I Like Lists! Except When They Suck Ass.

I peruse the Internet a lot and because of this I'm only able to enjoy rudimentary things like lists. 
I especially like self-help/how-to lists, the sort that give you tips on how to become a better blogger or lover or lover to your blogger (we need a lot of attention).
If there is anything that I've learned from self-help/how-to lists it's that the people who write them are not really qualified to tell you how to improve your life. Most of the time their advice is simple and ideas rehashed from other articles written by people who are also not qualified to tell you how to improve your life.
I spend most of my time trying to unlearn everything I've read from lists I enjoy reading on the Internet daily.

I constantly fall victim to thinking that these lists will hold some magic key words that will suddenly make me fearless, entrepreneurial, balanced and wealthy. I mean, don't we all? Don't lie. You know you love the lists. YOU LOOOOOVE THE LISTS!!! I figure I drift through life, utilizing only 25% of my brain's capacity just waiting for a list to open the doors of enlightenment. WRONG! Instead I start believing that twenty-something journalism interns know more than I do about the world and I become ill-informed about everything.

I've come across a lot of list misnomers that I would like to criticize on my blog right now:

1.) If You Don't Like Your Job Then Quit!
Duh! It's as simple as that! Didn't you know? My favorite lists to come across typically start with the sentence, "Tips to Quit your Day Job and Finally Make it On Your Own" or some bullshit like that.
I like this link at the Grindstone, titled, "Lies We Tell Ourselves to Stay In Jobs We Hate", where it states that when worried about money when quitting your job that you hate, that "(needing money) is a fact of life that is completely unavoidable. However, it doesn't mean you should sit on a job you hate just to get a paycheck. The world is full of different industries and career paths- and guess what? They all pay." Haha. They all pay. BUT DO THEY ALL FUCKING HIRE?! I love that this author thinks it's as simple as quitting your job and finding a new one that you're going to love so much more than the other. What if you hate that one to? And the one after? I also dig this link at Brazen Careerist titled "How Long Should You Really Stick With a Job You Hate?" that says, "a break (from your job) can actually help your career- especially if you use your time off to acquire new skills, recharge your batteries, gain perspective, volunteer or travel- all on your trust fund, er, I mean, all with Mommy and Daddy's money, oh wait, I mean, 'cause obviously most twenty-somethings can quit their job and gallivant the world because, duh, they don't have college loans and credit cards to pay!

2.) To Become a Better Blogger Go For a Walk
Now I'm pot calling the kettle black here because I believe that in one of my post's regarding how to become a better blogger, I state that taking a walk helps. Well, let me tell you something, it's bullshit. Walking around does not help you get that creative burst you're waiting for. Like what could possibly happen when you walk outside for five minutes? A squirrel takes a dump on your head and the runs over to tell it's buddies? You should be so lucky. The only good that stepping away from the computer does is prevent you from having a fat ass. This post over at Copyblogger titled "Get Off Your Computer and Become a Better Blogger" definitely has a point that sitting at your computer for hours upon hours kills any inspirational mojo, but they all make it sound so simple. Like that going outside and interacting with people will suddenly make for awesome content. But what if your life is boring? What if the people you meet are boring? What if reading these god forsaken self-help/how-to lists all the time has made you into a hermit who no longer knows how to talk to or relate to other human beings?! Is there a self-help/how-to list for reading self-help/how-to lists?! Huh? HUH?!

3.) To Get More Followers Write Great Content
This rule is typically #1 on "How to Get More Blog Followers" lists. LIKE WE DON'T KNOW THAT ALREADY! I was planning on writing absolute shit on my blog. This eHow beautifully states that I should "pick a topic that I already know a lot about" to discuss on my blog. Really? I was thinking of writing about Aerospace Farming Bioscience Technology. I'm pretty sure that is not even a thing, but just a bunch of words I strung together, but I think I'm going to write about it anyways! So I guess writing great content will automatically get me zillions and zillions of followers? Really, cause I'm pretty sure having a fashion blog where you write absolutely nothing and post pictures of yourself and things that you like is what gets you lots of followers. ZING! Where did that come from, Lauren?