Bowie's package). $45

I _____ Crispin Glover. $25.99

Maybe my new favorite artist. $15

Who needs paper dolls? I still dress up as Bowie. At night. In the dark. Alone. $18

Fashion Find- Master & Servant

Do you have that one dress, one pair of hot pants, or that one hat that always compels people to stop you, grab you arm, and say in a low voice, "Where on Earth did you get that?"

Well I just found me a pair of socks that garnered lots of comments at Whole Foods yesterday ('cause you have to look good when you go to Whole Foods).

And an awkward run-in with a security guard at Wells Fargo.

The security guard was sitting on a bench, and I think she quietly said, "I like your boots" (meaning she liked my awesome kick-ass lace-up slippers) as I walked by. I didn't quite hear what she said, so I turned and gave a slight smile. The sort of smile that says, "I have no idea if you were talking to me or not, but here, here is a half smile to sort of acknowledge what you said". I started obsessing over whether or not she was talking to me and I started to sweat. I wanted to walk up to her and say, "Thank you!", but the time for that had past and I started to rock back and forth in line. When I left the bank and nodded to her, she stared at me stone-faced and I was convinced that she now hated me for giving her a half-ass smile in return for her very sweet compliment.

So you wanna know what socks will get you compliments at Whole Foods and awkward Larry David-like situations at banks?

The Lacy Lace-up Slipper Socks by Sock Theory.

The best part?

They're $7.

They also come in white.

Make sure to check out Sock Theory's broad collection of unique socks, leg warmers, arm warmers, knee-highs, and panty-hose. Definitely my new favorite online store.

Here are few pics of me wearing my new lace-up's. I had to cut my head out because the sun was so bright yesterday, between my squinting and scrunched up mouth while squinting, I looked like what would happen if Renee Zellweger and Sloth procreated.

Also, I don't shine my shoes. Obs.

Fashion- But Where is the Kings of Leon Snuggie?

Word on the street is that the Followill Dynasty designed some pretty expensive clothing for the Parisian clothing line/creative agency Surface2Air which will be sold exclusively at the Copenhagen boutique Paris Texas. For $1150 you can buy this jacket:

Or you can buy this flannel for I don't know how much, but probably a friggin' lot for something you can buy at Goodwill:

Also part of the collection? Jeans and fedoras.

Nothing about this line says new and exciting. In fact, Austinites have been wearing this shit for years, Followill Clan (except for the fedroas...the only people who wear fedoras are Britney Spears circa 2005 and 2006).
Maybe that's why you decided to sell your clothing in a European clothing store called Paris Texas, right? RIGHT?

What is it lately with the rock star clothing line trend?

Weezer recently designed ("designed" being used loosely) a Snuggie for the release of their not highly anticipated album "Raditude".

Bono and his wife, Wife Bono, created an eco-friendly clothing line called Edun, after his great-great-great-great aunt, the famous Irish River Dancer, Edun Bono.

Beyonce's has a line called House of Dereon, in white I want to call House of Derriere, because it sounds a lot better.

And then these guys, who I'm too lazy to write about or include pictures for. I care that little.

Will.i.am's strangely titled I.Am Clothing 

Gwen Stefani's L.A.M.B.

Fashion Trend- Biker Baby

All I keep hearing about is how the fashion trend for 2010 is going to be motorcycle everything. Motorcycle jeans, motorcycle jackets, motorcycle boots, motorcycle-infused Acai beverages.

Though I dig the trend, I just try to imagine myself as a biker chick, driving around LA/NYC, shaking my head in disgust as I watch hoards of 14 year-old fashionistas parading down the street wearing shit that probably weighs more than they do. I'd pull over and say, "Hey little girl, you look like a bas ass biker. Here, why don't you take my bike for a spin. Oh wait, I forget, I took the training wheels off yesterday! HA HA HA!" Then I'd jump on my bike and drive away bellowing a maniacal laugh and feeling all smug-like.

Unfortunately, in reality, I'd probably be the asshole walking down the street.

(Lauren, just because your Dad owned a motorcycle doesn't make you biker chick).

Let's take a look at some of these items for 2010.

The Motorcycle Jean

Whoa, I see an epic camel toe coming on...

The Motorcycle Jacket

E! told me that the black motorcycle jacket is out, and the white motorcycle jacket is in.

And E! knows everything. EVERYTHING!

(pictured nabbed from Omiru)

The Motorcycle Boot

I can't think of anything interesting to say. I really really like these.

What are your thoughts on this trend?

Televangelism Fashion

Sometimes I think about turning my blog into a fashion blog.

Fashion blogs always seem to be the belle of the ball.

The hit of the party.

The slut of the kegger.

They always get the most traffic and the most comments.

Which is interesting, because they're usually written by a doe-eyed thirteen year-old girl from Winnipeg who likes to stand pigeon-toed and wear her Grandma's reading glasses.

Anytime I do write about fashion, it's one of three things- vintage clothing, making fun of American Apparel, and making fun of American Apparel while forgetting that I'm wearing an entire American Apparel ensemble.

However, I thought today that I might write a fashion post for a dude named Oral.

Yes, Oral.

Oral died yesterday and I had no idea who the heck he was. In fact, I'm super hung-up on the fact that a couple decided to name their kid Oral and haven't read anything past that.

According to CNN, he was an extremely old Evangelist.

This is very fitting because I've always had a thing for popular, eccentric televangelists.

Not a "Mmm...I want to jump their God-fearing bones" kind of thing, but a, "Wow! Look at them sweat through that polyester suit!" kind of thing.

So in honor of a man who's name goes well with the words "hygiene" and "herpes", I'm declaring today, "Dress like an Televangelist Day".

No, wait!

Let's make it tomorrow.

Because you're probably already at work and I'm guessing you didn't wear your horn-rimmed glasses and rayon slacks today (if you did, send me a picture. I probably love you).

How do you dress like a televangelist you ask? It's simple!

1.) Every televangelist must have a pair of glasses that I only can describe as "Those ridiculous things on George Bush Sr.'s face" You can pick up a copy here, at (surprise!) American Apparel.

2.) Want to physcially get closer to God? Well, take Jan Crouch's example! The best I could come up with is "The Disco II Clown" wig. However, you would have to wear five of these wigs on top of each other to compete with this lady.

3.) No weave is complete without some old-fashioned hair pomade!

4.) An entire bottle of mascara on your face every morning!

5.) Make sure you raid your parents closet before you head to the thrift store for these outfits. Your parents probably don't want you to know, but they once wore things that would set the house on fire instantaneously.

*Please note- I'm actually putting a stupid ass declaimer here.

This post is not suggesting anything about Christianity.

I just think televangelists are neat-o looking. :)

Tonya Harding's Jeans Are the Best Aphrodisiac

I discovered via one of my favorite websites, Buzzfeed, that ex figure-skater/Queen of the Mom Jean Tonya Harding has a website.

It's just not any ol' website.

Ms. Harding shares with us beautiful photos center-piecing full denim ensembles, passive-agressive comments like, "Tonya Harding is an intelligent, caring and very sensitive person. Even though she will deny it to some of her friends, ugly remarks hurt her feelings", and erotic fan fiction.

Yep.

Just when *you thought you didn't have an outlet for your fantasies involving circa 1990 sequined leotards and crimped hair, you find out about Tonya Harding Fantasies.
*You=I.

Tonya Harding Fantasies isn't new. In fact, there are over 1587 stories from various shut-ins, illiterates, sexually frustrated middle-aged shoe salesman, and 26 year-old female bloggers from Austin.

Here are some snippets of my favorite Tonya Harding fanstasies....

-I've often fantasized about taking her to a recently erupted volcano, because I know she has to be sick of the cold. We could lay on top of cooled magma rocks and just make out until were on fire.

-I was super lucky finding Tonya walking outside at 4am in the morning...I picked her up, she knew me through a friend. However, she had this little problem...she started to smoke crack and didn't want anyone to know.

-Iwould like to take tonya to the nasa space camp, use the anti Gravity room to give her the most unforgettable night of her life .

Here is one of my Tonya Harding fantasies that I've been working on for awhile:

Tonya,
Ur high waisted stone washed jeans r so sexy. I just want to put them on and pretend that I am Kelly Kapowski. I will figure skate around in ur jeans and the judges will give me 99.99 for the most awesome camel toe they have ever seen. When I'm done skating, I will fall into a bed of scrunchies and make sweet love to a man w/ a mustache. Please don't join us. My Tonya Harding fantasy has nothing to do with u. In fact, I don't even want u watching. Just give me the jeans, scrunchies, and Jeff Gillooly. U just keep standing next to that tree.

Luv,

Lauren

Thank You For the Big Schnoz, Great-Grandma Sophie

Like every modern vintage lovin'/aspiring DIY hipster in Austin, TX, I will attempt to sell old clothing.

Wait. "Old clothing" makes it sound smelly; like it's been sitting in some shut-in's trunk in the basement for 35 years. These are "carefully selected vintage styles most likely owned by old ladies who took better care of their dresses than their children".

SGF and I did a photo shoot this weekend for my impending Etsy page. These are some out takes.

What do you all think?

Or better yet, does anyone want to buy one of these pieces?

Girl not included, but beer can definitely is.

I Have a Friend Who Has a Friend That Got Crabs From Trying on Vintage Clothing

I'm looking down at my desk and there are CRUMBS EVERYWHERE!

Enjoy these photos of us wearing American Apparel's California Select while I clean this shit up....

(P.S. you can buy all this jazz at the American Apparel store on Congress)

Emily loves Crepes Mille.

Richard loves pole.

Ben loves America. And denim. America and denim.

Lauren loves sparkles. SPARKLES, SPARKLES, SPARKLES!

Frances really loves the flavorful Italian cuisine at Botticelli's

Ben and Lauren love awkward, subtitled conversations overlooking Manhattan (or in this case, St. Vincent de Paul's Charity Store parking lot)