Mannequin Babies Make Good Watch Dogs

My plan worked.

THE TOTALLY AWESOME HIPSTER GIVEAWAY contest was not just for you.

It's not all about you, you know?

It was also for me.

It was a way for me to derive from the glowing orb of your collective wittiness and creativity. I just stole a tiny piece of you. I'm sorry.

I'M SORRY!

Oh, I also just learned that I changed someone's life by introducing them to Steve Martin's THE JERK.

I think I want that on my epitaph:

LAUREN MODERY

Daughter/Blogger/Childless Shut-In/Good At Introducing People to the Movie THE JERK

There were just too many wonderful comments left on the giveaway post not to share.

Here are some fine examples of ingenious at it's best:

Daynya: lauren, in bizarro world, you and i would take our mannequin babies to movies with us, then go have bloody mary's at brunch while they sat outside, guarding our bikes :)

VegKat: I love giveaways, and I love your blog. I want to make out with like every post you write. (Sometimes I actually do.) And is the theme "Mannequin"? Cause if you are giving away James Spader (ca. 1987) and I lose, I'll kill myself.

Nadster: Lauren, I think that we should high five... not sexually.... not in the shower... just a solid high five. It makes the world go round. Have you ever seen someone NOT smile while high fiving?

Pono Madison: Lauren, I occasionally write your name on my notes surrounded my hearts. I also often misspell the word occasionally and then fix it by putting two fingers on my touchpad because I don't use a mouse and my mac is incredibly awesome. One of those sentences was a lie. I've never had a PBR beer, so I'm not a real hipster. I suppose I need this giveaway to start my journey into hipsterdom. Which my computer is telling me isn't a word. silly computer. It's 3:53 am. Both those things were true. I think I'm going to stop rambling now.

Benny Paul: Lauren, In an alternate universe, we lived in a gothic apartment building in New York City in 1984. One day your eggs fried themselves on your counter and I offered you to do your taxes for you and you were like, eh, nah, but I've got a gate, and I was like, awesome, I've got keys, and then there was an interdimensional cross rip, and after the whole dimension-crossing thing, you were like "Whoa, I just went to New York of the future, and it wasn't as cool," and I was like, "Oh my god, me too, but I think I'm still there." And then we were like, "Well, nice meeting you," and we shook hands. And it was a super respectful handshake that was very memorable.

Mel: Lauren, Someone loaned me The Jerk on DVD a month ago and from there it got shoved under my bed and I proceeded to forget all about it. You inspired me to watch it and guess what? It change my life!! Hence, I'm a better person because of you. I hope I win, but if not, can we be best friends instead?

Sophie Neutron: Dear Lauren; in an alternate reality we would be soul mates...that continually never meet.

Except for one time. When we both randomly witness the same chicken laying it's egg in a silly place and breaking it. Then we would walk off in opposite directions with me wandering where your friend got that amazing bedazzled thong body suit...and....I haven't eaten anything resembling any person in months.

The Eternal Worrier: Wow, the mannequin has a huge gap between her eye brows... shit I’m a man,should I even have noticed that?! I went out with a girl in the 80s who had no real eye brows; she just put them on with eyeliner. Some times when we were out clubbing they would get smudged and look like big tire tracks across her forehead... Hang on I’ve said too much and gone off on a tangent.

Thanks for commenting everyone!

Tell your friends to comment here.

Or don't.

Yeah, don't.

Because that means your chances of winning will go down.

Here is another clue for the giveaway:

I'll announce the winner on Monday and at that point I will have figured out what the hell the giveaway even is.

Totally Awesome Hipster Giveaway

So check this.
One of my favorite fashion blogs (ok, let's face it, my only favorite fashion blog), Wild as a Mink, But Sweet as Soda Pop by the lovely Nickie, had a contest giveaway recently and guess who won?

Guess.
No, not Richard Dreyfuss.
I did!

You have no idea how freakin' excited I was!
Here are some pics of my prize:

A Garbage Pail kid card. Say hello to Jake Flake. He is snowboarding in his own dandruff.

Benetint Lip Balm by Benefit- the only cosmetic line that matters (with product names like Dr. Feelgood and Touch Me Then Try to Leave, how can you not love them?)

Gumbo size Lip Smacker Dr. Pepper chapstick that I already took a little nibble out of (you were right, Nickie)

Groupie extraordinaire Pamela Des Barres' "I'm With the Band" and "Let's Spend the Night Together"

Nickie's generosity has inspired me to have a giveaway myself.
The TOTALLY AWESOME HIPSTER GIVEAWAY!!!

(Note- Lauren, don't try writing this post at 3AM after just waking up with the computer on top of you and burning a hole into your stomach. Stop writing right now.)

8:38AM- YES! THE TOTALLY AWESOME HIPSTER GIVEAWAY!!!

I have no idea what I'm going to give away, but rest assure that it will be awesome and it will be hipstery and probably involve David Byrne somehow. Oh, and it won't be cheap. I won't cheap out on you. I promise.

And I'll make sure it's gender specific. So dudes, I won't be sending you an American Apparel thong bodysuit or anything like that. Unless you're into that jazz, then I'll personally bedazzle the shit out of that bodysuit and you and I are going out for a drink.

This will be the theme of the giveaway:

And this is how you enter:

1.) Comment on this post with a link to your blog.

2.) Leave a friendly message like, "Lauren, I think in another life, we'd be soul mates that would most likely get sick of each other." or "I just ate a donut that looked like your face."

3.) I will then pick your name from a hat.

Uhhh...Contests ends at 8:00AM 2/27 (I pulled that time from my ass....like I'll even be up by then)

It's really that simple!

Start commenting!

*(I know I haven't given you a lot of initiative to enter this contest and I'm sorry).

SXSW 2010 Film Lineup: The Forgotten Stepchild

All this talk about the SXSW 2010 Music lineup!
But what about the movies, huh?
You know, SXSW ain't too shabby in the film department. The festival has introduced us to such great hits as: I Love You Man, Moon, Adventureland, Hurt Locker, 21, American Teen, Choke, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and Shine a Light.

Here are some highlights of the SXSW 2010 Film lineup:

It's Austin, Why Wouldn't There Be a Bunch of Movies About Music?
-Lemmy- All I know about Lemmy is that he has a mustache that can kill. And he looks like he belongs in a gay porno. I don't think I like Motorhead, but I'm sure this doc rocks nonetheless.

-The White Stripes Under Great White Northern Lights- Why wouldn't the White Stripes come up with such an epic title for their documentary? This doc follows the band across Canada as they converge on their 10th anniversary performance.

-The Runaways- This film about the 70's rock band, The Runaways, stars Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning and premiered last month at Sundance. After seeing the trailer, I gotta admit, it looks pretty fanfuckingtastic in a I'd-totally-grow-a-mullet-if-I-could-act-like-Joan-Jett-and-crush-some-balls kind of way.

Movies I Kind Of Want To See:

-Elektra Luxx- Story of a porn star (Carla Gugino) who gets pregnant. That part I don't care about. It's the starring Timothy Olyphant and Joseph Gordon-Levitt part I like (something about this movie says The Girl Next Door)

-Lebanon, PA- Any self-discovery movie set in a Rust Belt city is a winner in my book!

-Leaves of Grass- A movie where Edward Norton plays twin brothers, also stars Susan Sarandon, Richard Dreyfuss, and Keri Russell, and directed by Tim Blake Nelson!? Where do I sign up!

-Cyrus- Baghead and The Puffy Chair directors Jay and Mark Duplass are back with a film about a lonely divorcee (John C. Reilly) who meets a beautiful woman (Marisa Tomei), but discovers he must compete with the woman's 21 year-old son (Jonah Hill). You had me until Jonah Hill.

-Get Low- Story of a hermit in the 1930's who planned his own funeral. Starring Robert Duvall, Bill Murray, and Sissy Spacek. Yay! Hopefully another excuse for Bill Murray to come to Austin and hang out for a month and drink.

-Kick Ass- A movie about a teenage comic book fan who decides to become a super hero!? Holy shit!

Documentaries Are To Film Festivals What Crack Is To ________:
-People Vs. George Lucas- I have no idea who this guy is, but I guess they made a documentary about him.

-American Grindhouse- Documentary that explores exploitation cinema. No, Quentin Tarantino didn't produce this.

Documentaries Dealing with Sports That I Most Likely Will Never See:
-One Night in Vegas- The love story between Mike Tyson and Tupac Shakur.

-No Crossover: The Trial of Allen Iverson- ESPN film digs into the '93 trial of Allen Iverson. Iverson, a respected basketball player, found himself in jail after a fight broke out between his entourage (all black) and a group of white patrons. See, Mom! You'd be proud of me. I do know a little about the NBA.

Couldn't Get Through the Trailer Because It Gave Me Too Much Anxiety-
-Cargo- Space horror movie in Swiss.

Movies That Sound Like They'll Make Me Stab My Eyes Out With My Thumbs While Viewing Them:

-Saturday Night- A documentary by James Franco about the current lineup of SNL? Ha, I'd rather get the rest of this root canal taken care of.

-Barry Munday- Dude loses his penis. Was going to star Luke Wilson, but now stars Patrick Wilson.

Who?

-MacGruber- Why do you tease with my emotions, SNL?! I despise what you have become, but an 80's tv show spoof starring Jason Bateman and Val Kilmer sounds....so good.

Maybe I Want to See If I Could Understand What the Heck They Were Saying-

-Le Donk & Scor-Zay-Zee- Described as a Christopher Guest-like film, this British "mockumentary" follows loser musician Le Donk and his quest to introduce the world to the very white, very clueless rapper extraordinaire Scor-Zay-Zee.

My Father is Like Richard Branson But Without the Billions Of Dollars Part

*(Dad, I know you texted me to say that you're reading my blog right now, but do us both a favor and don't read this one. Unless you're drunk. But it's 8AM in California, so you're probably not).

"I slept in a parking lot with a bunch of homeless people last night," my father proudly told me over the phone.

I nearly swallowed my tongue.

"Why, Dad?"

The word "why" is a common word used while talking to my father. "When" is not necessary since time rarely plays a part in his story. "Where" is also not crucial to the story unless it involves "Skid Row" (which has come up a number of times). "Who" may sometimes pop up because his little episodes of keeping boredom at bay often effect other people (specifically two ex-wives and a daughter). "What" is probably the most common word used after "why", as in, "What the f*ck did you just do Dad?!"

"Yeah, they have this whole system going on where they sleep in this hotel parking lot, then use the hotel showers and get continental breakfast in the morning. No one knows about it. Isn't it cool??"

I let out a noise that sounded like a balloon deflating.

At the time my father pulled this stunt he was neither homeless or broke. Simply curious. Which is what his middle name should have been instead of "Gay" (True story- his middle name is "Gay" and he, as far as I know, is not. Though there was a time after he divorced my Mom that his parents thought he was, but what did they know? Very little. I think they used to spell my name "Loren" and obviously didn't understand the potential complicated psychological consequences of giving the middle name "Gay" to a young boy.)

Two years ago, my father and I were hanging out at my apartment in Koreatown shooting the breeze. It was late and he was obviously bored. He turned to me and said,"Hey, want to go one of those midnight AA meetings?" Details like neither one of us having an addiction to anything didn't matter to him. "It's ok, you don't need to tell your story. Just say "Hi, my name is Lauren I've been an alcoholic for ten years", or something like that."

Being the 26 year-old party pooper is not my bag, but I get concerned when he calls to tell me he's somewhere in Mexico and has been jokingly telling people from his car that he has coke to sell.

Gosh, reading that sentence back to myself just made me slap my hand against my forehead.

I'm all for living life to the fullest, but damn, Pop! Riding your bike on the Venice beach boardwalk= okay. Riding your bike down Hollywood Boulevard during rush hour= not okay. Camping out while riding your motorcycle across America= okay. Using a motorcycle as your sole mode of transportation in Los Angeles= not okay. Sharing a condo with some friends while checking out Lake Tahoe= okay. Staying at a pay by-the-hour motel in a bad part of town because it's fun= not okay.

Dad, I think it may actually be time to go to one of those AA meetings. Will they take someone who is addicted to making crazy ass decisions?

Look At These Photos! LOOK AT THEM!

So, it looks like my has brain died.

I don't know what happened, but it just doesn't work anymore.

While I take it in to get fixed, check out these photos of Austin.

(You know you love it).

Talk About Bum Cakes My Girl's Got 'Em

As you all probably know, American Apparel is currently searching for "The Best Bottom in the World!" Commentary on this contest is moot considering it does all the talking for itself.

I've combed through over 1200 butts to find you my favorites. Thoughts?

(P.S.- If you get a chance, please check out my post at Alternative Apparel today and let me know your thoughts)

Ginger was surprised at how much the tree tasted like snozberries.

Finally fed up with not being able to get her shirt on, Suzy left the house and was quickly mounted by a neighborhood kid who mistook her for a pony.

Seeing a large American Apparel billboard while walking down Sunset Boulevard, Lindsey had an epiphany. "Is that what I look like?!" she shouted into the air. She promptly turned around and threw up in the nearest trash can.

Steve refused to look out the window and see a world where Geraldo Rivera impersonators are not accepted.

Dana's lifelong dream of becoming a My Little Pony was finally taking shape.

The ideology of butt contests made Jason go into a deep and unforgiving despair.

Julie was afraid that if she stopped running, gravity would soon catch up to her ass and therefore no longer make her relevant.

"Honey, I think there is something on my back, can you see what it is?"

"Daddy, can I put my shirt back on? It's cold."

This is A Quickie Post (That's What She Said)

I unfortunately don't have time to write a post today, so I'm going to force you to look at pictures of me.

Some of you yesterday asked to expand on my time in Hollywood. I used to be a personal assistant. Through my work, I was able to meet many of wonderful people and go to places I've never been. It was an insane roller coaster that I don't regret for a second.

Here are some pics of people I met/worked with below.

This is the one guy that made me most weak in the knees. I was at a movie premiere, a movie that my boss and a friend produced, and they introduced me to him. There was talk about producing the next Pee-Wee movie, but sadly, nothing ever came of it on our end. I'm hoping Paul makes a new Pee-Wee movie soon!

I couldn't stop staring at Thomas Lennon's junk. This was taken in front of our office at Sunset Gower. Reno 911! shared the same building as us. I would walk by Thomas Lennon every day and blush.

Good memories

What you don't see in this picture is the cow to the left of Lynch.

My husband, David Byrne, and I on our honeymoon

Does he looked thrilled to see me or what? This was taken at the Sundance Film Festival. My crew knew how much I loved Crispin and when we saw him at a party, we hunted him down like panthers.

Boner time! I worked on a movie with The Blum. What an amazing guy! Even if he can't keep his dick in his pants. He makes everyone feel incredibly special.

The One Where I Couldn't Come Up With A Semi-Witty Title But Desperately Wanted To

I realized recently that I do not get super personal on my blog.

Wait!

That's kind of a lie.

I will talk about former flames and certain traits that they probably don't want discussed on an open forum, former solitary drinking habits, and dreams of running naked through the desert of Western Texas, but I do not talk about the day-to-day aspects of my life.

The only bits of info that you probably really know about me is that I'm in love with David Byrne, Jeff Goldblum, and Crispin Glover and that I like being photographed with mannequins.

Oh, and that I talk about Austin, TX a little too much.

Over the past six months, I've had so many wonderful and interesting new friends join my blog. I would like to share a little more about myself in hopes that you will in turn tell me your darkest secrets.

My son Skippy and I

Name: Lauren

Age: 26

Hometown: Lonelytown, NY (the best thing to do on a Saturday night was go to Denny's....and that even shut down. Now it's Wal-mart)

Current Town: Austin, TX (Heaven on Earth)

Former Town: Los Angeles, CA (Hell on Earth....but in a intoxicating, delicious way!)

Family:

Mom Brenda

Former owner of women's apparel store/Grade A scrapbooker/Best Mom ever created

Dad Karl

Actor/Adventurer/My kindred sprit in daydreaming

Grandma Nan

Former owner of women's apparel store/Mo-fo'ing classiest woman you'll ever meet/83 and fab

Occupation: Perpetually trying to get out of the film industry. When I was 20, I was offered a job in Hollywood that was too good to pass up. I've now spent the past six years wondering what the hell I got myself into.

Relationship Status: fancy free?

Aspirations: When asked this question, I typically stare blankly at the questioner, get fidgety, and quickly change the subject. I've never been able to think beyond what I'm doing tomorrow, let alone years from now. However, as I've gotten older, I realize that there is life after 30 and that that sort of thinking is not gonna fly. So, for the first time ever, I will say that my aspirations are to be a full-time writer that can support herself and any sort of facade of looking like a brilliant, semi-crazy, drunk artist.

Oh, and to have a roundtable discussion with Danny Elfman, Anthony Bourdain, David Byrne, Amy Sedaris, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Harpo Marx, Cary Grant, and Frank Zappa....in bed.

Traits: I obsessively check to make sure the stove is off- even if I haven't used it. I still have my baby blanket which has a rainbow on it and is in awesome shape (rainbows are timeless, I tell myself). I'm told I talk way too much with my hands.

Movies: IN THIS VERY SPECIFIC ORDER: Pee-Wee's Big Adventure, Annie Hall, Young Frankenstein, The Jerk, Stop Making Sense, Ghostbusters, Secretary...oh shit, I can never remember 8-10. Let's add all Marx Brothers pre-MGM.

Music: Talking Heads, Oingo Boingo, Frank Zappa, David Byrne, David Bowie, Hall & Oates, Peter Gabriel, Sly & The Family Stone, Talking Heads, Elvis Costello, David Byrne, Talking Heads, David Byrne.

Books: Anything by Bret Easton Ellis and The Giving Tree. And Highlights Magazine. And backs of liquor labels.

Hobbies: Being a f'ing "NATIONAL" KARAOKE CHAMPION!!! (uh....that's about it)

Highlights: Working for quite possibly the best actor in the world, feeling Jeff Goldblum's boner (specifically in that picture below), maybe-sorta-had-the-chance to produce the next Pee-Wee movie (but not really), standing next to Lt. Dangle in his short shorts and not trying to stare at his junk, celebrating my 25th birthday with my divorced parents in a random city, moving from LA to Austin with only what I could fit in my car and feeling like a super bad ass driving down Route 10.

Anything else you wanna know?

It's Sappy Fun Happy Thank You Time!

I want to thank every one of you who take a few minutes out of your day to read my blog.

Your interest and comments are what keep me writing. Many of you have helped to create confidence in myself as a writer, and for that, I'm forever grateful.

I wish there was a way to thank all of individually, but the best I can do is show you some of the blogs that have supported and inspired me along the way.

_________________

Photography- Thar She Blargs

In our day-to-day journey, we connect with thousands of people. We collect each other like magnets. However, we can only carry so much weight, so at the end of the day, you cut off the fat and see what has stuck. What people have made an impression on you. The people you want to make sure hang around for awhile. I'm very lucky to be friends with the author of this blog.

In Emily, I see myself, but mostly I see somebody I wish I could be. Her photography conveys what I could only hope for in my writing. Her art shows a woman much wiser beyond her years.

Movies- Cinema Obsessed

I have never met these lovely ladies, but I would like to! They were one of the first blogs I came across in my venture into blogdom (did I really just use that word?) and I have been a fan ever since. Not only because of their impeccable taste in movies, their creativity with their blog, and their overall class, but because they made a "The Jerk" t-shirt. If you are a movie buff and haven't checked out their site yet, well, you haven't discovered your special purpose yet.

Poetry- My Soul is a Butterfly

Chances are you already know the name Hannah Miet. Chances are you are already a big fan.

Something about this girl makes you want to follow her. She shows you little secrets of herself then pulls away. She has written some of the most beautiful words I've seen on a blog. I'm hoping to see big things from her very soon...

Social Commentary- Lesbifriends

It's hard to categorize Lesbifriends as just one thing, because it's not. It's social commentary, it's twenty-something musings, it's GLBTQ pride, it's the story of a young, smart, pretty, and motivated young woman in D.C. When I came across Ashley's blog, I was instantly hooked. Her ability to eloquently convey her thoughts and feelings, all while maintaining a level of journalistic professionalism still amazes me. I find myself nodding my head in agreement after every post. She is a blog worth following.

Austin- Austin Eavesdropper

Austin Eavesdropper was one of the first Austin social blogs I came across. I'd read it and think, "Shit, I want to be this gal!" Tolly not only boasts an impressive writing resume, she also keeps Austinites in the know as to what the heck is going on in the city. Oh, and she sponsors some of the coolest events in town. I call her Momma Austin Blogger and she will always be that to me.

Life- The Red Sweater

No blog has touched me as much as The Red Sweater. I came across CJ's blog through a comment she left on My Soul is a Butterfly. Her comment struck me and I went to her blog. CJ's blog is her way of dealing with her husband's death, celebrating his life, voicing her feelings, and exercising her writing. Not only is she a beautiful writer, but she talks about things that so many people are afraid to talk about- death and the range of emotions it creates. Her words are raw and true. I'm so happy I came across her blog.

CJ's husband, Clint