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Hipstercrite: Discovering Your Sexuality Through Hairy Gay Men

Friday, April 09, 2010

Discovering Your Sexuality Through Hairy Gay Men

Remember that age when you started discovering your sexuality?

That awkward, dreadful time when you didn't understand why your male friends suddnely felt the urge to show you their penises while you were trying to reenact "X-files" episodes in the basement of your house, or why you got that funny feeling when you climbed the rope in gym?
When classmates started throwing around the words "pink", "taco", "tossing" and "salad" and you still thought they were talking about food, and your class president got detention for receiving something called a "blow job" on the 8th grade school trip to D.C.?

Then there you were. Clueless and wearing a sports bra. Fantisizing over a picture of a shirtless Elton John from 1972 hanging above your bed.

I wish I could say it was 1972 when I would gawk at this picture. That would make a little more sense.

I guess?

However, it was 1997. While all my friends carried pictures of Leonardo DiCaprio and Gavin Rossdale in their text books, I licked my lips over a twenty-five year old image of pudgy, gay piano-player.

We all know what Elton John looks like, but I'm going to paint you a portrait anyways. Here was a picture of quite possibly one of the most flamboyantly gay performers in history of the world with a pasty, doughy body covered in what looks like bear fur, standing in his shoe closet, wearing glittery high waisted pants with suspenders and no shirt. He had a shit-eating grinning on his face as he showed off his favorite pair of bejeweled platform shoes.

I was transfixed. At thirteen years old, I thought this was what a real heterosexual man was like.

I have mostly likely sealed my fate by marrying a closeted homosexual who enjoys collecting shoes and Bedazzling his clothing.

Anyways, I just tried Googling "shirtless Elton John" and "Elton John with no shirt", but I'm guessing that's not a popular search item. In fact, the only images that come up are pictures of people one should normally lust after like, Hugh Jackman and Zac Efron.

...Gosh, I really wish I had that picture right now...


At 9:04 AM, Blogger Johana Hill said...

I never liked Elton John. Still don't, as matter of fact. I was drooling over Tom Cruise back then. And right now I hate him...LOL

At 9:17 AM, Blogger Tocalabocina said...

My first crush, as I remember it, was Justin from The Secret of Nimh. I just googled "justin secret of nimh" and the first page that came up disturbed me a great deal. It looked innocent enough at first but I'm pretty sure its intended audience is rat cartoon fetishists.

Let me retract. Ahem, my first crush was on uncle Jesse from Full House.

At 9:23 AM, Blogger Angie said...

haha climbing the rope... what bizarre experience that people don't really talk about...

At 9:58 AM, Blogger the eternal worrier said...

I put Bennie and the jets onto my phone the other day. Makes me smile every time I listen to it.

At 10:04 AM, Blogger rachelfabiano and kortneycooper said...

uhm this is HIlarious. cant help who you like i guess? ha. by the way i totally AGree with your side quote. it is pretty effing hard to be a hipster. i mean all the stalking one has to do to keep up with alternative things and pretending we dont know what pop is.


At 10:16 AM, Blogger The Invisible Seductress said...

I just found your blog!!! Yea!!!!


At 10:21 AM, Blogger Sophie Neutron said...

I discovered my sexuality BECAUSE I always thought men were all too hairy, and at least a little gay...ever watched a contact sport?!?

At 10:52 AM, Blogger steff said...

that is some funny stuff! who knows what makes us lust after the people we did/do. lately i keep getting crushes on red-heads. being that i am also a (fake) red-head this probably confirms that i am highly narcissistic or something. which sucks. but red-hair does not.

At 10:53 AM, Blogger Melissa's Espresso Shot said...

I thought Elton John was awesome back in the day and I still do now. I, however, didn't fantasize about him. I do have a friend that used to fantasize about Freddie Mercury when she was in middle school though.

At 11:09 AM, Blogger zachary said...

Elton is a genius. You know it when you can connect to his songs at a tender age knowing nothing about "love"
He's like Hendrix in Rock and Roll and Kurt Cobain in Seattle.

At 11:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

...Freddie Mercury... mmm, drool-inducing, even with bad teeth and AID's...

At 11:43 AM, Blogger Hipstercrite said...

@Johana- Well Elton John never liked you! ;)
Haha. I definitely don't like Elton John NOW.

@Tocalabocina- I think Uncle Jesse titillated every young girl's never region. I was at a dinner with him once, right after his wife left him. He looked like Charles Manson. Not sexy.

@Angie- Ha. After I read your comment, I was like, "Maybe I shouldn't have written that..."

@The Eternal Worrier- Such a great song and GREAT album! GYBR still is one of the best.

@Rachel- Thanks for comment. I'm following now! :)

@Seductress- Thanks for finding me! Glad I found you too!

@Sophie- I kind of want to watch a contact sport right now....

@Steff- it! I always wish I could find a man like me... ;)

@Melissa- I think your friend and I would have been best friends.

@Zachary- Elton's earlier stuff ('70-'74) was near perfect. Can't beat it to this day.

At 11:52 AM, Blogger Angie said...

Nah I didn't mean it like that, I just meant it's weird how obviously it's a shared experience that is not often discussed. haha ok I'll shut up now.

At 2:20 PM, Blogger Stupid Ninja Cat said...

Elton Johns Gay ?
NooooooOOOOOO !!!!!!!!!
Next you'll be telling everyone Ricky Martins gay as well ....

At 3:12 PM, Blogger Shandi said...

OMG i love you...i totally got the funny feeling when I climbed up the side of the swing set at our neighborhood park or sat on the arm rest of my couch...AAAAND I had a crush on Phil Collins. we're like, the same. kinda.

At 5:51 PM, Blogger Heidi said...

Dearest L, please know .. you will run into many difficulties like this in your life. It's obvious you're an old soul honey... at least older than what you are ... and it's bloody lovely!!!! Yay us who can appreciate it!

discovering your sexuality through hairy gay men indeed... fuuuunnnny

At 7:59 PM, Blogger Barbara said...

Of all people, you picked Elton John?? really? haha j/k

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At 1:32 PM, Blogger Christina In Wonderland said...

If only you knew the dirty weird little crushy secrets I've got in my closet... thinking Elton John is sexy would be the least of your worries. :)

At 10:57 PM, Blogger Hannah Miet said...

I think one of my first big crushes
was on Norman Bates in psycho;

Lou Reed;

Jeff Mangum;

Every character on Freaks and Geeks

Who are those douchebags we're supposed to like again, love?

At 7:24 AM, Blogger skinnydip said...

I've never liked boy bands or people I'm SUPPOSED to like. While my friends were swooning over Kurt Cameron, I had a crush on Warren Beatty of all people. I was kind of obsessed with the movie "Dick Tracy". No one understood. Looking back, my 13 year old self kind of creeps me out!

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