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Thursday, April 09, 2009

Discovering Your Sexuality Through Hairy Gay Men


Remember that age when you started discovering your sexuality?

That awkward, dreadful time when you didn't understand why your male friends suddnely felt the urge to show you their penises while you were trying to reenact "X-files" episodes in the basement of your house, or why you got that funny feeling when you climbed the rope in gym?
When classmates started throwing around the words "pink", "taco", "tossing" and "salad" and you still thought they were talking about food, and your class president got detention for receiving something called a "blow job" on the 8th grade school trip to D.C.?

Then there you were. Clueless and wearing a sports bra. Fantisizing over a picture of a shirtless Elton John from 1972 hanging above your bed.

I wish I could say it was 1972 when I would gawk at this picture. That would make a little more sense.

I guess?

However, it was 1997. While all my friends carried pictures of Leonardo DiCaprio and Gavin Rossdale in their text books, I licked my lips over a twenty-five year old image of pudgy, gay piano-player.

We all know what Elton John looks like, but I'm going to paint you a portrait anyways. Here was a picture of quite possibly one of the most flamboyantly gay performers in history of the world with a pasty, doughy body covered in what looks like bear fur, standing in his shoe closet, wearing glittery high waisted pants with suspenders and no shirt. He had a shit-eating grinning on his face as he showed off his favorite pair of bejeweled platform shoes.

I was transfixed. At thirteen years old, I thought this was what a real man was like.

I have mostly likely sealed my fate by marrying a closeted homosexual who enjoys collecting shoes and Bedazzling his clothing.

Anyways, I just tried Googling "shirtless Elton John" and "Elton John with no shirt", but I'm guessing that's not a popular search item. In fact, the only images that come up are pictures of people one should normally lust after like, Hugh Jackman and Zac Efron.

...Gosh, I really wish I had that picture right now...

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6 Comments:

At 12:09 PM, Blogger Sessa said...

I was the sad 13 year old lusting after Tom Cruise.

Thank God that phase left me quickly.

 
At 7:53 PM, Blogger Polly Syllabick said...

this post completes me

 
At 2:41 AM, Blogger Molly Lambert said...

my best friend had a crush on Elton John as a kid! I just told her boyfriend about it! so confusing!

 
At 11:38 AM, Blogger Greg said...

Semi-similarly, since more than a few people have a thing for her, my discovery of myself was through Gillian Anderson as the one, the only Dr. Dana Scully.

Thus, dark pantsuits on stern women drive me insane, a la both Karen and Jan on the Office. Add that in with very cute Pam and Erin, and voilĂ ! Thursday night blue-light special.

This would probably also explain that opposite version of Secretary I dreamt about the other night.

 
At 8:42 AM, Blogger Miss Welcome said...

I'm a lot older than you (I can't believe I'm saying that!) so when I was your age, it was Sean Cassidy. Uh yeah. Don't even know who he is, huh?

 
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