The Evolution of a Quasi-Hipster

DAMMIT!

I just read Paste Magazine's "The Evolution of the Hipster" and realized that I'm not really a hipster!

That means I'm going to have to change the name of this blog again.

Or maybe I am.

I don't know.

I came up with a scorecard. What do you think?

Am I hipster?

TELL ME WHO I AM!!!

Hipster Scorecard

1.) I wear non-prescription glasses, suspenders, and ties (bow included) (-1 for wearing glasses THAT I DON'T FUCKING NEED)

horn rimmed glasses + tie = dumb ass hipster

2.) However, I've been wearing non-prescription glasses, suspenders, and ties since I was six years old and didn't even know what a hipster was (+1 for being the coolest kid ever, even though I was called "dyke" on a daily basis in middle school)

3.) For having a car as my main mode of transportation (+1 for not being environmentally conscious)

4.) I'm always six months behind on what the hot new indie band is (+1 for still loving, and I mean loving, Fleetwood Mac)

5.) I don't wear pencil jeans, I'm not a size zero, and I typically smile (+1 for not being an emo kid disguised as a hipster)

6.) There is a picture or two of me wearing a fake mustache (-1 for having penis envy)

7.) I live in Austin, TX (-1 for living in the town where 1 in every 4 people wear a neon bicycle cap)

8.) At least I'm not in Williamsburg (+1 for being smart enough not to be broke in New York City)

9.) I don't walk/stand like I have polio in my legs (+1 for having good posture)

10.) I work for a company whose name is an exclaimed adjective followed by an exclaimed adverb in a warehouse on Austin's Eastside (-1 for trying to be so LES 1977)

10.) You will never catch me wearing a t-shirt or sweatshirt with any of the following on it 1.) wolves 2.) moon 3.) wolves barking at moon 4.) horses galloping towards moon 5.) moons making love to moons (+1 for just not getting the whole moon/wolf/horses obsession)

11.) I don't wear flannel (+1). Except this one time....and it's an American Apparel photo shoot (-10,000)

12.) I worship David Byrne (-1 for loving the ultimate hipster)

13.) I don't drink beer. Or PBR. Or Sparks. Oh wait! Sparks tasted like candy, didn't it? Mmmm.... (+1 for priding myself on not having a muffin top)

14.) I don't wear Tom's (+1 for having jacked up feet and knees)

15.) I would totally carry around a Diana or Holga if I had one -(-1 for mistaking low fidelity as artistic talent)

16.) I once stayed at the Jupiter Hotel in Portland and didn't get it. Could have been because I was with my Mom who thought that the Ikea aesthetic and condom on the nightstand wasn't worth the $100/night. (+1 for never once looking at Elliott Smith's mural in the five years I lived in L.A.)

17.) I wear American Apparel (-1)

18.) I work part-time at American Apparel (-4,000,000)