Top Eleven Kids in the Hall Skits

I used to pretend I was Buddy Cole. It seems fitting that I would pretend to be an extremely effeminate bar fly who loved wearing a velvet jackets and loafers with no socks at fifteen years old. 

When I wasn't Buddy, I was Kathy with "K". Or the Chicken Lady.

Sometimes I'd pretend to be Jocelyn the French-Canadian prostitute (I wanted to be as pretty as Dave Foley). Once I was Sir Simon Milligan AND Hecubus. Needless to say, as a teenager, I was obsessed with the Kids in the Hall. I forced all my friends to watch the show with me and reenact every episode. 

I'm sorry.

I've been lucky enough to see the guys live four times, including an intimate, four-night only gig in Hollywood last year. I've also met them a few times, but the only thing I can remember is when in 1998, my bumbling high school boyfriend said to Dave Foley, "That really sucks about Phil Hartman.". Dave stared at him, open-mouthed, then said, "Uh yeah, sure sucks that he was killed, huh?"

While I work on my epic post, "The Kids in the Hall vs. The State" here is a list of my favorite Kids in the Hall skits. What are yours?

1.) Sausages- ERASERHEAD much? Bruce is an expressionless young man working at a sausage factory. His life is consists of feeding his debilitated father, checking sausage weiners with a magnifying glass, and ignoring his mean boss. The only thing he has to look forward to? Daydreaming about the gigantic Eastern European looking woman who works on the assembly line. No image on KitH was more haunting than Scott as a drooling invalid, slamming his plate against the table, screaming in slow motion, "I want more sausages!"

2.) My Pen- This guy really wants his pen back, ok?

3.) The Beard- Kevin returns from vacation with a beard. The beard starts to go to his head, then seemingly gives him "super powers". When his wife jokingly tells him to shave the beard, he screams, "No! The beard stays! You go!" After taking off his shirt and ripping apart his chair at work, he feels suffocated by his new beard and flings himself off a balcony. When his wife comes to identify the body, the beard is gone! Rod Serling couldn't do any better.

4.) My Horrible Secret- another absurd black & white short by Bruce. This one is about a man and his toupee. It took me years to appreciate all the jerky struts, robotic hand movements, and weird lip licking of Mr. McCulloch. I had a conversation with him at Whole Foods in Los Angeles once.  He's pretty much like all his characters rolled into one. Why was I surprised?

5.) Bleeding Ear- a classic gag skit that involves profusive ear bleeding. "Wow! A talking cat!"

6.) Gavin and The Evangelists- Who doesn't love Gavin and his incredible observations about the world?  "I'll eat your Bible, but it will take me several days of munching and snacking."

7.) Chicken Lady Visits Her Old House- Chicken Lady takes a trip with the Bearded Lady to visit her childhood home. Or is it? I'm not sure if I should laugh or cry at this one.

8.) Daddy Drank- Daddy drank a lot. "Get a good night's rest, and remember, I can murder you while you sleep. It's easy, son. All you have to be is quiet and willing to do it. And son, I am willing to do it."

9.) Do-Re-Mi Song- an over-the-top dance sequence of the guys singing Do-Re-Mi in business suits. Sound stupid? It sure is. 

10.) Girl Drink Drunk- the Kids in the Hall were always good at absurd, sometimes depressing narrative skits. In this one, we watch a businessman spiral out of control amongst cocktail umbrellas and primary colored drinks.

11.) Weekend with Daddy- A depressed father, living in a dark room with a single light bulb swinging from the ceiling, has his kids for the weekend. Amongst the littered liquor bottles he teaches his children to say, "My mother is a whore", before driving to her house and beating her new boyfriend with a bat. Wow, this doesn't sound funny at all. Actually, this sounds like what happens every time I read the Los Angeles Times. Is it safe to say that the Kids had Daddy issues?