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All About Vaginas. Or Vaginae. Or Whatever the Plural of Vagina is Called.

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Thursday, July 14, 2011

All About Vaginas. Or Vaginae. Or Whatever the Plural of Vagina is Called.

The day before I came across this thing:

I have never seen or heard of a plastic cup you stick in your va-jay-jay when you have your period. This new found fact blew my mind. I stood there scrutinizing the box over and over while my boyfriend completed both shopping and check-out and patiently waited for me by the front of the store. I sniffed out the container like a dog checking out another dog's butt. Moon Cups come in two sizes- size A for pre-birth vaginas and size B for post-birth vaginas. Reading the difference between the two size cups instantaneously made my ovaries put up the "Sorry, We're Closed" sign and shut the blinds.

Below the plastic "Moon Cup" on the grocery store shelf, neatly colored cloth maxi pads laid in a row. Some were polka dot and some had prints that looked like a Holiday Inn comforter or a Dad shirt from the 80's. These also piqued my interest, though seemed less dangerous than the gigantic grail that one sticks in their cootch.

How had I never seen these womanly devices before? Though they actually make a little more sense than sticking a fiber glass-like tiny pillow in your vag, or replacing what looks like a shiny adult diaper in your underwear daily, I'm still not so sure I'll switch over to these new, "eco-friendly" products. Or maybe I will just so I can write a blog post about it and lose all of my male followers.

Spotting these contraptions made me think about what other vagina-centric products are out there in the world. Come to find out, there are a lot, especially on Etsy, where people seem to really love the female parts.

One of my favorite finds is the uterus pillow made by user VulvaLoveLovely. Cause everyone love giagntic vaginas, right? When you are feeling sad about that boyfriend who just dumped you, put down that bottle of red wine and razor blade, and empower yourself with a fallopian cuddle buddy.

Though I can appreciate the beauty of the vag just as much as the next person, something about this wedding dress made me throw up in my mouth a little. THAT HAS TO BE THE BIGGEST VAGINA I'VE EVER SEEN! AND ON A WEDDING DRESS NO LESS! Is this supposed to be a warning to the groom that this is what he is in for? That he may accidentally fall into his bride's cavernous vagina?

And along the same lines, this army jacket that look like someone ran up to the girl wearing it, sliced open her back with a knife, only to discover one gigantic poon hiding in there. Something about that back vag looks scary and hungry.

Why not honor the much loved camel toe in the form of a cookie? BECAUSE I WANT TO BE REMINDED OF MY CAMEL TOE WHEN I'M EATING!

May I present, The "Foetus Seat". One blimp-sized bed womb for the adult who never wants to grow up, who was forced to experience a sad "expulsion from paradise".

And last but not least, my favorite, Super Hero U! A very adorable, Clockwork Orange-esque plushie uterus. Hey, Evil-Doers, those are no Stretch Armstrong arms there, they're Fallopian Tubes, and they shoot ovaries faster than a machine gun.

For related reading, "I'm a Beaver Beacon. A Large One" over at one of my favorite blogs Humans Are Funny.


At 7:24 AM, Blogger AVY said...

Haha, this is so wonderful, makes me gain back a little of my lost faith in humanity.

/ Avy

At 7:35 AM, Blogger Idée Géniale said...

Wow,so many vag shots in one post. This reminds me of the magic cone, a disposable contraption used to pee standing up. My friend introduced me to them a little while ago. not sure how effective they are and why some gals can't just pop a squat... but they exist nonetheless so i'm assuming some gals have tried it.

At 8:38 AM, Blogger kimmie coco puff said...

That "vagina jacket" has got to be the best thing I've seen in years. Not only is it empowering, but it also speaks volumes about "hungry vaginas"...NOM NOM NOM NOM!

At 8:47 AM, OpenID smedette said...

Um, that wedding dress - WHAT THE SHIT?

Do you listen to the "Stuff Mom Never Told You" podcast? They've talked about those menstrual cups before. Seems like a great idea until you have to take it out, then I can only imagine the mess.

At 8:48 AM, Anonymous MG said...

Holy shitballs! This is extreme for sheezy. First of all, remember instead? That cup thing? It came out when I first started bleeding so I was like "no way, jose". On behalf of my pre-pregnancy vagina, I'll pass on the eco friendly cup.

Um...the vaginas everywhere is disturbing to say the least. Have you seen the cupcakes decorated with vaginas? I'll try to track down the link...but it is BEYOND sick.

At 9:28 AM, Blogger Penny Lane said...

I never knew vaginas came on so many things.

At 10:19 AM, Blogger Brooke Farmer said...

I just read Laurenne's post this morning and was thinking about it the entire time I was reading this one.

Now all those vagina googlers will be stuck trying to decide where to go...

At 11:09 AM, Anonymous Nayo said...

I totally have a Moon Cup like device, the Diva Cup, and I have to say that I LOVE IT. I love it and I will never go back.

It's a little weird the first time you shove it up there and have to make sure it's in place... but 12 hours of guaranteed freedom compared to 8 if you're lucky? I'll take that any day. Let's delve right into the TMI, but you can slap it in the morning and never have to carry another product around again because you probably won't need to empty it until you are ready for bed.

Seriously, I highly recommend it.

...assuming you and your vag are comfortable with each other.

At 11:29 AM, Blogger YoungUrbanAmateur said...

This is probably the most Freudian post you've ever written. I don't believe in that psychoanalytic bullshit. Now, if you don't mind, I'm gonna go clench a fist and poke it with a pen for a few minutes.

At 11:57 AM, Blogger One Blonde Girl said...

The vagina products? Frightening. The "Moon Cup"? My friend has been using the "Diva Cup" for years and sings its praises all the frickin' time. I ended up preggars before I actually got brave enough to try it. And now I'm terrified that after pushing a small watermelon out of my birth canal, I will be unable to hold the thing in. Thanks.

At 2:17 PM, Blogger Mademoiselle Hautemess said...

Brilliant post! I immediately had to forward that wedding dress to all my girlfriends! "Saw this and thought of you!" works like a charm. :)

At 4:34 PM, Blogger Julia Yvette said...

I've seen those "collection cups" in the feminine aisle forever and they have always weirded me out. A significant enough group must still be buying them for them to still be stocked on store shelves. I'm just not sure who these women are.


At 6:41 AM, Blogger That Chelsea Girl™ said...

I just laughed out loud in my environmental science class. Thanks :)

At 7:48 AM, Blogger ClevelandPoet said...

those cups have damaged my psyche.

like forever.

At 10:41 AM, Anonymous laurenne said...

Sisters in VAGina!!

I have just come to really appreciate my vagina this year, so I think I will give this cup a mighty try. My vagina deserves to try something that is not a fiberglass pillow.
But you are correct... if we talk any more about vaginas, men will be too scared to come here anymore. That shit is scary!

At 2:14 PM, Anonymous Accidental Euphoria said...

My vagina cringed a little bit at your description of the cups and the pre and post pregnancy vaginas. Yikes! My mom did the cup thing for a while and swore by them, it just seems complicated and messy to me.

At 5:56 AM, Blogger Dale Wilsey Jr. said...

Dear lord...well, I had no idea the vagina was so very versatile in fashion and art.

At 5:01 PM, OpenID said...

ha ha!!!! this post made me laugh until i almost peed myself! i love it. i will let you know, that in my experience the Diva Cup sounds repulsive (as does the moon cup or whatever the shit it is) but it is amazing. judge me not... i had the same first impression of it initially, but i too in support of the cups for the 'gine. it's not as gross as it sounds, i promise. and, even if you think it is, keep posting amazingly awesome vagina posts. please.

At 5:39 PM, Blogger Guise Faux said...

Didja notice how that uterus pillow looks like the Baphomet?

Just sayin'.

At 3:13 PM, Blogger jessie said...

Let me add my voice to the chorus: menstrual cups are the best. Seriously. I started using the Diva Cup about 8 years ago and I will never ever go back. Sorry to be so evangelical about it, but they work SO much better than tampons!


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