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Hipstercrite: A Day to Celebrate Jeff Goldblum

Thursday, June 24, 2010

A Day to Celebrate Jeff Goldblum

From here on out, I'm deeming every Thursday this summer the day of celebrating B-list celebrities with A-list personalities.

Last week we celebrated Rick Moranis, who will always be an A++ in my book.

Today we will be featuring Jeff Goldblum.
The Blum.
Dr. Ian Malcolm.
Big Giant Horny Perpetually Tan Middle-Aged Awesome Man.

Who doesn't love Jeff Goldblum?
Tell me, because I will throw my Jeff Goldblum Jurassic Park action figure at that person repeatedly until they concede.

What is there to say about Jeff Goldblum that hasn't already been said?
He's the Cary Grant of our time.
Ok, that's a stretch.

He is the Cary Grant of our time if Cary Grant had been Jewish and really really popular at computer camp.

One thing that can not be denied though, is The Blum's contribution to cinema:
The Big Chill, The Fly, The Adventures of Buckaroo Bonzai Across the 8th Dimension, Earth Girls Are Easy, Vibes, Jurassic Park, Independence Day, Igby Goes Down, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou.

All classics! Jurassic Park would not have been the box success that it was without Goldblum's sweaty, brooding portrayal as... himself. Ground-breaking special effect dinosaurs?! Fuck that! $340,000,000 of the $357,000,000 earned at the box office was from the secret society, "The Daughters of Jeff Goldblum". You've just never heard about it.

I asked my friend, *Sullivan P. Rockfort (not his real name), his thoughts on The Blum's gift to humanity.

Me: Hey Sullivan. Do you have a second?

Sullivan: Of course!

Me: What are your thoughts on Jeff Goldblum's gift to humanity?


Sullivan: You know how I feel about...THAT man. I have traumatic memories associated with him.

Me: Oh really? Care to elaborate?

Sullivan: Well, I could go into an unsettling amount of detail here, but in the interest of keeping everyone's breakfast down, I'll keep it brief: I was having [love hugz] with a young lady and halfway through, in the throes of ecstasy, she says, "God! You're so fucking hot. You look just like a young Jeff Goldblum!" My passionate [love hugz] came to a slow halt. "What?" I asked. "I said I'm so attracted to you because you look just like a young Jeff Goldblum." I immediately extricated myself from the [love hug], gathered my things, and left without a word. Now it's not that I have anything AGAINST Jeff Goldblum. It's that I LOOK NOTHING LIKE JEFF FUCKING GOLDBLUM. I'm Colombian for crying out loud. I mean shit. I should be so lucky. So her calling to the fact that I resemble him, really just sent me into a shame spiral out of which there was no escape. I was ashamed of my non-Goldblumesque appearance...and damned if I was going to capitalize on one young woman's poor eye sight.

I will also share a little story with you below, one that I've shared before on this blog, so forgive me if you've already read it.

Watch this if you don't want to read my story:

I worked on a movie starring Jeff Goldblum.
We became set friends because I have a vagina.
I didn't use my vagina with Jeff Goldblum, but The Blum, he can smell vagina from 100 feet away.

After a long day of shooting, The Blum walked up to me. I was overwhelmed with the giant bronzed Jewish God standing before me.

He was beautiful and he was touching me.
And touching me.
And, oh wait, he's still touching me.
Ok, you can keep touching me, Jeff Goldblum.

I got lost in his deep brown eyes.

"I just love that little button on the end of your nose!" he said, caressing the tip of his finger on my, what I feel is a very large Jewish nose, much like The Blum's.

Maybe The Blum should have said, "Hey, you and I have similar Jewish noses. Let's go get married."
And I would have. I would have left with The Blum that very second.

"Oh Jeff, you make a girl feel like a hundred dollars. Oh wait, I mean a million dollars."

And with that, The Blum smiled broadly and held me close. So close that I could feel his penis.
Really feel his penis.

.....What is your favorite Jeff Goldblum movie?

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At 9:32 AM, Blogger VegKat said...


That's all I have to say about that.

And keep up the gushing over men that don't have a "history" with Jennifer Aniston or Kate Hudson. 'Cause I'll be here waiting. *sigh*

At 9:32 AM, Blogger carlos said...

I think this is a great idea, talking about B-listers. Goldblum is brilliant, my fav stuttering Jew!

At 9:40 AM, Blogger Sophie Neutron said...

Loved Jurassic Park, only partly because I was a little obsessed with dinosaurs...LOVE that you even have a Goldblum figurine to throw at people!

At 9:51 AM, Blogger Sailorlegs said...

Earth Girls Are Easy was an instant classic, the moment it hit my eyes in 1989.
Zeebo, Wiploc,and Mac will always hold a special place in my heart.

Igby Goes Down is also a favorite, but I unfortunately have to blame that on my Culkin obsession.
[Any of them post 18 yrs of age, of course.]

At 9:57 AM, Blogger One Blonde Girl said...

Damn! What is with people writing about hot men today? (Love The Blum!) It's like someone designated it green M&M day.


Yay! I'm super excited for Thursdays now. Can't wait!

At 10:02 AM, Blogger EMQ said...

I love the fact that the Blum's plays himself in every movie/tv show that he does. Now that's a personality! And is is super hot. Which I really only came to grips with after reading your blog. So Thank you!

At 10:08 AM, Blogger Jessica Druck said...

i looove jeff goldblum.

At 10:19 AM, Blogger Hipstercrite said...

@Vegkat- Agreed. There are so many wonderful men that aren't media whores...

@Carlos- Ah! I love it! I wish I came up with "Goldbluming"

@Sophie- I was obsessed with dinosaurs too! That movie was like, THE movie for me. Then when I saw Dr. Ian Malcolm, well, he took over as my new obsession.

@Sailorlegs- Have you ever seen Vibes with Cyndi Lauper!?

@One Blonde Girl- What other hot men have people been writing about?

@EMQ- What I didn't include in this post, but did in the previous Goldblum post, is that he's probably one of the hardest working, nicest guys in Hollywood. He was an absolute treat. People looooove working with him because he makes every feel like gold. I was so happy to discover that one of my all-time favorite actors was such a great guy. He does love the poon though.

Jessica- Me too.

At 10:24 AM, Blogger Melanie's Randomness said...

He rules plain & simple. I loved him Jurassic Park. My favorite role is probably "Earth girls are Easy" where he's an alien. He's awesome!

At 10:31 AM, Blogger - B said...

I was just watching an episode of Law & Order: CI with him in it the other day and missed what the episode was about as I was heavily distracted from basking in his attractiveness!

Love him! I have a thing for tall, dark intellectuals with borderline traits of arrogance and endearing speech qualities.

I'm about to go watch him in Independence Day. My fave role of his is either David Levinson, him as Dr. Ian Malcom or maybe even his character in that one episode of Goosebumps?! Haha! It doesn't matter. I'd take him as just plain, old Jeff!

At 11:15 AM, Blogger kristy elĂ©na said...

god you crack me up! i love jeff goldblum, and the goldblum secrets video makes me laugh every time despite the fact that it's like the millionth time i've seen it. it's his delivery of "how dare you speak to me" that does it i think. or maybe i'm just easily amused. or perpetually stoned or something.

malcom explaining chaos theory. i heart.

At 11:39 AM, Blogger Hipstercrite said...

@Melanie-You know, I haven't seen that movie in forever. I think it's time to watch it again.

@B- I think you and I like the same people. You hit the nail on the head. I used to work for the man that wrote/produced ID4. He had some great stories.

@Kristy- No, I agree! His delivery is perfect. I laugh every time. The man is perfect. PERFECT!

At 12:34 PM, Blogger Randall said...

Because it needed to be said.

At 1:36 PM, Blogger Johana Hill said...

I never liked him until he started SVU: Criminal Intent! ;p Don't hate me now!

At 2:19 PM, Blogger Big Mark 243 said...

Hmm... I knew he was in 'Buckaroo...' but wasn't sure. Thanks for verifying that fact for me.

I remember 'Tenspeed and Brownshoe'. That is what comes to my mind when I think 'the Blum'.

At 6:13 PM, Blogger Adria said...

Oh man! Glad you brought up his skeeviness and willingness to sleep with every female on a film set.

I worked on an episode of Criminal Intent and you better believe The Blum was hitting on everyone. Not me though because I had a prop baby and was too busy flirting with the craft service table of sandwiches, but that's fair.

At 6:43 PM, Blogger Jade Carver said...

Wow. Just... wow. And that vid is awesome.

At 10:56 PM, Blogger Benny said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At 10:57 PM, Blogger Benny said...

Thousands of us men would have been saved years of rejection if only we idolized Jeff Goldblum instead of wasting our time on Brad Pitt or Leo DiCaprio.

At 1:02 AM, Blogger Charmalade said...

OK. Ok. Ok. I need to calm myself down, mentally. Do I ever do that? OK, point aside. Very funny thing: I was JUST reading over your old Goldblum posts before you ever wrote this post... so with this new blooming of Blum (yes, I went there), I'm practically ecstatic.

It's rare for others (especially my friends) to understand and share my love for this man, this tall, walking, talking actor of.... SEX. Forget the fact that I love Jurassic Park and consequently have this irrational fear of velociraptors, but JEFF GOLDBLUM. I just love reading what you write about him, especially in keen envy and delight that you worked with him at one point. And hugged him. CLOSE. I dunno, I sometimes don't know what I hit my head on. Jeff Goldblum?? But whenver he comes on the screen, I just... yeah. Sigh.

You don't think I'm completely crazy, do you? I think this is my rambling way of saying THANK YOU and YES and I AGREE and CAN WE SHARE HIM. I'll scamper off meekly in my Blum shame now...

Toast with Charmalade

At 8:56 AM, Blogger Enn said...

haha! This was great. However, my first instinct was, "Whatttt? FUCK Jeff Goldblum, man!"

At 9:20 AM, Blogger Peter said...

I'm relatively sure there is nobody you could compare me to that would make me lose focus from love hugzing.

At 9:32 AM, Blogger Hipstercrite said...

@Randall- Ha! That video is great! There are so many wonderful Goldblum themed videos on Youtube.

@Johana- And now don't you loooooove him? Like have his babies love him?

@Big Mark 243- You know, I only heard about "Tenspeed and Brownshoe" recently. Is it any good?

@Adria- He is the ultimate ladies man...but I still love him.

@Jade- That video cracks me up every time.

@Benny- Seriously...we ALL have a lot to learn from Jeff Goldblum. His charming one compares.

@Charmalade- I agree with everything that you say. Since I was ten years old, that man can get my motor going. I was so happy to discover how cool he was in real life.

@Enn- What movie is that from?

@Peter- I just told *Sullivan your comment...

At 11:17 AM, Blogger Angie said...

Earth Girls Are Easy, by far. Only recently saw Vibes and it's become a new favourite!

At 5:59 PM, Blogger Emily said...

Why am I only just reading this.
Firstly I love Jeff Goldblum.
Secondly I'm going to see a play called 'The Prisoners of Second Avenue' in London this month purely because The Blum is in it.
Thirdly this blog made me want to die because you've felt his penis.
Fourthly I'm sort of glad you have because I can say I have some sort of weird connection with Jeff Goldblum's penis.

That is all.

I love this blog more than life.

At 6:10 PM, Blogger Emily said...

Oh and hopefully you can give me a tip here. Do you reckon if I asked Jeff Goldblum for a photograph of me and him after the show he'd be all like "oh hell no" or "oh hell yeah"?

I'm super nervous about asking him.
I'm trusting that because you've felt his peen you know exactly what his reaction will be like. You are now my Jeff Goldblum oracle.

At 7:18 AM, Blogger The Kid In The Front Row said...

Great blog post. I love your writing style, hilarious! :)

At 11:33 AM, Blogger Edwina said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At 11:34 AM, Blogger Edwina said...

I'm late to the party but I too have had a mad crush on him for a longlong time. No one mentioned a little gem he did with Kristin Scott Thomas called "Framed". If you haven't seen it, do so. Only thing better than Goldblum is more Goldblum.


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