Halloween Costume Ideas for Girls With Penis Envy

For whatever reason, when I dress up- for Halloween or not-Halloween- I like to either go as 1.) a man or 2.) a woman who dresses like a man or 3.) a crazy old woman. Dressing as someone from my own gender or my own generation just doesn't seem like an option.

I've been this way ever since I was a little girl. I'm not sure what it means, but I have a feeling Freud would have a few theories on it.

So, if you're one of those girls who likes donning a mustache and tie from time-to-time, here are some Halloween ideas to fill that itch.

This year I will be going as two of these costumes combined- Frida Mercury.

For a lot of these outfits, I would tell you to start by looking at the thrift store, but for purposes of the blog, I will share online purchases I have found.

1.) Pee-Wee Herman- The key to dressing like Pee-Wee is getting a suit one size too small. This can be very challenging as it's often difficult for women to find a men's two piece gray suit that is too small for her. 

Believe me, I've tried:

Suit- This suit I found for around $60 on Ebay. It can be tailored to different sizes. It comes from a general men's suit wholesaler, but the seller must have had a sense of humor by pairing up the suit with a red bow-tie. This suit makes me think it's what Pee-Wee would wear if he was cast in a James Bond movie. I found other gray suit options at Gap and Express, but they cost a pretty penny.

Bowtie- $1.49 on Amazon

Shoes- Again, I would look for these in a thrift store, but I found these on Zappos for $46.

Benetint- No PW outfit is complete without the rouged lips and cheeks- $28 (will last you forever)

Hair- As for hair, ladies, I would just try to slick it back as much as possible and draw a little widow's peak in the front.

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2.) Freddie Mercury- Who doesn't want to be Freddie Mercury? He oozed confidence and passion and talent and wonder. He wore whatever he wanted and he got away with it. The costume belowk combines 70's Freddie (sans mustache, longer hair) with 80's Freddie (mustache, shorter hair):

Shiny Suspender Bodysuit-  These are 50% off at American Apparel- $18. Ladies, unless you want your ta-ta's hanging out (which doesn't stop the American Apparel models in the photos), you should wear a nude bodysuit underneath the suspenders.
Shiny Leggings- These are 20% off at American Apparel- $37
Buck Teeth- These puppies are $35 and pretty solid, but I'm sure you can find cheap-o ones in the Halloween store.
Chest Hair- There is something extraordinarily disturbing about that photo below. It looks like a boring merkin. Alternatively, you could just cut up hair from a wig and spirit gum it to your chest or nude bodysuit- $36
Mustache- $8.99 and well worth it...a lady should always stock up on mustaches.
Hair- Again, I would slick back as much as possible or.... I have no idea how to tell you to get that hairstyle above.

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3.) Frida Kahlo- Due to polio that caused one leg to look different from the other, Kahlo wore long billowy skirts that covered her legs. Kahlo wore a lot of traditional Mexican dresses, skirts, and blouses, and rarely went without flowers in her hair:

Blouse and Skirt- Any Mexican dress or blouse and skirt should work for this. You can find them on Ebay or Etsy, but I found this one for $75 at La Mariposa Imports.
Shawl- Kahlo rarely went without a shawl as well- $48 from Frida Fashions
Hair Clip- $16 on Etsy and make sure you put your hair in a braid in the back.
Mustache- Buy two- one to put on your eyebrows and the other to wear above your lip- $8.99
Jewelry- Any over-sized and long costume jewelry should work.

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4.) Annie Hall- The reigning Queen of women's men's fashion. Her look has always remained timeless. The key to this outfit? Confidence. Unlike Pee-Wee, you should find clothing that just a little too big for you, but not unflattering.

Vest- Again, I suggest that you just go to a thrift store for this. Any men's vest and shirt should suffice for this outfit or- $50 at Gap.
Pants- Rummage your closet for those Gap khakis you bought back in 1999 or buy new ones- $44 at Gap
Hat- A purchase that you will wear time and time again- $15.80 at Forever 21
Tie- $9.90 at Forever 21
Sunglasses- $10 at Urban Outfitters

My Favorite Movies and TV Shows As Explained by Tattoos

While researching for an essay about my extreme attraction to Gene Wilder as Dr. Frederick Frankenstein in Young Frankenstein, I came across tremendous tattoos of him in various poses of yelling and screaming. This got me Googling tattoos of other films and characters that I adore and I was struck at the extreme dedication of some fans and the impressive talent of so many tattoo artists.

Below are my favorite movies and TV shows as seen by tattoos. Unfortunately, I had to edit my list since 1.) I could not find any tattoos of the movie Secretary or of James Spader. When Googling, "Secretary Tattoo", one ends up with a page full of aesthetically questionable women in secretary outfits licking a man's swollen...and 2.) Surprisingly could not find any Spinal Tap tattoos except for a pretty lame Shark Sandwich one and 3.) Also could not find any Kids in the Hall, Newsradio, or Six Feet Under tattoos.

Pee-Wee's Big Adventure- When I was a little girl, I used to put on white patent leather platforms that my Grandmother kept in her clothing store as a "boost" for brides trying on their future bridal gowns. When they weren't in use, I would put them on and stand in the store window doing the "Tequila" dance for passersby.

Back to the Future- My first tangible crush was on Doc Brown. At the age of eight, I would doodle his name over and over in my notebook. I used to imagine what it would be like living in his workshop and taking second to his machinery.

Annie Hall- I'll never forget the first time I saw Annie Hall. I was fifteen years old and my mind had just been blown with the realization that there were people out there like me. Quirky people. Neurotic people. People who nervously and incessantly talked about themselves while flailing their arms around.

Young Frankenstein- Gene Wilder might have been my second crush. I just wanted to run my tiny little girl hands through his mass of cotton candy blonde hair all day, every day.

The Jerk- When I was five, my mother chased me around our family business with a brush, yelling, "Lauren, let me brush your hair! You look like a bum!" I stopped cold in my tracks. I turned to her, put my hands on my hips, and said, "I'm not a bum, I'm a JERK!"

Stop Making Sense- I'll never forget the first time I saw this movie. I was sixteen and rented the 15th Anniversary DVD of Stop Making Sense. By the end of the first song, Psycho Killer, I was floored. I had never seen a singer act so...so....weird! Halfway through, when the lights grew dark and David Byrne appeared with a lamp in front of giant panels displaying conceptual photography, I realized that I was in love.

Beetlejuice- At about six, I watched this movie every day for three months straight much to my parent's dismay. Another dance that I would share to no one in particular was the "Day Oh" dance- equipped with awkward facial expressions and fall over at the end.

Any Marx Brothers Movie- I must have been around thirteen when I first saw the Marx Brothers. I was struck at how their humor- 1920's/1930's humor- seemed so timeless. In fact, even now there is nothing quite like it. My favorite Marx Brother is Harpo- always and forever.

Obviously this man really loves the Marx Brothers too....and Metallica. Don't you remember Larso Marx?

Twin Peaks- I rented the entire series of Twin Peaks on VHS from our local Hollywood Video my senior year of high school. I could not peel myself away from the TV for two weeks while I anxiously awaited each episode. By the time I watched the finale one morning at 2AM, I nearly pissed myself in excitement. I woke my boyfriend up and shouted, "Cooper is in the Red Room!" and he mumbled something about my weirdness and went back to sleep.

X-Files- Mulder and Scully are the reason why I have trouble dating. They pummeled into me that relationships should be awkward and difficult and drawn out. I watched every single episode of this show and tried nicknaming myself "Spooky"- but it didn't hold.

Arrested Development- Well, there is nothing that can be said for how amazing this show was. Any words I may use will just pale in its awesomeness.

Etsy Finds: I Love the 80's

I love the 80's.

I love them so much that I've spent the entire morning trying to find the words to describe my feelings.

I haven't come up with much:

If I could have gotten a college degree in the 80's, I would have.
However, I was, like, 2 years-old in the 80's, so I would have been a really f'ing smart baby.
I'd been the most knowledged person in all things 80's and blow you away with my comprehension of Prince's discography and other things like that.
Can you imagine a 2 year-old who can sing every single Prince song?
I didn't think so.

That's about as much as I could come up with.

In lieu of what words can't describe, please check out these awesome 80's finds on Etsy:

You're the Hall to my Oates. $5

The closest I will ever get to that hot, bristly goodness. $16

For when my honey and I get married. $35

Haven't you always wanted a bunch of little, tiny Michaels adorning the walls of your Crate & Barrel catalog home? $10.99

This one defies words $17.95

To use while eating your favorite Rocky Road ice cream. $15

"Gozer the Traveler. He will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the rectification of the Vuldrini, the traveler came as a large and moving Torg! Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant Slor! Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!" $30

Neal: Del... Why did you kiss my ear?

Del: Why are you holding my hand?

Neal:[frowns] Where's your other hand?

Del: Between two pillows...

Neal; Those aren't pillows!
$11.99

Well fuck you, for sure, like totally! $200

The cutest part of Labyrinth (outside of David Bowie's package). $45

I _____ Crispin Glover. $25.99

Maybe my new favorite artist. $15

Who needs paper dolls? I still dress up as Bowie. At night. In the dark. Alone. $18