Etsy Finds: I Love the 80's

I love the 80's.

I love them so much that I've spent the entire morning trying to find the words to describe my feelings.

I haven't come up with much:

If I could have gotten a college degree in the 80's, I would have.
However, I was, like, 2 years-old in the 80's, so I would have been a really f'ing smart baby.
I'd been the most knowledged person in all things 80's and blow you away with my comprehension of Prince's discography and other things like that.
Can you imagine a 2 year-old who can sing every single Prince song?
I didn't think so.

That's about as much as I could come up with.

In lieu of what words can't describe, please check out these awesome 80's finds on Etsy:

You're the Hall to my Oates. $5

The closest I will ever get to that hot, bristly goodness. $16

For when my honey and I get married. $35

Haven't you always wanted a bunch of little, tiny Michaels adorning the walls of your Crate & Barrel catalog home? $10.99

This one defies words $17.95

To use while eating your favorite Rocky Road ice cream. $15

"Gozer the Traveler. He will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the rectification of the Vuldrini, the traveler came as a large and moving Torg! Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant Slor! Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!" $30

Neal: Del... Why did you kiss my ear?

Del: Why are you holding my hand?

Neal:[frowns] Where's your other hand?

Del: Between two pillows...

Neal; Those aren't pillows!
$11.99

Well fuck you, for sure, like totally! $200

The cutest part of Labyrinth (outside of David Bowie's package). $45

I _____ Crispin Glover. $25.99

Maybe my new favorite artist. $15

Who needs paper dolls? I still dress up as Bowie. At night. In the dark. Alone. $18

The World Is A Better Place Because of Crispin Glover...Or Is It?

I think I'm going to come up with a new phrase.

It's called "Crispiny".

When a friend of yours is doing something really fucking weird, let's say, like, mowing their lawn in asymmetrical patterns at nighttime with no pants on, or eating candy that they found on a bus seat right after a lady of the night got up from said seat and tries to explain to you that they, "wanted to get a better idea of what street walkers feel and think", or standing on the street corner shouting The Carpenters lyrics very angry-like, you can say, "Dude, you're acting super Crispiny right now."

And what does "Crispiny" reference?

Well, I'm sure I don't have to explain considering there is only one cultural icon with the name Crispin.

Actually, it looks like there was a St. Crispin in the 3rd Century, but unless he ran around with a severe hair part and collected medical equipment, I think you know who I'm talking about.

Crispin Hellion Glover.

It's hard to imagine that Crispin Glover has been acting for for almost 30 years.
The man's face hasn't changed AT ALL within that time.

1985

2008

The fact that he has not aged (and directs Shakespearean interpretations performed by people with Down Syndrome, dresses like a Nazi at Halloween parties, and dates women with more plastic in their bodies than a recycling plant), only lends to his creepiness factor.

Just ask my friend, *Gene Snozberry (Not his real name):

Me: What are your thoughts on Crispin Glover, Gene?

Gene: We had an intern at work a little while back who SOUNDED just like him. He had that like super slow delivery? Almost like a chronic stutterer whom has reformed his speech JUST enough to keep from doubling back on his syllables, but not enough to speak fluidly with any confidence. It's just this creepy drawl that keeps you hanging on his every word while backing slowly toward the exit...I was sort of afraid to be alone with that intern. That's the thing about Crispin Glover, he IS alienation. Has he ever played a character that didn't beam out creepy outsider in every direction? God, I love when creepy weirdos are well represented in cinema. It gives girls a point of reference when they encounter one of us in the wild. And for that, I salute you, Crispin Glover. Plus...he kind of made it okay to smell women's hair when they're not looking.

And then we got into a discussion on whether or not Gene smells women's hair and he said "no" and I said I don't either, but I did have a boyfriend who would take my shoe off in the middle of dinner at a restaurant and smell it and we decided that was really freaking strange. "Crispiny", if I may.

So why is a man who makes one feel like they've put cockroaches on their anus loved by legions of females and subsequently males who feel better about themselves knowing that legions of females love a man like Crispin Glover?

I really don't have an answer for that other than that he's fucking weird and we must all be really perverted. Read my story about meeting Crispin here.

Oh, and he's actually a pretty good actor...AND I WILL ARGUE WITH ANYONE TO THE DEATH ON THIS.

What is your favorite Crispin Glover performance?

Yes, I saw Ben at the movie theater three times and I loved it.

I'm making my lunch!

Crispin Glover is My Density

When I was a child, I lusted after Doc Brown.
I used to write my name as "Mrs. Emmett Brown" on notebooks.
My mother thought it was f'ing weird. My classmates gave me strange looks.

I mean, it wasn't Christopher Lloyd that I was jonesin' for.
There was just something about that wild white hair and manic eyes. I swooned after his near autistic dedication to science and inability to interact with anyone socially.
And that car!
Yep, Doc Brown could get my motor up to 88 miles per hour (weak).

But as time went on and puberty set in, my appetite towards Doc changed and my interest started to fall towards another.

Someone equally as brilliant and likely to have Asperger's, but yet more refined. Like a fine Merlot.

With that strong jaw line, beautiful laugh, and amazing part in his hair- George McFly quickly won over my affections.

Why didn't I see it when I was younger!? This man is beautiful!

My interest in George began to deepen and deepen. The pangs of desire would keep me up at night. It was getting serious. How I longed to hear the words, "Lauren, you are my den-sity!"

Eventually, the crush leaked over into real life where I made it a life-long mission to see every Crispin Glover movie. I bought his record "The Big Problem Does Not Equal the Solution, The Solution Equals Let It Be" ("I hate you clowny clown clown!"). I watched his independent film,WHAT IS IT?, staring actors with Down Syndrome. I even sat through CHARLIE'S ANGELS 1 + 2 (Justin Theroux's abs took a strong second to the most interesting thing about the sequel).

Then one day, on a not so special day in January, the stars aligned and Crispin and I crossed paths. It was the Sundance Film Festival 2005. I was wandering around one of many butt sniffing industry parties when my boss, Dana, shouted, "There goes your man!"

"My man?"

"You know, that freak that you always talk about?" Dana said.

"Oh! My man!"

I quickly spun around to see a dark shadow filter through the crowd.

Was it really him!?

Without thinking, I dashed into the party. I marched up and down the room desperately searching for my love. Finally, when I was about to give up all hope, the sea of scenesters parted ways and like a shining beacon, I spotted the illusive figure in the back of the room. With his back turned towards me and a single silhouette of smoke rising above his head, I floated up and gently tapped him on the shoulder.

It was him!

There was something Godly about him (or Ungodly- take your pick).

That snow-white tan! That slippery snake hair! That gawky body! That indifferent demeanor! All of it hadn't changed since 1985. It was as if he had been pickled.

I was staring at a beautiful artifact in a mortician's garb.

"Mr Glover, may I take a picture with you?" I stuttered.

He leaned in, put his strong hand around my waist, and whispered into my ear, "Yes, Lauren. I've been waiting for you. You are my DES-TINY."

Then we kissed.

THE END.

Look how incredibly happy we are

One Day When I Finish My Screenplay...

...This is who I'm going to cast.

(I have yet to write said screenplay, so, I guess...umm....we'll have to make up the characters RIGHT NOW!)

"Steinbergs in Space"

"Mervin Steinberg" played by Rick Moranis.

Bumbling, nerdy father who also happens to be an astronaut stricken with Tourettes.

I've had a crush on Moranis since I first saw GHOSTBUSTERS when I was four (that's actually a lie, my first crush was Egon Spangler, but as I got older, it shifted to Louis Tully). In my mind, Moranis has created some of the most memorable characters in contemporary film- Bob McKenzie, Louis Tully, Seymour Krelborn, and Dark Helmut (lest I forget Barry Nye, Barney Coopersmith, and Wayne Szalinski as well). This Canadian comedian has done it all; rock DJ, sketch comedy actor, country singer, single Dad. Moranis has kept his career pretty low key since the passing of his wife in 1991.

In 1998, I legally changed my name to Lauren Moranis.

"Janice Steinberg" played by Deborah Foreman

Hot Mom married to Mervin. Is a devoted mother, wife, and interior space designer.

When I think of 80's babe, I think of Phoebe Cates (who doesn't think of Phoebe Cates?). After I'm done thinking of Phoebe Cates, I think of Deborah Foreman. Foreman is best known as Julie Richman in "Valley Girl" and Muffy/Buffy St. John in the horror classic(?) "April Fool's Day".

"Lucky Steinberg" played by Curtis Armstrong

The alcoholic brother of Mervin, Lucky spends his days being an intergalactic black jack dealer and pushing weighted cocaine (so it like, doesn't fly up into space when you're trying to do a line, you know?)

If you don't know who Curtis Armstrong is, you should be shot. He's Booger, he's Herbert Quentin Viola, and he's John Cusack's best friend in "Better Off Dead". He's the second man I fantasize about at night (after Moranis).

"DeeDee Steinberg" played by Amy Sedaris

Mervin and Janice's daughter is a full-time ventriloquist. Obsessive compulsive, the townspeople often spot her picking up garbage around town with her dummy, Skippy.

Amy is who I would like to be when I grow up. If not for comic wit and good looks, then for making killer cheeseballs and having an imaginary boyfriend named Ricky. Oh wait. Ricky died. Glenn. Glenn the disabled marine.

"Tex Langford" played by Charles Rocket

Tex is the nosey neighbor to the Steinbergs. He enjoys barbequing nude and singing opera at night.

Sure, he might be dead, but that's not going to stop me from casting him in "Steinbergs in Space". You may know Rocket best from his role as the villain in "Dumb and Dumber". Or if you are a little more sensitive of b-list actors who committed suicide like myself, you may recognize him as Bruce Willis' brother in "Moonlighting", Ned Grossberg on "Max Headroom", or the Weekend Update anchor on the '80-'81 season of "SNL". Rocket was part of the cool kid set at RISD in the 70's, which eventually moved to Manhattan. He can be seen on old episodes of "TV Party". I was fortunate enough to have met Rocket at the "TV Party" documentary premiere in Tribeca. A few months later he killed himself by slitting his own throat in his backyard. RIP Charles Rocket.

"Jesse Darkman" played by Crispin Glover

DeeDee's boyfriend who is head of a crime syndicate known for producing and selling weighted space cocaine.

Oh. Where do I begin with Crispin? Crispin, that day I met you at Sundance, the anxious look you gave me, the sweat lining the brim of your perfect hairline, the wool suit you were wearing that looked like it was stolen from a cadaver... that memory has never left me. Never.

"Scrappy McGaggle" played by Harpo Marx

The half-dog, half-man butler of the Steinbergs. He is secretly in love with Janice and is plotting to rid of Mervin.

Harpo Marx would be 122 this year. He was the reason why I wanted to move to Hollywood. After reading Harpo's autobiography, I was determined to make his story. Why I thought everyone shared the same love for a silent comedian from the turn of the century is beyond me. A wonderful friend introduced me to Harpo's son, Bill, and to this day, I still can't believe it. It was like talking to the bouncer of God's doorway.

Ok, now I need a plot.

Any suggestions?