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Hipstercrite: Crispin Glover is My Density

Friday, April 23, 2010

Crispin Glover is My Density

When I was a child, I lusted after Doc Brown.
I used to write my name as "Mrs. Emmett Brown" on notebooks.
My mother thought it was f'ing weird. My classmates gave me strange looks.
I mean, it wasn't Christopher Lloyd that I was jonesin' for.
There was just something about that wild white hair and manic eyes. I swooned after his near autistic dedication to science and inability to interact with anyone socially.
And that car!
Yep, Doc Brown could get my motor up to 88 miles per hour (weak).

But as time went on and puberty set in, my appetite towards Doc changed and my interest started to fall towards another.
Someone equally as brilliant and likely to have Asperger's, but yet more refined. Like a fine Merlot.
With that strong jaw line, beautiful laugh, and amazing part in his hair- George McFly quickly won over my affections.

Why didn't I see it when I was younger!? This man is beautiful!
My interest in George began to deepen and deepen. The pangs of desire would keep me up at night. It was getting serious. How I longed to hear the words, "Lauren, you are my den-sity!"

Eventually, the crush leaked over into real life where I made it a life-long mission to see every Crispin Glover movie. I bought his record "The Big Problem Does Not Equal the Solution, The Solution Equals Let It Be" ("I hate you clowny clown clown!"). I watched his independent film,WHAT IS IT?, staring actors with Down Syndrome. I even sat through CHARLIE'S ANGELS 1 + 2 (Justin Theroux's abs took a strong second to the most interesting thing about the sequel).

Then one day, on a not so special day in January, the stars aligned and Crispin and I crossed paths. It was the Sundance Film Festival 2005. I was wandering around one of many butt sniffing industry parties when my boss, Dana, shouted, "There goes your man!"

"My man?"

"You know, that freak that you always talk about?" Dana said.

"Oh! My man!"

I quickly spun around to see a dark shadow filter through the crowd.

Was it really him!?

Without thinking, I dashed into the party. I marched up and down the room desperately searching for my love. Finally, when I was about to give up all hope, the sea of scenesters parted ways and like a shining beacon, I spotted the illusive figure in the back of the room. With his back turned towards me and a single silhouette of smoke rising above his head, I floated up and gently tapped him on the shoulder.

It was him!

There was something Godly about him (or Ungodly- take your pick).
That snow-white tan! That slippery snake hair! That gawky body! That indifferent demeanor! All of it hadn't changed since 1985. It was as if he had been pickled.
I was staring at a beautiful artifact in a mortician's garb.

"Mr Glover, may I take a picture with you?" I stuttered.

He leaned in, put his strong hand around my waist, and whispered into my ear, "Yes, Lauren. I've been waiting for you. You are my DES-TINY."

Then we kissed.


Look how incredibly happy we are



At 8:41 AM, Blogger soft nonsense said...

Wow. He is one science fiction novel away from going right back to 1985....

At 10:06 AM, Blogger Melanie's Randomness said...

I shouldn't tell you that my ex is obsessed with Back to the Future so much that he actually has a delorean. You gotta to meet George!! That is incredible. He's so gawky but he's priceless in that movie!!

At 10:09 AM, Blogger Esmerelda said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At 10:48 AM, Blogger Juliette said...

I am obsessed with Back to the Future, you have no idea.
There are some seriously sexy men in that movie...

-Juliette WhereForArtThouRomeo

At 10:56 AM, Blogger Hipstercrite said...

@Soft Nonsense- Agreed.

@Melanie- Haha. I've always wanted a Delorean. It's been an inside joke with my family for years. How does he like his car?

@Juliette- BTTF is my #2 fave movie (behind Pee-Wee's Big Adventure)...and everyone is FANTASTIC in it, no?

At 11:21 AM, Blogger The Vegetable Assassin said...

I absolutely love your taste in men. I fully appreciate anyone who has eccentric tastes in the opposite sex instead of going "Oh that Brad Pitt? GORGEOUS!" because I never find traditionally handsome dudes hot at all. I like the quirky ones that no one else can see. So, you know. I'm just saying...well done.

Also, Crispin Glover will look like that when he's 90, I'm convinced he was touched by that dude in LOST who doesn't let people age.

That is all. :)

At 11:27 AM, Blogger Nikki said...

wow. that song & video might just be the creepiest thing I've ever experienced. thanks for the nightmares...

At 11:27 AM, Blogger VegKat said...

I am so insanely jealous. I was always a George gal when all the other gals were Marty gals. MJF is kinda cute and all... but he's no Crispin.

True story: my son was almost called Emmett. Like thisclose.

At 12:56 PM, Blogger Tara Rose Stromberg said...

Oh dear lord, Crispin is a sweet, sweet mancake.

Just looking at his chiseled face makes my heart go pitter-patter.

My old professor is apparently friends with him and told me about his castle in Prague, where he has been converting a barn into a studio.

I've facebook-friended him. This has lessened the degree of separation somewhat.

At 1:02 PM, Blogger thereitis said...

I too find Crispin sexy....don't know what it is exactly but he has IT. I think it has someting to do with how if someone ignores you and acts like they don't want to be around you...the more you want to be around them.

At 11:20 AM, Blogger Chris said...

I've listened to "Clowny Clown Clown" three times in the past day. I can't get this terrible terrible song out of my head!

At 5:40 PM, Blogger Angie said...

I'm so happy for both of you!

At 7:05 PM, Blogger TabithaVenasse said...

There is something strangely sexy about him.

At 12:56 PM, Blogger Grant said...

I watched What's Eating Gilbert Grape for the first time this weekend. The two standout performances were Crispin Glover and John C. Riley. That music video was super sexy.

At 11:09 AM, Blogger steff said...

holy shit, i am SO jealous. he is the hot sex...

At 6:36 PM, Blogger Amber said...

I love this man dearly. The fact that he collects vintage gynecological tools only makes him more endearing.

At 1:25 AM, Blogger Billy said...

I was able to get my ex back after I followed the instructions at I totally recommend this site, helped me a lot, all I can say is big THANKS!!! I'm so happy now...


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