Resolutions Are For Crack Addicts and Lindsay Lohan

New Year's Eve has and always will depress the living shit out of me.

It's like, "Oh hey, guess what? You're getting old and getting one year closer to death . Here, blow on this sparkly thing. BLOW ON IT!"

No wonder everyone gets wasted on New Years Eve. Deep down everyone is trying to stifle that tiny voice of mortality that keeps nagging, "Drink it up while you still don't have to wear Depends."

I'm also a person who can never plan long term, so resolutions mean nothing to me.

NOTHING!

In fact, I can't finish a book, or a meal, or even a full pee. I excitedly jump off the toiled before I ever finish. This causes many a'problem on planes and porta-potties.

But I'm at a complete lost as to what to write about today, so I'm going to jump on the blogging band wagon and force myself to come up with some resolutions.

This is good for me.

I need this.

Badly.

1.) Is a secret....ssshhhh.....(if you can guess what it is, I'll mail you some Mrs. T's frozen perogies).

2.) Finish reading something other than liquor labels and Highlights Magazine.

3.) Write a book that is Less Than Zero/Rules of Attraction/American Psycho/Glamorama/Lunar Park rolled into one. Get hailed as a young prodigy and start the "Flat Pack" (due to my 12 year-old boy-like chest) in Austin, TX.

4.) Make my hair look like this (who am I kidding...the whole face)

5.) Get my Etsy page, Enidlala's Shops of Vintage and Curios, rollin'. Make an actual logo rather than taking a snapshot of some text on Microsoft Word that still has the cursor and spelling red squiggly mark on it.

6.) Create branding for Hipstercrite that doesn't include taking snapshots of text/images created in Microsoft Word.

7.) Ride this mo-fo'ing awesome hipster bike at least three times a week. Name him something ironic like, Capt. Bojangles McGee Esq.

8.) Actually listen to something other than the same five Michael Jackson songs over and over. However, continue to sporadically dance to said five Michael Jackson songs whenever I feel like it.

9.) Which reminds me, create a work-out video that consists of trying to figure out how to dance like Michael Jackson. Between the awkward Anglo jerking movements and crying, you'll lose weight in no time.

the nose wipe, only one of three Michael Jackson moves I can do. the other two being the dealing cards/jerking off hand gesture from "Beat It" and "Thriller" and the squat and crap like a zombie move from "Thriller"

10.) Drive to Marfa, TX, have an epiphany, take off all my clothes, run through the desert, write a book in a two day black out.

11.) Continue shopping/eating/drinking more than 50% locally. Fuck yeah Bookpeople! Fuck yeah Mr. Natural! (hopefully you don't have a 46% health standard rating this year), Fuck yeah Jo's! Fuck yeah I Luv Video!

12.) Figure out how to use my Diana camera. Take pictures that look like the opening montage to "Six Feet Under". Feel like a real artist.