The Boys I Have Dated (L.A. year 3 + 4)

#10- I met you at a party on a ranch in the mountains of Los Angeles county. You were living with some childhood friends who had moved out here to “create music, man”. You were another conventionally good-looking one- looking a lot like the pop idols of the 70’s. Actually, you look more like a chick. I wasn’t attracted to you. You kept following me around the party and talked about how much you hated everything. I got drunk and you seemed interested, so we made out until we both fell asleep. I slipped out in the morning and I was surprised to get a call from you two days later. We began seeing each other and you had nice hands. It started to dawn on me how crazy you were when you never changed out of the one three piece wool suit you owned and you talked of being the reincarnation of James Joyce. But you were such a good cuddler. I felt safe when I was lying next to you, but it was the only time I liked being around you. You talked about how this town was going to kill you or that your intellect would slowly make you go insane. I threatened to walk and every time you asked me not to go, until one day you told me you “didn’t want a girlfriend, but things didn't have to change!” You couldn’t get over the equitable basket-case you dated a year ago and I wasn’t going to “fix you”, as you so plainly stated. You said you were afraid of having meaningful sex with someone blah blah blah BLAH BLAH! Though I thought you were nuts, you leaving didn't stop me from feeling awful since you were trying to still be my friend. I feel that you and I only pretend to be friends now but I don’t particulary like you as a person and I want to yell that to your face. So I just picked up the phone to do that and instead we talked for an hour about nothing and I felt empty. P.S. Now I actually don't talk to you. P.S.S. I didn't talk to you, then you came back around and for some reason drove me insane. I'm trying to forget you again. P.S.S.S I did forget about you and now you won't talk to me.

#11- You contacted me out of the blue. We went to college together. I don’t recall ever talking to you but you do. You looked like you walked out of a Gap ad so I stayed away. We found out we had a lot in common. You were in the film business as well, but considered yourself an artist. On the second date, as I was getting in my car to leave, you tackled me and we made out in the front seat, our feet dangling out, passerbys wondering what the hell was going on. We saw each other for a month. You seemed really into me and I was indifferent. The sad thing is, I never really felt anything towards you. I looked at you lying next to me and my mind would go blank. You started to pull away like they all do and I am just to damn tired to fight anymore. You and your friends have a ------- ------ ------ ----- and I’ve debated on texting you out of the blue to tell you you’re not -----. P.S. We talk occassionaly and I was able to get you to explain your side of things. Thanks for that.

#12- I had left my career and decided this year was going to be about finding myself. Well, I found myself and didn't really like what I saw. I began working part-time at a retail store. You worked there. I never paid much mind to you. You were really good looking, but a little odd. Like you never knew what to say or how to say it, but always smiled afterwards as if to reconfirm the mess that came out of your mouth. I was quitting the store to go on my big cross-county and Europe trip that never happened. We started trading emails and you seemed more interesting than I thought. We went out, it was fun. Nothing of note. Then the second time, we made-out in the back of your car and that was super fun. Fogged up the windows and all. For a guy who has zero personality, you're pretty sensual. I was proud of myself. I tried to mentally "be there" and for the most part, I was. I thought I had become cold. Getting used to having to feel nothing. The third date we had sex and I was sober and wasn't ready for someone who had the stamina as you. In fact, it scared the shit out of me and I tried not to cry. I was trembling and you were oblivious and your distance made me feel worse. We went out one more time and you were cold, emotionless. I didn't know what to do and it turns out that my reaching out to you pushed you away more. Typical.

There has been a sprinkling of other encounters- the flaccid one-night stand with the rich Long Islander who thinks he’s the shit (I found later he got fired from his job after his girlfriend took a restraining order out against him), the narcissistic hippie who pulled out a magnum 30 minutes into making out, the boy who is not gay but I’m convinced is gay and is just trying to prove to everyone that he’s not gay, and the guy who looked like a 40 year-old David Byrne who I liked but didn’t like me.

So what have I learned from this?

You can’t blame others for your missed connections. You can’t blame L.A., you can’t blame Dad for leaving, and Mom for never getting over him. Quit dating artist types who can’t get it up and that have one or more messed up cultural icons that they model themselves after and you should see some improvement.