The One Where I Couldn't Come Up With A Semi-Witty Title But Desperately Wanted To

I realized recently that I do not get super personal on my blog.

Wait!

That's kind of a lie.

I will talk about former flames and certain traits that they probably don't want discussed on an open forum, former solitary drinking habits, and dreams of running naked through the desert of Western Texas, but I do not talk about the day-to-day aspects of my life.

The only bits of info that you probably really know about me is that I'm in love with David Byrne, Jeff Goldblum, and Crispin Glover and that I like being photographed with mannequins.

Oh, and that I talk about Austin, TX a little too much.

Over the past six months, I've had so many wonderful and interesting new friends join my blog. I would like to share a little more about myself in hopes that you will in turn tell me your darkest secrets.

My son Skippy and I

Name: Lauren

Age: 26

Hometown: Lonelytown, NY (the best thing to do on a Saturday night was go to Denny's....and that even shut down. Now it's Wal-mart)

Current Town: Austin, TX (Heaven on Earth)

Former Town: Los Angeles, CA (Hell on Earth....but in a intoxicating, delicious way!)

Family:

Mom Brenda

Former owner of women's apparel store/Grade A scrapbooker/Best Mom ever created

Dad Karl

Actor/Adventurer/My kindred sprit in daydreaming

Grandma Nan

Former owner of women's apparel store/Mo-fo'ing classiest woman you'll ever meet/83 and fab

Occupation: Perpetually trying to get out of the film industry. When I was 20, I was offered a job in Hollywood that was too good to pass up. I've now spent the past six years wondering what the hell I got myself into.

Relationship Status: fancy free?

Aspirations: When asked this question, I typically stare blankly at the questioner, get fidgety, and quickly change the subject. I've never been able to think beyond what I'm doing tomorrow, let alone years from now. However, as I've gotten older, I realize that there is life after 30 and that that sort of thinking is not gonna fly. So, for the first time ever, I will say that my aspirations are to be a full-time writer that can support herself and any sort of facade of looking like a brilliant, semi-crazy, drunk artist.

Oh, and to have a roundtable discussion with Danny Elfman, Anthony Bourdain, David Byrne, Amy Sedaris, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Harpo Marx, Cary Grant, and Frank Zappa....in bed.

Traits: I obsessively check to make sure the stove is off- even if I haven't used it. I still have my baby blanket which has a rainbow on it and is in awesome shape (rainbows are timeless, I tell myself). I'm told I talk way too much with my hands.

Movies: IN THIS VERY SPECIFIC ORDER: Pee-Wee's Big Adventure, Annie Hall, Young Frankenstein, The Jerk, Stop Making Sense, Ghostbusters, Secretary...oh shit, I can never remember 8-10. Let's add all Marx Brothers pre-MGM.

Music: Talking Heads, Oingo Boingo, Frank Zappa, David Byrne, David Bowie, Hall & Oates, Peter Gabriel, Sly & The Family Stone, Talking Heads, Elvis Costello, David Byrne, Talking Heads, David Byrne.

Books: Anything by Bret Easton Ellis and The Giving Tree. And Highlights Magazine. And backs of liquor labels.

Hobbies: Being a f'ing "NATIONAL" KARAOKE CHAMPION!!! (uh....that's about it)

Highlights: Working for quite possibly the best actor in the world, feeling Jeff Goldblum's boner (specifically in that picture below), maybe-sorta-had-the-chance to produce the next Pee-Wee movie (but not really), standing next to Lt. Dangle in his short shorts and not trying to stare at his junk, celebrating my 25th birthday with my divorced parents in a random city, moving from LA to Austin with only what I could fit in my car and feeling like a super bad ass driving down Route 10.

Anything else you wanna know?

One Day When I Finish My Screenplay...

...This is who I'm going to cast.

(I have yet to write said screenplay, so, I guess...umm....we'll have to make up the characters RIGHT NOW!)

"Steinbergs in Space"

"Mervin Steinberg" played by Rick Moranis.

Bumbling, nerdy father who also happens to be an astronaut stricken with Tourettes.

I've had a crush on Moranis since I first saw GHOSTBUSTERS when I was four (that's actually a lie, my first crush was Egon Spangler, but as I got older, it shifted to Louis Tully). In my mind, Moranis has created some of the most memorable characters in contemporary film- Bob McKenzie, Louis Tully, Seymour Krelborn, and Dark Helmut (lest I forget Barry Nye, Barney Coopersmith, and Wayne Szalinski as well). This Canadian comedian has done it all; rock DJ, sketch comedy actor, country singer, single Dad. Moranis has kept his career pretty low key since the passing of his wife in 1991.

In 1998, I legally changed my name to Lauren Moranis.

"Janice Steinberg" played by Deborah Foreman

Hot Mom married to Mervin. Is a devoted mother, wife, and interior space designer.

When I think of 80's babe, I think of Phoebe Cates (who doesn't think of Phoebe Cates?). After I'm done thinking of Phoebe Cates, I think of Deborah Foreman. Foreman is best known as Julie Richman in "Valley Girl" and Muffy/Buffy St. John in the horror classic(?) "April Fool's Day".

"Lucky Steinberg" played by Curtis Armstrong

The alcoholic brother of Mervin, Lucky spends his days being an intergalactic black jack dealer and pushing weighted cocaine (so it like, doesn't fly up into space when you're trying to do a line, you know?)

If you don't know who Curtis Armstrong is, you should be shot. He's Booger, he's Herbert Quentin Viola, and he's John Cusack's best friend in "Better Off Dead". He's the second man I fantasize about at night (after Moranis).

"DeeDee Steinberg" played by Amy Sedaris

Mervin and Janice's daughter is a full-time ventriloquist. Obsessive compulsive, the townspeople often spot her picking up garbage around town with her dummy, Skippy.

Amy is who I would like to be when I grow up. If not for comic wit and good looks, then for making killer cheeseballs and having an imaginary boyfriend named Ricky. Oh wait. Ricky died. Glenn. Glenn the disabled marine.

"Tex Langford" played by Charles Rocket

Tex is the nosey neighbor to the Steinbergs. He enjoys barbequing nude and singing opera at night.

Sure, he might be dead, but that's not going to stop me from casting him in "Steinbergs in Space". You may know Rocket best from his role as the villain in "Dumb and Dumber". Or if you are a little more sensitive of b-list actors who committed suicide like myself, you may recognize him as Bruce Willis' brother in "Moonlighting", Ned Grossberg on "Max Headroom", or the Weekend Update anchor on the '80-'81 season of "SNL". Rocket was part of the cool kid set at RISD in the 70's, which eventually moved to Manhattan. He can be seen on old episodes of "TV Party". I was fortunate enough to have met Rocket at the "TV Party" documentary premiere in Tribeca. A few months later he killed himself by slitting his own throat in his backyard. RIP Charles Rocket.

"Jesse Darkman" played by Crispin Glover

DeeDee's boyfriend who is head of a crime syndicate known for producing and selling weighted space cocaine.

Oh. Where do I begin with Crispin? Crispin, that day I met you at Sundance, the anxious look you gave me, the sweat lining the brim of your perfect hairline, the wool suit you were wearing that looked like it was stolen from a cadaver... that memory has never left me. Never.

"Scrappy McGaggle" played by Harpo Marx

The half-dog, half-man butler of the Steinbergs. He is secretly in love with Janice and is plotting to rid of Mervin.

Harpo Marx would be 122 this year. He was the reason why I wanted to move to Hollywood. After reading Harpo's autobiography, I was determined to make his story. Why I thought everyone shared the same love for a silent comedian from the turn of the century is beyond me. A wonderful friend introduced me to Harpo's son, Bill, and to this day, I still can't believe it. It was like talking to the bouncer of God's doorway.

Ok, now I need a plot.

Any suggestions?