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What I Learned While On Vacation with My Mother in New York

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Hipstercrite: What I Learned While On Vacation with My Mother in New York

Thursday, October 01, 2009

What I Learned While On Vacation with My Mother in New York

1. ) I erroneously figured that of all people on this wonderful and diverse planet, my 82 year-old Jewish Grandmother would share the same amount enthusiasm for the lamé fanny pack as I. Imagine my genuine surprise when she did not. In fact, when I showed her the image of the fanny pack online, and with high inflection said, "You want one of those?", she wrinkled up her nose and gave me a look that said, "Do I look like a huge asshole?". A wave of heartbreak overcame me. Of all people! The woman who wears heels to the gym!
I momentarily had forgotten that she was the sovereign of fashion in the family and she immediately washed away my forlorn with the offer of her laced trimmed black leggings (In this photo, she is wearing my nonprescription American Apparel glasses. She is being ironic).


2.) Pilots that misjudge how much fuel the airplane has and then break the door to the craft, are asked not to fly your plane any longer. In fact, the airline will ask an off-duty pilot sitting in seat 1A to fly the plane instead.

3.) No amount of alcohol drunk from tiny bottles will make you feel better about #2.
Or #1 for that matter.

4.) Since leaving my home state of New York, it appears that a bunch of *Superstars!* have taken over the place. They get their own parking spots too. They also carry around books that say, "To Serve Man" (a single piece of Slim Jim mailed to the person who can guess that reference).


5.) Apparently people stopped wearing shirts in my hometown too. So Central NY is filled with *Shirtless Superstars!* (imagine that being said very enthusiastically by someone like Nathan Lane. Or Andy Dick.)


6.) Sometimes people that you graduated high school with still live in your hometown. Sometimes they work dead-end jobs. Sometimes they look like they've aged twenty years. Sometimes the highlight of their week is going to the local bar.
Sometimes you really envy them for all these things.

7.) Sometimes you sound like a elitist snob.

8.) I've seen heaven. And it looks like a giant cheese factory off the Pacific Coast. But hanging out with this dog is a close second. Her name is Lucy and I once caught her spooning me. I'm not kidding. I woke up next to her lovingly gazing into my eyes with a single paw outstretched across my stomach.
I also didn't recall the events of the previous evening.
While glancing towards the nightstand, I noticed a small smudge of residue on the rim of my water glass...

21 Comments:

At 10:18 PM, Blogger Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

To Serve Man, I was going to say was from the Simpsons. Now I'm not so sure. Because I think it's actually How to Serve Man. And it might even be How to Cook and Serve Man. I think I'm getting confused.

 
At 10:21 PM, Blogger Hipstercrite said...

HAHAHA! Hemingway, you are halfway there! That Simpsons episode also referred to it....
You're close....

 
At 11:00 PM, Blogger Michelle said...

IF I'm not mistaken (which I might be, as I didn't Google to check since I'm a good commenter) To Serve Man is a short story by Ray Bradbury about aliens that come & help out everyone on earth and then they leave a book behind titled "To Serve Man". That was a cookbook. WAIT. No, it was a Twilight Zone episode wasn't it? I think that's it.

I'm a vegetarian so I'll pass on the Slim Jim though. The dog is adorable!

 
At 11:31 PM, Blogger Nomad said...

go grandma!

 
At 8:34 AM, Blogger Hipstercrite said...

michelle, do they make vegetarian slim jims? do you know?

 
At 11:16 AM, Blogger Hannah said...

7.) Sometimes you sound like a elitist snob.

Oh man. I have never been to central New York, but whenever I return to the suburbs(where I went to high school), I feel the same way. I see the cheerleader who once tripped me in the hallway working at a deli counter, 20 lbs overweight, talking about getting "crunk" at a townie bar. I end up feeling too sad to do a victory dance. But I kind of am an elitest snob. So, whatever.

I love your lists. And your grandma rockin' the ironic shades.

 
At 11:18 AM, Blogger Hannah Miet said...

That was me, by the way.

Apparently, I have another account. Because "Hannah" without the "Miet" means I'm incognito.

 
At 11:28 AM, Blogger Esmerelda said...

Is it possible to be an elitist snob but still live in your hometown? If so, that's me.

 
At 11:48 AM, Blogger nicopolitan said...

I feel like we need that NBC star to sparkle across the screen reading "The More You Know".

Wait: http://thegurglingcod.typepad.com/thegurglingcod/images/2008/02/12/the_more_you_know2.jpg

Lastly, your grandma owns.

 
At 2:03 PM, Blogger mysterg said...

1.) "Do I look like a huge asshole?" = Genius!

6.) Amen sister!

7.) Ditto!

8.) The dog was the big spoon? When is the litter due?!

 
At 7:19 PM, Blogger Polly Syllabick said...

Oh GOD, I am SO happy you are posting again. That was a long stretch.

PS: WTF happened with the pilot?

 
At 8:59 AM, Blogger Eric Shonkwiler said...

Finally got around to reading your blog. I second Nico.

 
At 5:33 PM, Blogger Stephanie said...

Grandma is cute

 
At 10:42 AM, Blogger Chelsea Talks Smack said...

oh my gosh- I love you. lol. This blog made me laugh #2 and #3 totalllly

 
At 12:39 PM, Blogger Hipstercrite said...

thanks everyone. if my grandma understood what a blog was, she'd thank you too.

 
At 5:41 AM, Blogger Angie said...

Wait hold the phone... fanny packs are back in style? I'm totally IN!

 
At 9:54 AM, Blogger That Chelsea Girl™ said...

Oh, the Twilight Zone!
Glad it looks like you had a good time.

 
At 10:32 AM, Blogger That Chelsea Girl™ said...

I actually just edited my entry a bit, because I had called it rather drabby...but I think I'll put that back in now :) thanks for the reassurance!

 
At 5:53 PM, Blogger Knucklehead said...

Loved number six! Very clever blog, just discovered you through the maniacal Mr. Condescending. Great stuff!

 
At 10:38 AM, Blogger Organic Meatbag said...

Hmmmmm, I have decided that you are a cool cat and I am now following you...in fact, I just followed you into your kitchen...are you going to eat that sandwich?

 
At 9:57 PM, Blogger Erin Michelle said...

oh my goodness i just got distracted on your blog for an over an hour and way past my bed time! i am going to hypothetically charge you for all the coffee i will need tomorrow!
anyways very much like the bloggy, i'm in austin too for precisely one year... i was going to "tag" you with this "tag" i received but its definitely not very cool so i'm not going to anymore... but anyways just saying HI! :) and here's the tag if you want it! http://adventure986.blogspot.com/

 

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