Austin- Day 29 ("My favorite Italian Restaurant is in Japan and I've been to Italy, so I should know Italian food...")

...Said to me by a ten year-old boy today at work.
The statement came from a conversation started about favorite breakfast places in town. I saw the man-child giving advice via cell phone to someone named "Laurent" on where the best place in town to get pancakes is. I hadn't gaged his level of intelligence appropriately yet, so seeing a small boy in front of me, I asked him in high inflection, "You like pancakes?"

The boy stared at me dead pan and said, "I'm into gourmet cooking."

That was the point I got a good look at the little monster. He had a Ralph Lauren button down on with the collar turned up. His hair was in that categorizable Hampton Douche-do. He started to go on about how his favorite food is Italian, but his favorite Italian restaurant is in Japan, not Italy. He then made some sort of quip about how they shipped little old grandmothers from Italy and put them in the back kitchen of his favorite Italian restaurant in Japan. I tried to retort with, "Oh, I can just picture them all in mourning with crosses mumbling over the stove." to which he replied snarkily, "No, this was in the evening."

Luckily, the doctor behind Yuppie Frankenstein came to collect and pushed him out the door as he mumbled on about plastic bags taking 10,000 years to decompose. A customer came up and we laughed at the Chuck Bass-in-training.

As she walked away, I looked out the window and thought, "I want one of those creatures someday..."

A few days prior, I was at the grocery store, combing coupons and mouthing along the words of "Say Goodbye to Hollywood" by Billy Joel. The song was interjected by a man on the PA with a heavy Texas drawl, "Jimmy P. Matthews, yo momma is waiting for ya at the front. Jimmy P. Matthews, yo momma is waiting for ya." I couldn't stop laughing. I pictured a wall-eyed child in overalls and flannel running like a squirrel through the frozen aisle. I'm sure this sight was just as funny as a girl with four inch roots standing in the back of the store, squinting at a wall of coupons, laughing wildly at apparently nothing.

I wonder what would happen if Gordon Gekko Jr. above and Jimmy P. Matthews met. I wonder what their conversation would go like?

Gordon Gekko Jr.: You know, my shirt is made from the finest wool in the mountains of New Zealand.

Jimmy P. Matthews: (grunt sound)

Gordon Gekko Jr.: Jimmy, what are your clothes made out of?"

Jimmy P. Matthews: (grunt sound)

Gordon Gekko Jr.: Do you know it will take a hundred years for your flannel shirt to decompose, Jimmy?"

Jimmy P. Matthews: No, I didn't, you pretentious piece of shit. Now, why don't you and your Brooks Brothers wearing ass crawl back into your mother's four-star uterus?

Austin -Day 20 (Cheap Gas and "Oh My God! What the F*** Am I Doing?"

Whoa! Did that just say $2.74? I think it did!

I pull my car over and pull out my wallet.

Ok, I have $22 dollars to carry me for the next two weeks. Hm. If you put $12 in the tank, that might take you 'til the end of the week, then you will have $10 leftover for an emergency and a couple of coffee's at Jo's.

As I pump my Versa with $12 worth of unleaded gas, I ponder, then grapple with, then finally realize that I actually have only $22 to carry me for the next two weeks. I start laughing out loud, then stop my left hand from throwing the gas nozzle on the ground.

What the fuck did you do?! How could you leave yourself with $22 for two weeks!?

Picking up and moving with little money to begin with is not a good idea. However, when I've made up my mind to do something, I gotta do it. So here I find myself in Austin, moneyless, searching for something. I guess I must like to challenge myself! What's more fun that putting yourself in place you've never been before with $22 in your pocket!? Huh? HUH??

And this is when the question, "Lauren, are you maybe slightly stupid?" comes up. I call my mother. "Ma? Do you think maybe my IQ is a lot lower than we think, cause I don't know how I ended up putting myself in this situation?"

"What situation?" She asks.

I tell her the story of how broke I am and she sighs.

"Yes, I think I may have raised a dumb child." She says.

Nah, she didn't say that. But she might as well have. Instead I hear the long pause of disappointed parent silence, then, "Well, what are you going to do?"

"What am I going to do?" has been the question of the year.

Taking time to clear your head, working on writing, and general shifting down a gear does not bode well with your finances. Especially when you have a car, school loans, and some credit card bills you wracked up when you first moved to L.A. and were lonely and decided eating out just to be around people was a better idea then sitting home alone, drinking.

Oh, I've worked. It's not like I stopped working. I just decided to leave my career where I made a decent income and opted to struggle working by the hour.

I try to keep reminding myself that this will be good for my creativity, that this will teach a lesson. I will learn to live outside of my comfort zone, teach myself how to budget, and be able to write about actual struggle. I'm writing about it now. See? And you know what? IT FUCKING SUCKS!

Nick & Norah's Less Than Infinite Movie

(*Note- my brain is OFF this weekend, so please excuse the crappily written review)

I sat in the Alamo Drafthouse on South Lamar anxiously waiting for NICK & NORAH'S INFINITE PLAYLIST to start. I was not a fan of the book but the combo of Michael Cera, New York City, and indie music seemed like a winning movie to me. After discovering earlier that day that I was flat broke, I was in much need of good company and good entertainment.

Before I begin, Alamo Drafthouse is the THE GREATEST PLACE ON THE PLANET. This movie theater reminded me why I love movies in the first place. If you're not familiar with the small chain, Alamo Drafthouse shows new movies and old. A couple of times a week, the theaters will have either a movie premiere, film festival, sing-a-long, dance-a-long, quote-a-long, or any other cult-like adventure. Wanna see a screening of THERE WILL BE BLOOD on location? Alamo Drafthouse has you covered! Or dress up as your favorite character from Team Zissou? Currently there is an air sex competition going on and the chain is sponsoring the largest THRILLER dance EVER performed in Downtown Austin. The theaters also serve food and alcohol. (Note to Los Angeles, the entertainment capital of the country- why don't you have cool things like Alamo Drafthouse, huh?)

To bide the time, the theater shows random, poorly synced music clips from the 50's and 60's. The lights go down and the go go dancers stop dancing. Pedro from NAPOLEON DYNAMITE comes on the screen and tells us to turn off our cell phones. The the movie starts. We meet the depressed Nick (Cera), sludging around his bedroom. He is heartbroken over his ex-girlfriend Tris (played by a girl oddly reminiscent of Topanga from "Boy Meets World"). He and his two thirds gay band, The Jerkoffs, have a show in the city tonight. Nick drives his yellow, beat up Yugo into town. At the show are Tris, her new boyfriend, and her classmates touch cookie Norah (Dennings) and drunk cookie Caroline (who might be the best part of the movie). Tris teases Norah about not having a boyfriend which causes Norah to grab the first boy she sees and kiss him. Yep, guess who that is! This puts the ball in motion for a hilarious, unforgettable evening, right?

Not so much. This movie has all the components, but something seemed missing. The magic was gone. The actors were believable and endearing, but the story was less than memorable. This movie didn't make me pine for New York and up until about twenty minutes from the end, didn't make me nostalgic for all-night adventures in a big city. Unlike other movies that come to mind, such as ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING or AFTER HOURS, nothing exciting happens to our heroes. They forge through the city, landing UNBELIEVABLY good parking spots wherever they go, and bitch at one another. That's about it. The best storyline was that of the gum in drunken Caroline's mouth which makes it way from her, to a puke filled toilet at Port Authority, back to her mouth, to Norah's mouth, then to Nick's mouth. Jay Baruchel's cameo as Norah's boyfriend was worthless and not funny (he plays a Jersey boy in a Jewish rap band). The ending was sweet because, well, you can guess what happens, but I left the theater feeling less than satisfied. I don't fault the director or actors for I feel like that didn't have a lot to work with in terms of storyline. Maybe I'm too critical, but comparing another quirky, indie teen comedy from last year, this movie can't hold a gallon Sunny D to it.


-ALAMO DRAFTHOUSE gets an A
-NICK & NORAH'S INFINITE PLAYLIST gets a B-