The Jewish Lovebirds

While I was back home in New York for Thanksgiving, I got myself a handy little Flipcam. I tested the camera out by interviewing my 84 year-old grandmother, Nan, and her 83 year-old boyfriend, Lionel, about their Jewish heritage and how they met. Below are the best segments of our conversation. You will probably notice how much they bring out the worst in each other. In fact, it's fair to say they down right can't stand each other. Lionel is, what my grandmother calls, a "Jewish American Prince" and a "nudge". Lionel has always been the jokester and the teaser and my grandmother, being the prim and proper lady that she is, has become less and less tolerable of his behavior over the years. Lionel is the sort of person while dining with my grandmother in a public restaurant, yell, "Help! Help! This little old lady is trying to grope me!" In fact, Lionel is often kicked out of public places much to my grandmother's embarrassment. Unfortunately, Lionel's behavior has become slightly more erratic since being diagnosed in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's. Also, I'd like to note, my grandmother is particularly cantankerous in this video because she was having extreme back pain and couldn't walk well.

I can't wait to get old!!!

As the Jewish Lovebirds explain, they met around thirteen years ago when my grandmother sued Lionel after she got her heel stuck in a tile of a building he owned and fell and broke her wrist. Nobody really liked Lionel, including my grandmother, but he became a family fixture soon enough and I can't imagine him not being around. He still is a pain in the ass, but thinking about the nightmarish journey he and my grandmother are about to embark on breaks my heart.

A Day to Celebrate Jeff Goldblum

From here on out, I'm deeming every Thursday this summer the day of celebrating B-list celebrities with A-list personalities.

Last week we celebrated Rick Moranis, who will always be an A++ in my book.

Today we will be featuring Jeff Goldblum.

The Blum.

Brundlefly.

Dr. Ian Malcolm.

Big Giant Horny Perpetually Tan Middle-Aged Awesome Man.

Who doesn't love Jeff Goldblum?

Who?

WHO???

Tell me, because I will throw my Jeff Goldblum Jurassic Park action figure at that person repeatedly until they concede.

What is there to say about Jeff Goldblum that hasn't already been said?

He's the Cary Grant of our time.

Ok, that's a stretch.

He is the Cary Grant of our time if Cary Grant had been Jewish and really really popular at computer camp.

One thing that can not be denied though, is The Blum's contribution to cinema:

The Big Chill, The Fly, The Adventures of Buckaroo Bonzai Across the 8th Dimension, Earth Girls Are Easy, Vibes, Jurassic Park, Independence Day, Igby Goes Down, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou.

All classics! Jurassic Park would not have been the box success that it was without Goldblum's sweaty, brooding portrayal as... himself. Ground-breaking special effect dinosaurs?! Fuck that! $340,000,000 of the $357,000,000 earned at the box office was from the secret society, "The Daughters of Jeff Goldblum". You've just never heard about it.

I asked my friend, *Sullivan P. Rockfort (not his real name), his thoughts on The Blum's gift to humanity.

Me: Hey Sullivan. Do you have a second?

Sullivan: Of course!

Me: What are your thoughts on Jeff Goldblum's gift to humanity?

(Silence)

Sullivan: You know how I feel about...THAT man. I have traumatic memories associated with him.

Me: Oh really? Care to elaborate?

Sullivan: Well, I could go into an unsettling amount of detail here, but in the interest of keeping everyone's breakfast down, I'll keep it brief: I was having [love hugz] with a young lady and halfway through, in the throes of ecstasy, she says, "God! You're so fucking hot. You look just like a young Jeff Goldblum!" My passionate [love hugz] came to a slow halt. "What?" I asked. "I said I'm so attracted to you because you look just like a young Jeff Goldblum." I immediately extricated myself from the [love hug], gathered my things, and left without a word. Now it's not that I have anything AGAINST Jeff Goldblum. It's that I LOOK NOTHING LIKE JEFF FUCKING GOLDBLUM. I'm Colombian for crying out loud. I mean shit. I should be so lucky. So her calling to the fact that I resemble him, really just sent me into a shame spiral out of which there was no escape. I was ashamed of my non-Goldblumesque appearance...and damned if I was going to capitalize on one young woman's poor eye sight.

I will also share a little story with you below, one that I've shared before on this blog, so forgive me if you've already read it.

Watch this if you don't want to read my story:

I worked on a movie starring Jeff Goldblum.

We became set friends because I have a vagina.

I didn't use my vagina with Jeff Goldblum, but The Blum, he can smell vagina from 100 feet away.

After a long day of shooting, The Blum walked up to me. I was overwhelmed with the giant bronzed Jewish God standing before me.

He was beautiful and he was touching me.

And touching me.

And, oh wait, he's still touching me.

Ok, you can keep touching me, Jeff Goldblum.

I got lost in his deep brown eyes.

"I just love that little button on the end of your nose!" he said, caressing the tip of his finger on my, what I feel is a very large Jewish nose, much like The Blum's.

Maybe The Blum should have said, "Hey, you and I have similar Jewish noses. Let's go get married."

And I would have. I would have left with The Blum that very second.

"Oh Jeff, you make a girl feel like a hundred dollars. Oh wait, I mean a million dollars."

And with that, The Blum smiled broadly and held me close. So close that I could feel his penis.

Really feel his penis.

.....What is your favorite Jeff Goldblum movie?

Scenes From A Jewish Christmas: Or What I Learned About My Family on This Trip Home

The Characters
Grandmother

Nickname: Nan, Nettie Mae, The Boss
Age: 83

Religious Affiliation: Passive Jew

Occupation: 40+ years in women's clothing retail

Relationship Status: Twice divorced, dating Special Friend whom she began dating after suing him for medical costs after her heel got stuck in a tile in the building he owns.
Children: One daughter and one granddaughter
Likes: dressing nicely, wearing heels to the gym, and preparing beautiful meals that you cannot touch
Dislikes: "people who pretend they are something that they are not."

Grandmother's Special Friend

Age: 82

Nickname: Jewish American Prince, Pain in the Ass, Asshole
Religion: Passive Jew

Occupation: 40+ years in women's clothing retail

Relationship Status: Once divorced, once widowed, dating Grandmother
Children: 3 sons, 2 stepsons, and 4 grandchildren
Likes: "people who pretend they are something that they are not and are good at it."
Dislikes: "...you know....things..."

Lauren
Age: 26
Nickname: As a child, she self-proclaimed her nickname to be "Spooky" due to her obsession with The X-files. Unfortunately, she was the only one that called herself that.
Religious Affiliation: Passive Jew (thanks to Grandmother)
Occupation: Perpetual assistant in the film industry
Relationship Status: Dating Special Gentleman Friend (different from Grandma's "Special Friend")
Likes: dancing to Michael Jackson in inappropriate situations.
Dislikes: people who don't pay attention to her dancing to Michael Jackson in inappropriate situations.


The Setting
Small, lonely town in Upstate NY.

Scenario 1-

Lauren decides to cook Grandma and Lionel Thai food because they have never tried it.

Grandma
Lionel, what we ate tonight was tufo. You've had tufo before.

Lauren

Grandma, it's tofu.

(Grandma laughs)

Lionel
Yeah, Nan, it's tofu!

(Grandma stops laughing)

Grandma
Shut the hell up, Lionel.

(Lionel's mouth drops open)

Lionel
Nan! How can you say that to me?

Grandma
Easy, stupid!

Fast forward to tomorrow morning.

Grandma
Lauren, that tufo has made me go to the bathroom five times now.

Scenario 2-
Lauren, Mom, Grandma, Grandma's Special Friend sit down for Christmas Eve dinner at The Community Restaurant.

Lionel
(to waitress)
Are you a man or woman?

Lauren
(to waitress)
Can you get me the tallest glass of vodka and cranberry please?

Scenario 3-
Lauren, Mom, Grandma, and Grandma's Special Friend sit down at a makeshift table planted in the middle of the living room for Christmas Dinner.

Grandma
Oh Lionel, you're always wishing you were dead.

Lionel
No I don't!

Grandma
Oh, yes you do. I always hear you saying, "Dear God, please take me now."

Lionel
That's because I'm trying to cut a deal with him.

Grandma
God doesn't cut deals.

Lionel
Yes, he does. He's Jewish

Grandma
(looks up)
Dear God, please forgive us.

To be continued....