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The Boys I Have Dated (Pre-L.A.)

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Hipstercrite: The Boys I Have Dated (Pre-L.A.)

Friday, July 18, 2008

The Boys I Have Dated (Pre-L.A.)

This is part of an on-going journal I've kept in honor of a famous Craigslist posting entitled, "The Girls I've Dated". It's long and I'm going to break it up into sections. I'll probably piss some people off, so I'm going to do a little censoring.

“You’re not my type! I’m sorry, but I don’t like good-looking, motivated, hard-working men. The last guy I dated didn’t have a car and lived in a cabin- in Los Angeles.”

As those words left my mouth and sat upon the ears of a sweet boy who has been desperately courting me for the past few months, it finally dawned on me why I’ve had such horrible experience dating.

#1- You were my first love. 2nd grade. You were brilliant then. I loved your glasses and your intellect. I still love boys with glasses. I desperately wanted you to kiss me, but you never would (seems to be a trend). I would try to coax you by drawing diagrams of you and I kissing. You sent me cards and gifts and every night I would read your cards and kiss them good night. Our unconsummated love affair ended in 4th grade. You are an archaeologist now like you always wanted to be. You're still brilliant and you're living with your girlfriend now in Philadelphia, I think. I saw you this summer after your dear father died. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Our childhood is gone.

#2- I'm sorry. My mother was scared that the divorce f'ed me up so she pushed me upon you. We were in tenth grade. All you wanted was to be loved. But then, you so desperately needed love and attention from everyone. I wasn't interested in you. You'd try to hold my hand and I would tense up and wanted to run away. Because of this, Mom thought I was maybe a lesbian. You kissed me and I thought it was slimy. If I ever thought someone from our class would bring a --- into a public area, I thought it would be you. You were intense. Since you are an actor, you over-dramatize everything and hated that I'm the one chick you couldn't charm the pants off of. You had no problem with girls but problems with -------. That's because you need to somehow justify your existence. Love yourself more. P.S. Ok, that was a little harsh. I'm sorry. I was going to lay into the whole Eastern philosophy thing you recently got into too, but I won't. I'm not sure where I was when I wrote that. You're getting married in a few weeks and I'm super happy for you. It looks like you've found your way. Congrats.

#3- My first and last long-term boyfriend. You were my best friend in high school but I had no interest in you. I was scared. Mom didn't teach me how to be around boys. We would hold hands and cuddle and the young, virgin itch of that was enthralling. I remember we were listening to "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic" by The Police in my living room after school one day and you told me that you loved me. I told you I didn't feel the same way and you left, wandered around the neighborhood for hours. I still think about that night. You walking around the neighborhood. Finally you kissed me at a sleepover in my basement after The Cotillion and I was hooked. I painted your name on my fingernails. We were each other's first sexual experiences and it was thrilling. Not because we had any idea of what we were doing. The exhilaration was short-lived but the love stayed. You are a good man but I couldn't understand that I lost interest in you sexually and it caused major problems. You were ------------- and that caused some ------- issues as well. We stayed together for 3 ½ years all the way through college. When I moved to L.A. I wanted you to come out with me, but you never would (thank the Lord). You broke up with me after a month of living in L.A. I was sad but strangely got over you quickly (that would be because of the next person). Also, it was time. You are married now to the girl you broke up with me for (though you told me initially you needed to be alone for awhile). I am so happy for you. You want a wife and kids. That's not me. Your wife won't let you talk to me. With you, maturity was never a strong point. You'll never grow up. You will forever be tormented knowing your potential and dreams and never ever striving towards them. You're living in your parents basement in the Midwest with a baby on the way (I'm thankful it's not me). Are you still a furniture salesman? I'm sorry if I bossed you around and hurt your feelings by obviously losing interest in you ********. That must have hurt.

To be continued...


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