The Boys I Have Dated (L.A.- year 2)

#7- What a sweet, dear man you were….and horribly desperate. I wasn’t ready to date anyone yet because of #6 but that didn’t matter, you freaked me out hardcore. You were kind and generous, but from El Paso, Republican, and 33. After a week of knowing you, I heard through the grapevine you were calling me your girlfriend and “the one”. You’d get mad if I didn’t call you every day and I was doing everything to you that I hated about what men did to me. I think you were ready to settle down and I definitely wasn’t the one. You were also more effeminate than me. You loved your “mani’s and pedi’s!” Sometimes when I hear a stupid John Mayer song, you pop into my head (which is another reason why we wouldn’t have worked out).

#8- I met you after my New Year’s resolution to respect myself more (and to stop hooking up with guys with no direction who may or may not have girlfriends). After poo pooing the hell out of it, I tried online dating after I realized how many cute young guys were on there. Your picture caught my eye. You had glasses and you looked liked a hipster (though I’m sure you’d hate being called that- according to your profile, you consider yourself a “non-dirty hippie”). Upon meeting you, I was disappointed in how short you were, but you were fun and interesting. You were a photographer and an activist and a vegan. Three dates in, we got together and I woke up in your Eastern decorated photography studio/loft thinking I could get used to this. You were closing on a house in East L.A. and started stressing out. You wouldn’t let me get close. We enjoyed a few months of hanging in your new 5 bedroom Victorian house, going to the David Lynch-esque 1920’s bowling alley behind your house, and eating vegan dessert off of each others bodies (maybe pretending to enjoy that). I finally heard the standard, “I don’t want a girlfriend right now” and we parted ways. I don’t really miss having to go to vegan restaurants with you. You also sucked in the sack (maybe you were self-conscious about having a small ----). Look, it’s not a race. You had the sensuality of a goat. Maybe it’s from not getting enough meat.

#9- You stopped me at a Subway in Koreatown. You said my smile made you need to talk to me. You gave me your card and SURPRISE! you were an actor. You were beautiful. 100% conventionally good looking. You weren’t my type but I didn’t mind the idea of having you as arm candy. Soon after I discovered how stupid you were. We went out on my birthday but I didn’t tell you it was my birthday. I didn’t want anyone to know. We had a good time in Downtown, but I was more interested in listening to the new Arcade Fire album that was playing on the loud speakers than talking to you. We had sex that evening and my only thought during it was, “you have to be kidding me”. You were obnoxiously loud and fast I was slightly embarrassed for you. You were very sweet to me but I no longer trusted any man. Finally one day, right in the middle of sex, you accused me of faking it. Maybe I was, but that was no excuse to banish me to my own couch. That was it. The last thing you said to me as you walked out the door was, “What’s the difference between a PC and a Mac and can you get on the internet with a Mac?” I wasn’t too sad to see you go. I think you’re dating a teenager now which is good. Someone more on the same intellectual wavelength as you.