How To Be A 1980's Awesome Man

Bryan Ferry, Danny Elfman, Robert Palmer, Peter Gabriel, David Byrne.

What do these men all have in common?

I would each have their child and it would be the most beautiful and talented family that was ever created!!!

We'd name our children names like "Radio" and "Soliloquy" and all live on our own island somewhere in the Caribbean. Byrne and Ferry will co-write a song about me titled, "The Girl Standing On the Window Ledge" and duet battle onstage to see who has the best awkward vibrato. At some point it's decided that I will manage all five of them and try to name the group "The Fer Elf Pal Gab Byr Five". Egos flair up over who has the sexiest swagger and Elfman takes a defiant dump during the middle of a performance to show who is boss. The band breaks up three shows in, and Gabriel takes all the children to an African music camp. I go into a deep depression that I numb with the help of horse tranquilizers. Ferry and Palmer run off with underaged English models and Byrne turns our Caribbean compound into a self-sustaining cyclist Eutopia and kicks me off the island. I swim back to the States, sleep in a homeless shelter, and tell anyone who will listen the story of my five rock star ex-husbands.

When I wasn't daydreaming about our not-so-perfect little family, I was thinking of ways I could dress/be like these men. My parents had every reason to question my sexual identity when I preferred to dress in Byrne's "big suit" vs. girly leggings and graphic shirts that screamed, "Cupcake!" on them.

If you spent the better part of your childhood trying to be a 1980's Awesome Man, then look no further. Here are guidelines below:

1.) Asperger's- It's important that you act highly awkward in social situations. Ways to achieve this? a.) Stare at someone for long periods of time with no facial expression whatsoever b.) Exit a conversation by simply disappearing c.) Answer a question being asked to you ten minutes later, long after the conversation has ended d.) Talk about metaphysics for abnormal lengths of time.

2.) Crooner-esque- Make sure to wear a tuxedo at all times. Morning, day, night. You want to keep that appearance every time you wake up next to a new model. She opens her eyes and rolls over to see you sitting up in your satin tails, bow tie unraveled, cig in hand, and mouthing "Love is the Drug" softly in her ear.

3.) Tank Tops- Tank tops go with anything. They go with slacks. They go with suspenders. They go with demonic theatrical sounding vocals. Don't be afraid to embrace the tank. They accentuate body hair and sweat. This is a good thing.

4.) Hot Expressionless Women- Surround yourself with them, because no matter how crooked your teeth may be, these women will make you look important. Dressing them in tight black dresses without bras and glossy red lipstick is even better. Sure, you might come across as a chauvinistic prick, but that's part of the game, baby.

5.) Africa- It was a staple in the 80's that if you were a man and you were white, you had to incorporate African beats into your music. It made anything you create sound ten times better.

Style- Manhattan 1980

As a kid growing up in Upstate New York, there was only one place to go after high school.

New York City.

No other place mattered.

And only one time period ever existed really.

TV Party still, Polaroid by Maripol

Glenn O'Brien

Deborah Harry and Glenn O'Brien, maybe on the set of "TV Party"?

Deborah Harry, Polaroid by Maripol

Bettie Ringma (98Bowery project), Nancy Spungen, and Sable Starr at CBGBs

Bettie Ringma and David Byrne at CBGB's

Talking Heads

Patti Smith and Robert Mapplethorpe, photo by Gerard Malanga

Edie Sedgwick photobooth, portrait by Gerard Melanga

Jean-Michel Basquiat, Polaroid by Andy Warhol

Keith Haring

Klaus Nomi, Christopher Parker, and Jim Jarmusch, photo by David Godlis

Richard Hell at CBGB's, photo by David Godlis

Richard Avedon, self-portrait

Michael Auder and Viva Superstar, photographed by Richard Avedon

Truman Capote, portrait by Andy Warhol

Andy Warhol, self-portrait

The Only Time It's Appropriate to Dance Like David Byrne, Is At a David Byrne Concert

You know what day it is? It's David Byrne Friday again! About once a month I unsystematically write a blog entry about my future ex-husband. This month, Mr. DB will be at the Paramount Theatre in Austin discussing his new book, "The Bicycle Diaries", and bicycling in Austin. RSVP here. 

OF COURSE I WILL BE MO-FO'ING OUT OF TOWN! 

That's ok though. 

I've gotten me some good Byrne lovin' in the past....

9/28/08
Number #12 on the list of life's greatest pleasures?
Watching David Byrne in concert.
The man has still got it. He never lost it.
The only difference is the replacement of gray instead of brown on that mop of hair.
Every other bit of him is the same. The body, the voice, the leg jerks and awkward hand gestures...

Like a child waiting anxiously for Christmas morning to arrive, I stood at the front of the stage an hour before David Byrne was to come on. I was at the Austin City Limits festival and he was the only reason I was there. I moved to Austin on this day specifically to see David Byrne. He is to be my familiar welcome to this strange new city I just uprooted my life to.

I've seen David Byrne twice prior. Once at the charming State Theatre in Ithaca, New York and the second time at the Hollywood Bowl in Los Angeles. In Ithaca, he wandered around the theater after the show, conversing with the few stragglers that hung around. I was genuinely surprised at how strange he was. I don't know why. I don't know why I thought a man who lacks any facial expression and sings about inanimate objects wouldn't be odd. I asked if I can take a picture with him and he blankly stared at me and mumbled. When the flash came up, he lit up like a circus. He looks like a proud papa hugging his daughter who just won the State spelling bee contest. In the picture his top hat is pushed down his head, smooshing his ears under the lobes.

The Hollywood Bowl show was pure magic. The cosmos aligned and brought together two larger than life acts- David Byrne and Arcade Fire. I remember thinking during the show that I could have been struck by lightening and been happy. The encore was my number one favorite song "This Must be the Place (Naive Melody)" sung by both acts. Oh, and there was some sort of burlesque marching band fornicating with brass instruments too.

Enough of things past.

At 6:30PM on Friday, September 26th, a somber character dressed all in white entered the stage. David Byrne picked up his guitar, said a quick hello, and jumped into his new single with Brian Eno, "Strange Overtones" from Everything That Happens Will Happen Today. Normally, a very catchy song, I didn't recognize it until halfway through. This was not a good sign and I was nervous. My anxiety quickly faded when the recognizable beats of "I Zimbra" began. Interpretative dancers dressed in white filled the stage and I knew we were in for something different.

My attempt at writing a professional review is going to end right here. I honestly don't remember how the rest of the playlist went. I was on a fucking cloud, floating high above the stage. I know he played half of "Remain in Light"much to my delight. The crowd pleasers were "Once in a Lifetime" and "Life During Wartime". Though two of Talking Heads' most popular songs, they never ever ever get old. He even treated us to his famous "dance moves" made popular in STOP MAKING SENSE ("treat" being used loosely). A surprising song on the list was "Help Me Somebody" from Byrne and Eno's My Life in the Bush of Ghosts. David Byrne sang the part that was originally a sample of Rev. Paul Morton giving a sermon on the album. It worked great! The dancers were silly and all over the place, but it only added to the informality of his shows. Everyone was happy and it bounced back and forth between the performer and his audience. I called as many people as I could and held the phone up to the air. "It's David Byrne!" I screamed and continued dancing like a fool. I was sticky, my armpits smelled, but I was happy. I was so unbelievably happy.

I looked up at the big screen above me and remembered when I was 16 and first saw David Byrne. I rented STOP MAKING SENSE and thought it was the awe-inspiring footage that I had ever seen. Who was this guy? What were these songs? I learned every lyric, every dance move. For the past 10 years, Talking Heads have been my favorite band.
And to have the opportunity to stand in front of the singer, singing the words along with him, well, it's one of the greatest pleasures in life.

It's a David Byrne Kind of Friday

1.) My main man, David Byrne, has a new book out on September 17th, titled, "Bicycle Diaries". Byrne shares his observations and photographs of his travels across the world using a bicycle as his main mode of transportation.  In old news, Byrne recently created imagintive bike racks for the New York City Department of Transportation. There are nine designs located through Manhattan and Brooklyn, including a guitar, a cup of coffee, and the trucker mud flaps lady. 

In other words, David Byrne really really likes bicycles.

2.) I recently attended a screening of David Byrne's Texas-centric "True Stories" (1986) at the Texas State History Museum. After the screening, members of the crew shared their stories of Byrne and the making of the movie. Though there were no new and revealing stories, everyone agreed that they had no idea what the hell the movie was about but were excited to be working with David nonetheless. Also, interestingly enough, I believe everyone in the state of Texas was casted in that movie. If you've never seen the movie, it's a love letter to Texas. I envision David Byrne having a child-like wonderment for the Americana of state and wanted to capture it in the most narratively absurd and visually minimalistic way possible. It's a beautiful, nonsensical movie. It's worth checking out. Plus, Spalding Gray is in it!

3.) And if you've never happened across his online journal, it's worth taking a look. Oddly, the seemingly shy and indifferent entertainer has been keeping a well manicured blog for five years now. He's quite the talker. David Byrne loves to eat up his surroundings, wax poetic on current events, and support up-and-coming bands and artists. In fact, a few years ago, he would stay at local musicians' houses while on tour. He's so dreamy.

The Way of the Music Industry According to David Byrne

Since it's always a David Byrne kind of day, I wanted to share this article I stumbled across while trying to figure out what DB song was playing on KCRW. Entitled "David Byrne's Survival Strategies for Emerging Artists — and Megastars", this article appeared in a Dec. '07 issue of Wired Magazine. It's a very informative, laymen's article regarding the present day music industry and what the future holds for musicians.

I wish he were my Dad. Except I have a pretty fucking cool father already.

Read it here!

Byrne and Eno Redux

What delight when I read on one of my favorite websites Buzzfeed (www.buzzfeed.com) that David Byrne and Brian Eno have teamed up again! Most fans will remember their '81 album My Life in the Bush of Ghosts. The boys are finishing up their new album Everything That Happens Will Happen Today. That's only part one of the exciting news. Part two is that David Byrne announced he will be touring to promote the album. He will be performing a mix of new stuff, solo, Talking Heads, and Bush of Ghosts songs. Dates are trickling but in the L.A. area there is a show at the Greek Theatre on Oct. 3rd @ 8PM. DB will also be at the Austin City Limits festival Sept. 26th-28th. He will be performing Friday night at 6:30PM. Check out www.everythingthathappens.com to read and see the announcements. David Byrne videotapes himself talking in his David Byrne fashion, then cuts to a plastic rabbit.

On the website, the album will be available for streaming and/or purchase. One song will be available for free and you can sign up to get more info as it comes out.

I just realized today that somebody stole my 3rd hubcap. I still have one. I don't understand why they take them in piecemeal. Fucking idiots.