Halloween Costume Ideas for Girls With Penis Envy

For whatever reason, when I dress up- for Halloween or not-Halloween- I like to either go as 1.) a man or 2.) a woman who dresses like a man or 3.) a crazy old woman. Dressing as someone from my own gender or my own generation just doesn't seem like an option.

I've been this way ever since I was a little girl. I'm not sure what it means, but I have a feeling Freud would have a few theories on it.

So, if you're one of those girls who likes donning a mustache and tie from time-to-time, here are some Halloween ideas to fill that itch.

This year I will be going as two of these costumes combined- Frida Mercury.

For a lot of these outfits, I would tell you to start by looking at the thrift store, but for purposes of the blog, I will share online purchases I have found.

1.) Pee-Wee Herman- The key to dressing like Pee-Wee is getting a suit one size too small. This can be very challenging as it's often difficult for women to find a men's two piece gray suit that is too small for her. 

Believe me, I've tried:

Suit- This suit I found for around $60 on Ebay. It can be tailored to different sizes. It comes from a general men's suit wholesaler, but the seller must have had a sense of humor by pairing up the suit with a red bow-tie. This suit makes me think it's what Pee-Wee would wear if he was cast in a James Bond movie. I found other gray suit options at Gap and Express, but they cost a pretty penny.

Bowtie- $1.49 on Amazon

Shoes- Again, I would look for these in a thrift store, but I found these on Zappos for $46.

Benetint- No PW outfit is complete without the rouged lips and cheeks- $28 (will last you forever)

Hair- As for hair, ladies, I would just try to slick it back as much as possible and draw a little widow's peak in the front.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2.) Freddie Mercury- Who doesn't want to be Freddie Mercury? He oozed confidence and passion and talent and wonder. He wore whatever he wanted and he got away with it. The costume belowk combines 70's Freddie (sans mustache, longer hair) with 80's Freddie (mustache, shorter hair):

Shiny Suspender Bodysuit-  These are 50% off at American Apparel- $18. Ladies, unless you want your ta-ta's hanging out (which doesn't stop the American Apparel models in the photos), you should wear a nude bodysuit underneath the suspenders.
Shiny Leggings- These are 20% off at American Apparel- $37
Buck Teeth- These puppies are $35 and pretty solid, but I'm sure you can find cheap-o ones in the Halloween store.
Chest Hair- There is something extraordinarily disturbing about that photo below. It looks like a boring merkin. Alternatively, you could just cut up hair from a wig and spirit gum it to your chest or nude bodysuit- $36
Mustache- $8.99 and well worth it...a lady should always stock up on mustaches.
Hair- Again, I would slick back as much as possible or.... I have no idea how to tell you to get that hairstyle above.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

3.) Frida Kahlo- Due to polio that caused one leg to look different from the other, Kahlo wore long billowy skirts that covered her legs. Kahlo wore a lot of traditional Mexican dresses, skirts, and blouses, and rarely went without flowers in her hair:

Blouse and Skirt- Any Mexican dress or blouse and skirt should work for this. You can find them on Ebay or Etsy, but I found this one for $75 at La Mariposa Imports.
Shawl- Kahlo rarely went without a shawl as well- $48 from Frida Fashions
Hair Clip- $16 on Etsy and make sure you put your hair in a braid in the back.
Mustache- Buy two- one to put on your eyebrows and the other to wear above your lip- $8.99
Jewelry- Any over-sized and long costume jewelry should work.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

4.) Annie Hall- The reigning Queen of women's men's fashion. Her look has always remained timeless. The key to this outfit? Confidence. Unlike Pee-Wee, you should find clothing that just a little too big for you, but not unflattering.

Vest- Again, I suggest that you just go to a thrift store for this. Any men's vest and shirt should suffice for this outfit or- $50 at Gap.
Pants- Rummage your closet for those Gap khakis you bought back in 1999 or buy new ones- $44 at Gap
Hat- A purchase that you will wear time and time again- $15.80 at Forever 21
Tie- $9.90 at Forever 21
Sunglasses- $10 at Urban Outfitters

Love of My Life Don't Leave Me! (Or: How I Hope to Fall in Love With a Mustachioed Gay Man Someday)

Expecting a desperate blog post plea to an ex-boyfriend?
Yeah, I did too.

Nah...I'm referring to the Queen song, "Love of My Life" and how the meaning behind put into perspective a statement that I admitted to myself for the first time recently.

"Love of My Life" was written by Freddie Mercury for Mary Austin.

Who is Mary Austin you ask?

Only the love of Freddie Mercury's life, duh.

Freddie and Mary were lovers for six years- before and during Queen's early rise to fame- until Freddie realized that he was as gay as the day is long. However, that didn't stop Freddie from loving Mary. He bought her a house next door to him and kept her on Queen payroll. Mary went everywhere with Freddie. He became godfather to her children and as he was dying from a grueling battle with AIDs, she was right by his side. When Freddie died, he bequeathed most of his fortune and gargantuan rock star house to Mary (leaving only $500,000 to his long-term boyfriend).

"Our love affair ended in tears," Freddie was quoted as saying. "But a deep bond grew out of it, and that's something nobody can take away from us. It's unreachable. All my lovers ask why they can't replace her, but it's simply impossible. The only friend I've got is Mary and I don't want anybody else. To me, she was my common-law wife. To me, it was a marriage. We believe in each other, that's enough for me."

"I lost somebody who I thought was my eternal love," Mary says. "When he died I felt we'd had a marriage. We'd lived our vows. We'd done it for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health. You could never have let go of Freddie unless he died- and even then it was difficult."

The statement I wrote the other night was, "I want to be in love."
It is a desire I've been in denial about for a very long time.
Wanting to experience love is an age-old human instinct, but yet it is something that I've been telling myself neither exists nor matters very much to me.

Coming across this song recently reminded me that love comes in my forms. It can transcend the sexual plane into something even deeper. The sort of love that spans decades up until one is the holding the hand of the other one dying.

We should all be so lucky to experience the sort of love that Freddie and Mary shared for each other.

Love of my life, you hurt me,
You've broken my heart, and now you leave me.

Love of my life can't you see,
Bring it back bring it back,
Don't take it away from me,
Because you don't know what it means to me.

Love of my life don't leave me,
You've stolen my love and now desert me,

Love of my life can't you see,
Bring it back bring it back,
Don't take it away from me,
Because you don't know what it means to me.

You will remember when this is blown over,
And everythings all by the way,
When I grow older,
I will be there at your side,
To remind you how I still love you
I still love you.

Hurry back hurry back,
Don't take it away from me,
Because you don't know what it means to me.

Love of my life,
Love of my life.



Do you have a love of your life?

Hipster Valentine's Gift Guide Pt. 1

It's that dreaded time of year.

That time where you have to buy your special lady or gentlemen friend a gift that says, "Hey, I guess I kind of like you." Or, "I'm completely broke right now, but hey thanks for letting me have sex with you, the best I can give you is your special edition record of "Power, Corruption & Lies" back."

If you're not sure what to get your non-prescription bespectacled lover, then look no further. I have just the thing for you!

1.) Nothing says "I love you" to your lady (or that "I'm secretly in love with mustached men and this is how I'm trying to tell you") more than a Tom Selleck pillow.

Make sure to check out their Chuck Norris and Burt Reynolds pillows as well.

Made in Austin! (of course! where else would you find something soooo ironic?)

(thanks @adleyh)

2.) If you don't know how to tell your baby that you want to bone him/her, then let the Michael McDonald Ultimate Collection do the talking. He knows how.

I can't even count how many times I've boned to McD!

(That's because it's never happened.) :(

(Thank you, Marcos, for recently using the word "boning" and inspiring the usage of that word in this post).

3.) Don't forget to thank your gay boyfriend with Patti Smith's autobiography about her relationship with Robert Mapplethorpe, "Just Kids". Who needs a hetereo boyfriend? Who? WHO NEEDS ONE?

4.) Need to tell your honey that you want to write a thinly disguised novel about how crazy she is? Then pick up a copy of F. Scott Fitzgerald's love letters to his wife, Zelda Sayre, "Dear Scott, Dearest Zelda".

5.) You can't forget about the Brandon Bird "Law & Order: SVU" Valentines' Day cards now, can you?

6.) If you're finding yourself all alone this Valentine's Day, then why not treat yourself to the Taschen published "The Big Penis Book"?

And I mean treat yourself.

Hairy Gay Men

As I anxiously await the Austin Bloggers Bleet-Up tomorrow, I've been biding my time (i.e. becoming categorically obsessed) with checking my blog referrals. I feel like I've suddenly been given a super human power. The power of peering into the human psyche and realizing that the entire world is one giant gay man.

Do you know the most commonly searched item in where my blog pops up, is "Hairy Gay Men" or "hairygaymen" (for you lazy people who don't like to hit the space bar, or does combining the words together symbolize some kinky shit that I don't understand?). Other search items are variations of the former such as "OLD GAY MEN ON VACATION PICTURES" and "Sailor Gay Man".

My favorite searches are probably "My roommate is like the one in Single White Female" and "Ice Buckets in Downtown L.A." (who Googles that?....or does it symbolize some kinky shit that I don't understand?)

Other honorbale mentions include:

Caleb Followill Sexy Dancing

Ruth Fisher Worst Character

Rob Evans Sucks Dick

Disco Pant

Discovering Sexuality

When I read these referrals, a strong image is conjured: A big gay "bear" sitting at his computer, shopping on AmericanApparel.net, watching "Six Feet Under" and thinking how much he hates his Mom, Kings of Leon playing in the background and daydreaming about the lead singer dancing with no shirt on.

YES! I've reached my intended audience (and let me tell you, in another life I would be a big hairy bear too).

P.S. I know Alec Baldwin is not gay. I can tell you from first-hand experience that he is AN ASS though.

Discovering Your Sexuality Through Hairy Gay Men

Remember that age when you started discovering your sexuality?

That awkward, dreadful time when you didn't understand why your male friends suddnely felt the urge to show you their penises while you were trying to reenact "X-files" episodes in the basement of your house, or why you got that funny feeling when you climbed the rope in gym?

When classmates started throwing around the words "pink", "taco", "tossing" and "salad" and you still thought they were talking about food, and your class president got detention for receiving something called a "blow job" on the 8th grade school trip to D.C.?

Then there you were. Clueless and wearing a sports bra. Fantisizing over a picture of a shirtless Elton John from 1972 hanging above your bed.

I wish I could say it was 1972 when I would gawk at this picture. That would make a little more sense.

I guess?

However, it was 1997. While all my friends carried pictures of Leonardo DiCaprio and Gavin Rossdale in their text books, I licked my lips over a twenty-five year old image of pudgy, gay piano-player.

We all know what Elton John looks like, but I'm going to paint you a portrait anyways. Here was a picture of quite possibly one of the most flamboyantly gay performers in history of the world with a pasty, doughy body covered in what looks like bear fur, standing in his shoe closet, wearing glittery high waisted pants with suspenders and no shirt. He had a shit-eating grinning on his face as he showed off his favorite pair of bejeweled platform shoes.

I was transfixed. At thirteen years old, I thought this was what a real man was like.

I have mostly likely sealed my fate by marrying a closeted homosexual who enjoys collecting shoes and Bedazzling his clothing.

Anyways, I just tried Googling "shirtless Elton John" and "Elton John with no shirt", but I'm guessing that's not a popular search item. In fact, the only images that come up are pictures of people one should normally lust after like, Hugh Jackman and Zac Efron.

...Gosh, I really wish I had that picture right now...

I love Chest Hair

TMI?

Maybe.

But I'm glad someone else feels the same way and felt the need to write about it.

I couldn't put this more eloquently myself; "When I meet a guy for the first time, I have no problem with his eyes wandering south for a second to check out my rack—that’s when I steal a glance at the little slip of landscape peeking out from the collar of his shirt. Is it heavily forested, gently grassy, or just a desert-like stretch of flesh, with nary a hair in sight to provide shade?"

I'm too afraid to wax poetic myself on chest hair at the moment. My Dad doesn't need to read about his daughter's acquired turn-on's (Dad, hopefully you haven't read this far yet, otherwise I'm kind of embarrassed right now).

Here are some pics of the Princes of Chest Hair. Tell me who you think takes the King Title!