Prince Pubic Hair Jeff Goldblum Boner Time

My mother always taught me to aim high and by God she taught me well for you see, Ladies and Gentlemen, I've discovered that when one Googles "Prince pubic hair", "Freddie Mercury chest hair" and "Jeff Goldblum boner" Hipstercrite is the very first search result that comes up on Google.

I know what you're thinking- that is some pretty impressive shit.

Well, it took me a very long time to get to Prince Pubic Hair Freddie Mercury Chest Hair Jeff Goldblum Boner status in life. I knew when I was a little girl that it would be a difficult task but one day, I would achieve such notoriety.

It wasn't an easy journey though.

The first time I wrote about Prince's pubic hair it caused strain on the relationship between my father and I. It was in the early stages of my blog and boundaries had yet been established between what my parents and my blog. My Dad, at the time, thought my blog was a parental buffet of offspring information and was surprised when he read my post about Prince's pubic hair. I mean, my father did overreact a bit. It wasn't an entire post devoted to Prince's creepy crawlies or anything. The post was simple devotional reminder of believing in oneself. Here is the part that most upset my father:

I'll never forget...I was at a photo exhibit for a rock n' roll photographer. She had these wonderfully intimate portraits and live shots of popular musicians in the early 80's. I'm scanning the wall, studying each photograph intently.

I get to a picture of Prince and it's just of his bush.

All bush.

He was wearing a lamé speedo and had pubes coming out of every which direction. They were slowly taking over his whole body. I look at Prince's smiling face. He knew his pubes were awesome. He was giving me that look, "Baby, these pubes are for you."


So when I begin questioning myself, for example, with something like "Hey, Lauren, maybe texting that boy more than once though he never responds might seem a little dumb?" I now think, "No, no it's not. If I were Prince, I would show up at that guy's house in my lamé hot shorts, pubes hanging out everywhere, phallic guitar strapped to my chest, a raging jheri curl, and sing: "baby, what does it take 2 have u text me back? is it another girl? does she wear diamonds and pearls? boy, i love the way your body moves. there ain't nothing that's gonna keep me from u. i think i love u."

After reading this post my father threatened to "defriend" me on Facebook and I had to get my mother, his ex-wife of 20 years, to intervene. We've now established rules and my parents will not read my blog unless I specifically tell them to. I know it sounds harsh, but this is for everyone's benefit...and for me to write posts about them.

As for the "Jeff Goldblum boner", that is a story I don't share with my folks though they've seen the photo where said boner occurred a million times. In fact, my mother has it framed above her desktop computer. Listen, faring through a Jeff Goldblum boner attack just so I could be the top search result when Googling "Jeff Goldblum boner" was not easy. Just look at my face.

As for "Freddie Mercury chest hair", many of you have seen the pic and heard about it, so I won't beat that very hairy dead horse. For the ones who haven't, in short, I seem to talk about Freddie's chest hair A LOT and even attempted to physically embrace it on Halloween. See below:

In addition to the aforementioned search words, another very popular searched phrase on my blog is "hairy gay men". In fact, it's so popular, I'm beginning to think that everyone in the world is into them. I get great satisfaction from the idea that many horny gay dudes, out of hopes of seeing a photo of a dazzling hairy bear, instead come face-to-face with a picture of a young white girl with what looks like Robin Williams shavings Spirit-Gummed to her chest.

One day I hope to make a t-shirt that says, "Prince Pubic Hair Freddie Mercury Chest Hair Jeff Goldblum Boner", or a crown, but in the meantime, I'll try to keep coming up with search words of ironic cultural icons and their body parts.


What are the most popular or suggestive search results for your blog?

A Day to Celebrate Jeff Goldblum

From here on out, I'm deeming every Thursday this summer the day of celebrating B-list celebrities with A-list personalities.

Last week we celebrated Rick Moranis, who will always be an A++ in my book.

Today we will be featuring Jeff Goldblum.

The Blum.

Brundlefly.

Dr. Ian Malcolm.

Big Giant Horny Perpetually Tan Middle-Aged Awesome Man.

Who doesn't love Jeff Goldblum?

Who?

WHO???

Tell me, because I will throw my Jeff Goldblum Jurassic Park action figure at that person repeatedly until they concede.

What is there to say about Jeff Goldblum that hasn't already been said?

He's the Cary Grant of our time.

Ok, that's a stretch.

He is the Cary Grant of our time if Cary Grant had been Jewish and really really popular at computer camp.

One thing that can not be denied though, is The Blum's contribution to cinema:

The Big Chill, The Fly, The Adventures of Buckaroo Bonzai Across the 8th Dimension, Earth Girls Are Easy, Vibes, Jurassic Park, Independence Day, Igby Goes Down, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou.

All classics! Jurassic Park would not have been the box success that it was without Goldblum's sweaty, brooding portrayal as... himself. Ground-breaking special effect dinosaurs?! Fuck that! $340,000,000 of the $357,000,000 earned at the box office was from the secret society, "The Daughters of Jeff Goldblum". You've just never heard about it.

I asked my friend, *Sullivan P. Rockfort (not his real name), his thoughts on The Blum's gift to humanity.

Me: Hey Sullivan. Do you have a second?

Sullivan: Of course!

Me: What are your thoughts on Jeff Goldblum's gift to humanity?

(Silence)

Sullivan: You know how I feel about...THAT man. I have traumatic memories associated with him.

Me: Oh really? Care to elaborate?

Sullivan: Well, I could go into an unsettling amount of detail here, but in the interest of keeping everyone's breakfast down, I'll keep it brief: I was having [love hugz] with a young lady and halfway through, in the throes of ecstasy, she says, "God! You're so fucking hot. You look just like a young Jeff Goldblum!" My passionate [love hugz] came to a slow halt. "What?" I asked. "I said I'm so attracted to you because you look just like a young Jeff Goldblum." I immediately extricated myself from the [love hug], gathered my things, and left without a word. Now it's not that I have anything AGAINST Jeff Goldblum. It's that I LOOK NOTHING LIKE JEFF FUCKING GOLDBLUM. I'm Colombian for crying out loud. I mean shit. I should be so lucky. So her calling to the fact that I resemble him, really just sent me into a shame spiral out of which there was no escape. I was ashamed of my non-Goldblumesque appearance...and damned if I was going to capitalize on one young woman's poor eye sight.

I will also share a little story with you below, one that I've shared before on this blog, so forgive me if you've already read it.

Watch this if you don't want to read my story:

I worked on a movie starring Jeff Goldblum.

We became set friends because I have a vagina.

I didn't use my vagina with Jeff Goldblum, but The Blum, he can smell vagina from 100 feet away.

After a long day of shooting, The Blum walked up to me. I was overwhelmed with the giant bronzed Jewish God standing before me.

He was beautiful and he was touching me.

And touching me.

And, oh wait, he's still touching me.

Ok, you can keep touching me, Jeff Goldblum.

I got lost in his deep brown eyes.

"I just love that little button on the end of your nose!" he said, caressing the tip of his finger on my, what I feel is a very large Jewish nose, much like The Blum's.

Maybe The Blum should have said, "Hey, you and I have similar Jewish noses. Let's go get married."

And I would have. I would have left with The Blum that very second.

"Oh Jeff, you make a girl feel like a hundred dollars. Oh wait, I mean a million dollars."

And with that, The Blum smiled broadly and held me close. So close that I could feel his penis.

Really feel his penis.

.....What is your favorite Jeff Goldblum movie?

I Want to be the Future Ex-Mrs. Malcolm

Dr. Emmett Brown

Dr. Egon Spengler
Dr. Ian Malcolm

What do these men all have in common?
I wanted to marry all of them between the ages of 4-10.

I had completely forgotten that at one point in my young life, I heartbreakingly loved all these men. I was only reminded of it recently while sitting at the doctors office, maybe or maybe not reading one of those articles in Cosmopolitan, titled, "What your type of man says about you." I never read such nonsense, but I was feeling particularly nonplussed about my relationship status that day (I'd even settle for a "It's Complicated") and thought maybe it would shed some light on why I pick men that may or may not have the same personality traits as my free spirit father (free spirit= flew the coop when I was six).

I realized that I wasn't exactly sure what my type was. The men I seemed to go after typically fail me (f*ck YOU, artsy bearded musicians!) and though I thought I liked men who look like Lindsey Buckingham circa 1977, the past four guys I went out with were all blonde-haired David Cassidy types (one of them was so pretty, that I mistook him for a woman in the shower and that was the day I realized I wasn't gay). I decided to get back to basics and really concentrate on my pre-pubescent lovelorn angst.

At four years of age, I was hopelessly in love with Dr. Egon Spengler. At seven years of age, I was enthralled by Dr. Emmett Brown. At ten years of age, I was ga-ga over Dr. Ian Malcom (his action figure shared the pillow over from mine).

It was at the cafe that I had an "A-ha!" moment.

"I like fictional nerdy scientists!" I said out loud!

Oh.

Great.

I like fictional nerdy scientists.

I had to analyze this. Here is what I came up with...

DR. IAN MALCOLM- Ok, so Jeff Goldblum I get, even though most people think I'm crazy for still finding him attractive. Well, if you once had Jeff Goldblum's boner pushed up against your thigh, you'd fall in love with him too!

I mean, look at this picture of Ian Malcolm? Dr. Malcolm knows he's sexy, that's half the charm. He looks like he's waiting for the dinosaurs to come and get him so he can make sweet Goldblum love to them (or at least push his penis up against their thighs).

The only thing is, I get the impression that Malcolm would hit on anything near him that has a vagina (they cut the scene out of JURASSIC PARK when Malcolm winks at John Hammond's twelve year-old granddaughter). Sounds just like somebody else I know (ahem...Jeff Goldblum).

DR. EGON SPENGLER- Ok, I kind of get this. I mean, it would make more sense if I was attracted to the cartoon version of him (see below), which was some Arian body builder type.

I really just think it was the Eraserhead-style hair that I dug.

I mean, he had ZERO personality. He was the most socially awkward New Yorker that ever lived. He could converse better with a possessed accountant than the chick that worked in his office. He collected spores, molds, and fungus. He SLEPT with a strange, bubble gum shampoo looking like substance found under the streets of New York City.

Yeah, the more I think about, I have to reexamine my interest in him...

EMMETT "DOC" BROWN- Ok, this I don't get AT ALL. He was a f'ing nut job, that's what he was. And this was the dude I had the thing for the most! I used to write my name as "Mrs. Doc Brown" everywhere.

I mean, I was combing for pictures of Christopher Lloyd and there is nothing that even resembles sex with him. He's looked like somebody's grandfather since he was born. Maybe it was his enthusiasm and passion for making a novelty stainless steel car into a time machine that got my blood pumping, I don't know...

I sat back in my chair and digested all those forgotten feelings that I just unearthed.

Maybe this will explain some things.

Maybe I was meant to be with a smart, big nosed, categorizable idiot savant.

Maybe I should just stop fighting it and give in to what my inner child has always wanted.

Ok, so if you're a Jewish-looking scientist who finds dinosaurs, ghosts, or time travel titillating ...give me a call?

The Blum and I

Last night, I came across an enjoyable little mockumentary called PITTSBURGH starring Jeff Goldblum. The film follows Jeff, his (cough) 23 year-old fiance, and his friends Ileana Douglas and Ed Begley Jr. as they star in Jeff's hometown stage revival of "The Music Man". Jeff Goldblum pretending to be Jeff Goldlbum is always a winner . I could watch the dude talk to his hands. This movie is worth checking out if you're a fan of the Brundlefly.

Ah, Jeff Goldblum...

I had the pleasure of working with Jeff once.

The movie was a real stinker, but that didn't stop Jeff from treating it as if it were Oscar gold. I was very anxious to meet him. You see, I had had a whale-size crush on him when I was ten years-old. It was the year of JURASSIC PARK and even though I didn't know what sexy was (I still don't), I knew that there was something special about this man. His tall stature, his Mediterranean complexion, the way he talked, the way he delivered his lines, the way he moved his hands made my little ten year-old body shiver. After JURASSIC PARK, I rented every movie he was in (VIBES gets a ten in my book). My crush on Jeff eventually ran it's course and I moved on to others (Crispin Glover, I love you!), but when I was told that Jeff Goldblum was starring in my company's movie, my little ten year-old heart resurrected.

Jeff showed up a day before he was scheduled to shoot. He was there solely to meet the cast and crew. He started with the assistants. I walked on set with Starbucks outstretched towards my boss who was standing next to Jeff. When Jeff saw me, he stood up, held out his arms, and engulfed me. I thought he must have mistaken me for someone he knew, but that's how Jeff greets people. Like you're a long lost friend. Or, almost like he has a magnet in his pants and so do you. He sat with me and two other assistants and studied the crew list. "Ok, Lauren, the girl running around over there with the walkie-talkie, who is that?" We told him the names of everybody on set. When we were finished, he walked up to every single person and said, "(Insert name here), you're doing a great job today!" Though most turned around with the perplexed look of, "How the hell does The Blum know my name?", everyone was surprised and touched nonetheless.

Everyday Jeff was a team player. He spoke with EVERYONE. He did not discriminate (like a certain someone else on the set who is on a certain NBC show who is known for having a bad temper who upon meeting me turned away in mid-sentence after he found out I was "just an assistant"). Jeff sat with the crew for lunch, he talked with the extras, he even stayed late when he didn't have to. Take for instance the day he and the NBC star were filming fight scenes all day. The day became evening and it was time for the actors to go home. NBC star couldn't wait to get his cranky ass out of there. However, my day was just beginning. I was an extra in a dance club scene and me and a dozen other extras were in the parking lot practicing our moves. Jeff was walking to his Prius when he stopped. He put down his backpack and jumped in the mix. He hung out for a good 20 minutes dancing with the extras. He danced with me and near speechless I said, "Jeff, you make a girl feel like a hundred bucks!" He is the only man to ever say, "Lauren, the ball on your nose is delicious". He held me so close that in the pictures taken, you can see my fingers digging into his upper arm (see above). What you can't see in the picture is his boner pushing up against my thigh. Now take a look at my smile.

Jeff was originally up for the lead part in the movie, but when the investors got wet with the possibility of NBC star playing the lead, they dropped Jeff. That didn't phase Jeff who was happy to take a secondary role in the movie just because he was a fan and wanted to support it (the film was written and directed by a first-timer). Even months after the film wrapped, Jeff called the director on his birthday.

A year later, I saw Jeff again at one of my company's parties. I was standing at the top of the stairs. Suddenly the front door swung open and there he was. The tall, dark, and handsome man nearly feeling up everyone in his path. He spoke with the door person, he spoke with the hostess, he spoke with people on their way out the door, he even spoke to the potted plant. I walked up to him and even though I'm 110% sure he had no freakin' clue who I was, that didn't stop him from acting like he had known me forever. He momentarily held me in his big arms and went on his way.

It's no secret that Jeff is a ladies man. He is the ladies man of all ladies men. Joke is he has an acting class just so he can hook up with a bevvy of beautiful twenty-somethings. You know the funny thing though? You'll never meet a person who will say a bad thing about Jeff Goldblum. That's because he's a gentleman and a honest-to-God good human being.

Even if Jeff Goldblum is only hooking up with you only for one night, he will act as though you are the only thing that matters in this world. Is he just a good actor? Maybe. However, I believe Jeff really does love each and everyone he comes in contact with- whether it's two seconds or ten years. You can see it in those wild, Jeff Goldblum eyes.

We could all learn something from Jeff Goldblum- to have a boner for just about everything in this World.