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The Evolution of a Quasi-Hipster

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Hipstercrite: The Evolution of a Quasi-Hipster

Sunday, December 06, 2009

The Evolution of a Quasi-Hipster

DAMMIT!

I just read Paste Magazine's "The Evolution of the Hipster" and realized that I'm not really a hipster!

That means I'm going to have to change the name of this blog again.

Or maybe I am.

I don't know.

I came up with a scorecard. What do you think?

Am I hipster?

TELL ME WHO I AM!!!


Hipster Scorecard
1.) I wear non-prescription glasses, suspenders, and ties (bow included) (-1 for wearing glasses THAT I DON'T FUCKING NEED)


horn rimmed glasses + tie = dumb ass hipster

2.) However, I've been wearing non-prescription glasses, suspenders, and ties since I was six years old and didn't even know what a hipster was (+1 for being the coolest kid ever, even though I was called "dyke" on a daily basis in middle school)

3.) For having a car as my main mode of transportation (+1 for not being environmentally conscious)

4.) I'm always six months behind on what the hot new indie band is (+1 for still loving, and I mean loving, Fleetwood Mac)

5.) I don't wear pencil jeans, I'm not a size zero, and I typically smile (+1 for not being an emo kid disguised as a hipster)

6.) There is a picture or two of me wearing a fake mustache (-1 for having penis envy)


7.) I live in Austin, TX (-1 for living in the town where 1 in every 4 people wear a neon bicycle cap)

8.) At least I'm not in Williamsburg (+1 for being smart enough not to be broke in New York City)

9.) I don't walk/stand like I have polio in my legs (+1 for having good posture)

10.) I work for a company whose name is an exclaimed adjective followed by an exclaimed adverb in a warehouse on Austin's Eastside (-1 for trying to be so LES 1977)

10.) You will never catch me wearing a t-shirt or sweatshirt with any of the following on it 1.) wolves 2.) moon 3.) wolves barking at moon 4.) horses galloping towards moon 5.) moons making love to moons (+1 for just not getting the whole moon/wolf/horses obsession)

11.) I don't wear flannel (+1). Except this one time....and it's an American Apparel photo shoot (-10,000)


12.) I worship David Byrne (-1 for loving the ultimate hipster)

13.) I don't drink beer. Or PBR. Or Sparks. Oh wait! Sparks tasted like candy, didn't it? Mmmm.... (+1 for priding myself on not having a muffin top)

14.) I don't wear Tom's (+1 for having jacked up feet and knees)

15.) I would totally carry around a Diana or Holga if I had one -(-1 for mistaking low fidelity as artistic talent)

16.) I once stayed at the Jupiter Hotel in Portland and didn't get it. Could have been because I was with my Mom who thought that the Ikea aesthetic and condom on the nightstand wasn't worth the $100/night. (+1 for never once looking at Elliott Smith's mural in the five years I lived in L.A.)

17.) I wear American Apparel (-1)

18.) I work part-time at American Apparel (-4,000,000)


Labels:

21 Comments:

At 9:56 AM, Blogger Hannah Miet said...

This is great.

The results are...inconclusive.

You are inconclusively a hipster. Which might just make you more of a hipster.

I would love to have met you at 7 years old, ya dyke!

 
At 10:26 AM, Blogger Stephen K said...

Haha, surely a true hipster would just know that they were a hipster. No external articles or scorecard can let you know something so intangible. It's like being in love. Or incontinent.

 
At 11:00 AM, Blogger WILDasaMINK said...

I'm in the same boat you are....this had me laughing so much! I totally get the Fleetwood Mac thing, uh--they're awesome! Have you ever seen this stupid movie called "Gypsy 84?" it's horrible, or horribly GOOD!

 
At 11:56 AM, Blogger Grant said...

-1 point for having a bathing suit with a hood on it.

 
At 12:28 PM, Blogger Hipstercrite said...

Hannah- I was a very odd young girl. Instead of playing with Barbies, I'd pretend to be Rod Serling or Groucho Marx.

Stephen K- Usually hipsters are the ones that adamantly proclaim they are not hipsters. They are in denial.

Mink-NO! But I've wanted to see that movie for so long. So I should rent it?

Grant- I was thinking of including that pic, but I figured the whole "I wear American Apparel" thing covered that.

 
At 12:46 PM, Blogger D'Et said...

I laughed pretty hard at the Paste article, can't lie about that. I laughed even harder at yours. You really should re-score your moustache picture since, well, you're also wearing suspenders! Double points! Or double negative points? I don't know.

:)

 
At 2:17 PM, Blogger mysterg said...

Could it be that you're so hip that you're square?

Oh and there's something very hot about you with a moustache...I think I need therapy!

 
At 2:51 PM, Blogger That Chelsea Girl™ said...

I don't think there's an exact definition, that you're better off just being yourself :)
Haha, that was like the inspirational answer.
Buuuut kids that go around acting like they want to be hipsters are annoying, and you, dear, are not :)
So + 1 billion for that!

 
At 4:06 PM, Blogger nicopolitan said...

I believe the criteria for being a hipster is denial in the face of accusation.

Which means we are on thin ice.

 
At 4:50 PM, Blogger Mr. Condescending said...

I say you ARE a hipster!

 
At 4:50 PM, Blogger Mr. Condescending said...

I say you ARE a hipster!

 
At 4:51 PM, Blogger Mr. Condescending said...

You look entirely different in each picture!

 
At 8:53 AM, Blogger K said...

youre a hipster. i decided.

K

 
At 12:03 AM, Blogger kelsey. said...

the hipsters are trying to steal your identity.

 
At 7:14 AM, Blogger ash.lin. said...

haha i think hannah has a valid point there!

 
At 6:12 PM, Blogger Krysten Hartenstein said...

Oh my gosh, totally hysterical. Thanks for the laugh!

 
At 8:50 PM, Blogger Polly Syllabick said...

how come all the cool girls get called dyke in middle-school?

hipster status: unaffiliated

 
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