Prince Pubic Hair Jeff Goldblum Boner Time

My mother always taught me to aim high and by God she taught me well for you see, Ladies and Gentlemen, I've discovered that when one Googles "Prince pubic hair", "Freddie Mercury chest hair" and "Jeff Goldblum boner" Hipstercrite is the very first search result that comes up on Google.

I know what you're thinking- that is some pretty impressive shit.

Well, it took me a very long time to get to Prince Pubic Hair Freddie Mercury Chest Hair Jeff Goldblum Boner status in life. I knew when I was a little girl that it would be a difficult task but one day, I would achieve such notoriety.

It wasn't an easy journey though.

The first time I wrote about Prince's pubic hair it caused strain on the relationship between my father and I. It was in the early stages of my blog and boundaries had yet been established between what my parents and my blog. My Dad, at the time, thought my blog was a parental buffet of offspring information and was surprised when he read my post about Prince's pubic hair. I mean, my father did overreact a bit. It wasn't an entire post devoted to Prince's creepy crawlies or anything. The post was simple devotional reminder of believing in oneself. Here is the part that most upset my father:

I'll never forget...I was at a photo exhibit for a rock n' roll photographer. She had these wonderfully intimate portraits and live shots of popular musicians in the early 80's. I'm scanning the wall, studying each photograph intently.

I get to a picture of Prince and it's just of his bush.

All bush.

He was wearing a lamé speedo and had pubes coming out of every which direction. They were slowly taking over his whole body. I look at Prince's smiling face. He knew his pubes were awesome. He was giving me that look, "Baby, these pubes are for you."


So when I begin questioning myself, for example, with something like "Hey, Lauren, maybe texting that boy more than once though he never responds might seem a little dumb?" I now think, "No, no it's not. If I were Prince, I would show up at that guy's house in my lamé hot shorts, pubes hanging out everywhere, phallic guitar strapped to my chest, a raging jheri curl, and sing: "baby, what does it take 2 have u text me back? is it another girl? does she wear diamonds and pearls? boy, i love the way your body moves. there ain't nothing that's gonna keep me from u. i think i love u."

After reading this post my father threatened to "defriend" me on Facebook and I had to get my mother, his ex-wife of 20 years, to intervene. We've now established rules and my parents will not read my blog unless I specifically tell them to. I know it sounds harsh, but this is for everyone's benefit...and for me to write posts about them.

As for the "Jeff Goldblum boner", that is a story I don't share with my folks though they've seen the photo where said boner occurred a million times. In fact, my mother has it framed above her desktop computer. Listen, faring through a Jeff Goldblum boner attack just so I could be the top search result when Googling "Jeff Goldblum boner" was not easy. Just look at my face.

As for "Freddie Mercury chest hair", many of you have seen the pic and heard about it, so I won't beat that very hairy dead horse. For the ones who haven't, in short, I seem to talk about Freddie's chest hair A LOT and even attempted to physically embrace it on Halloween. See below:

In addition to the aforementioned search words, another very popular searched phrase on my blog is "hairy gay men". In fact, it's so popular, I'm beginning to think that everyone in the world is into them. I get great satisfaction from the idea that many horny gay dudes, out of hopes of seeing a photo of a dazzling hairy bear, instead come face-to-face with a picture of a young white girl with what looks like Robin Williams shavings Spirit-Gummed to her chest.

One day I hope to make a t-shirt that says, "Prince Pubic Hair Freddie Mercury Chest Hair Jeff Goldblum Boner", or a crown, but in the meantime, I'll try to keep coming up with search words of ironic cultural icons and their body parts.


What are the most popular or suggestive search results for your blog?

Halloween Costume Ideas for Girls With Penis Envy

For whatever reason, when I dress up- for Halloween or not-Halloween- I like to either go as 1.) a man or 2.) a woman who dresses like a man or 3.) a crazy old woman. Dressing as someone from my own gender or my own generation just doesn't seem like an option.

I've been this way ever since I was a little girl. I'm not sure what it means, but I have a feeling Freud would have a few theories on it.

So, if you're one of those girls who likes donning a mustache and tie from time-to-time, here are some Halloween ideas to fill that itch.

This year I will be going as two of these costumes combined- Frida Mercury.

For a lot of these outfits, I would tell you to start by looking at the thrift store, but for purposes of the blog, I will share online purchases I have found.

1.) Pee-Wee Herman- The key to dressing like Pee-Wee is getting a suit one size too small. This can be very challenging as it's often difficult for women to find a men's two piece gray suit that is too small for her. 

Believe me, I've tried:

Suit- This suit I found for around $60 on Ebay. It can be tailored to different sizes. It comes from a general men's suit wholesaler, but the seller must have had a sense of humor by pairing up the suit with a red bow-tie. This suit makes me think it's what Pee-Wee would wear if he was cast in a James Bond movie. I found other gray suit options at Gap and Express, but they cost a pretty penny.

Bowtie- $1.49 on Amazon

Shoes- Again, I would look for these in a thrift store, but I found these on Zappos for $46.

Benetint- No PW outfit is complete without the rouged lips and cheeks- $28 (will last you forever)

Hair- As for hair, ladies, I would just try to slick it back as much as possible and draw a little widow's peak in the front.

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2.) Freddie Mercury- Who doesn't want to be Freddie Mercury? He oozed confidence and passion and talent and wonder. He wore whatever he wanted and he got away with it. The costume belowk combines 70's Freddie (sans mustache, longer hair) with 80's Freddie (mustache, shorter hair):

Shiny Suspender Bodysuit-  These are 50% off at American Apparel- $18. Ladies, unless you want your ta-ta's hanging out (which doesn't stop the American Apparel models in the photos), you should wear a nude bodysuit underneath the suspenders.
Shiny Leggings- These are 20% off at American Apparel- $37
Buck Teeth- These puppies are $35 and pretty solid, but I'm sure you can find cheap-o ones in the Halloween store.
Chest Hair- There is something extraordinarily disturbing about that photo below. It looks like a boring merkin. Alternatively, you could just cut up hair from a wig and spirit gum it to your chest or nude bodysuit- $36
Mustache- $8.99 and well worth it...a lady should always stock up on mustaches.
Hair- Again, I would slick back as much as possible or.... I have no idea how to tell you to get that hairstyle above.

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3.) Frida Kahlo- Due to polio that caused one leg to look different from the other, Kahlo wore long billowy skirts that covered her legs. Kahlo wore a lot of traditional Mexican dresses, skirts, and blouses, and rarely went without flowers in her hair:

Blouse and Skirt- Any Mexican dress or blouse and skirt should work for this. You can find them on Ebay or Etsy, but I found this one for $75 at La Mariposa Imports.
Shawl- Kahlo rarely went without a shawl as well- $48 from Frida Fashions
Hair Clip- $16 on Etsy and make sure you put your hair in a braid in the back.
Mustache- Buy two- one to put on your eyebrows and the other to wear above your lip- $8.99
Jewelry- Any over-sized and long costume jewelry should work.

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4.) Annie Hall- The reigning Queen of women's men's fashion. Her look has always remained timeless. The key to this outfit? Confidence. Unlike Pee-Wee, you should find clothing that just a little too big for you, but not unflattering.

Vest- Again, I suggest that you just go to a thrift store for this. Any men's vest and shirt should suffice for this outfit or- $50 at Gap.
Pants- Rummage your closet for those Gap khakis you bought back in 1999 or buy new ones- $44 at Gap
Hat- A purchase that you will wear time and time again- $15.80 at Forever 21
Tie- $9.90 at Forever 21
Sunglasses- $10 at Urban Outfitters

Love of My Life Don't Leave Me! (Or: How I Hope to Fall in Love With a Mustachioed Gay Man Someday)

Expecting a desperate blog post plea to an ex-boyfriend?
Yeah, I did too.

Nah...I'm referring to the Queen song, "Love of My Life" and how the meaning behind put into perspective a statement that I admitted to myself for the first time recently.

"Love of My Life" was written by Freddie Mercury for Mary Austin.

Who is Mary Austin you ask?

Only the love of Freddie Mercury's life, duh.

Freddie and Mary were lovers for six years- before and during Queen's early rise to fame- until Freddie realized that he was as gay as the day is long. However, that didn't stop Freddie from loving Mary. He bought her a house next door to him and kept her on Queen payroll. Mary went everywhere with Freddie. He became godfather to her children and as he was dying from a grueling battle with AIDs, she was right by his side. When Freddie died, he bequeathed most of his fortune and gargantuan rock star house to Mary (leaving only $500,000 to his long-term boyfriend).

"Our love affair ended in tears," Freddie was quoted as saying. "But a deep bond grew out of it, and that's something nobody can take away from us. It's unreachable. All my lovers ask why they can't replace her, but it's simply impossible. The only friend I've got is Mary and I don't want anybody else. To me, she was my common-law wife. To me, it was a marriage. We believe in each other, that's enough for me."

"I lost somebody who I thought was my eternal love," Mary says. "When he died I felt we'd had a marriage. We'd lived our vows. We'd done it for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health. You could never have let go of Freddie unless he died- and even then it was difficult."

The statement I wrote the other night was, "I want to be in love."
It is a desire I've been in denial about for a very long time.
Wanting to experience love is an age-old human instinct, but yet it is something that I've been telling myself neither exists nor matters very much to me.

Coming across this song recently reminded me that love comes in my forms. It can transcend the sexual plane into something even deeper. The sort of love that spans decades up until one is the holding the hand of the other one dying.

We should all be so lucky to experience the sort of love that Freddie and Mary shared for each other.

Love of my life, you hurt me,
You've broken my heart, and now you leave me.

Love of my life can't you see,
Bring it back bring it back,
Don't take it away from me,
Because you don't know what it means to me.

Love of my life don't leave me,
You've stolen my love and now desert me,

Love of my life can't you see,
Bring it back bring it back,
Don't take it away from me,
Because you don't know what it means to me.

You will remember when this is blown over,
And everythings all by the way,
When I grow older,
I will be there at your side,
To remind you how I still love you
I still love you.

Hurry back hurry back,
Don't take it away from me,
Because you don't know what it means to me.

Love of my life,
Love of my life.



Do you have a love of your life?