How To Be A 1980's Awesome Man

Bryan Ferry, Danny Elfman, Robert Palmer, Peter Gabriel, David Byrne.

What do these men all have in common?

I would each have their child and it would be the most beautiful and talented family that was ever created!!!

We'd name our children names like "Radio" and "Soliloquy" and all live on our own island somewhere in the Caribbean. Byrne and Ferry will co-write a song about me titled, "The Girl Standing On the Window Ledge" and duet battle onstage to see who has the best awkward vibrato. At some point it's decided that I will manage all five of them and try to name the group "The Fer Elf Pal Gab Byr Five". Egos flair up over who has the sexiest swagger and Elfman takes a defiant dump during the middle of a performance to show who is boss. The band breaks up three shows in, and Gabriel takes all the children to an African music camp. I go into a deep depression that I numb with the help of horse tranquilizers. Ferry and Palmer run off with underaged English models and Byrne turns our Caribbean compound into a self-sustaining cyclist Eutopia and kicks me off the island. I swim back to the States, sleep in a homeless shelter, and tell anyone who will listen the story of my five rock star ex-husbands.

When I wasn't daydreaming about our not-so-perfect little family, I was thinking of ways I could dress/be like these men. My parents had every reason to question my sexual identity when I preferred to dress in Byrne's "big suit" vs. girly leggings and graphic shirts that screamed, "Cupcake!" on them.

If you spent the better part of your childhood trying to be a 1980's Awesome Man, then look no further. Here are guidelines below:

1.) Asperger's- It's important that you act highly awkward in social situations. Ways to achieve this? a.) Stare at someone for long periods of time with no facial expression whatsoever b.) Exit a conversation by simply disappearing c.) Answer a question being asked to you ten minutes later, long after the conversation has ended d.) Talk about metaphysics for abnormal lengths of time.

2.) Crooner-esque- Make sure to wear a tuxedo at all times. Morning, day, night. You want to keep that appearance every time you wake up next to a new model. She opens her eyes and rolls over to see you sitting up in your satin tails, bow tie unraveled, cig in hand, and mouthing "Love is the Drug" softly in her ear.

3.) Tank Tops- Tank tops go with anything. They go with slacks. They go with suspenders. They go with demonic theatrical sounding vocals. Don't be afraid to embrace the tank. They accentuate body hair and sweat. This is a good thing.

4.) Hot Expressionless Women- Surround yourself with them, because no matter how crooked your teeth may be, these women will make you look important. Dressing them in tight black dresses without bras and glossy red lipstick is even better. Sure, you might come across as a chauvinistic prick, but that's part of the game, baby.

5.) Africa- It was a staple in the 80's that if you were a man and you were white, you had to incorporate African beats into your music. It made anything you create sound ten times better.