Foot Patrol! (Or Having Your Feet Licked on a Saturday Night)

-Foot Patrol is a band from Austin.

-Foot Patrol consists of seven full-time funkalicious musicians.

-Foot Patrol sings about feet.

-Foot Patrol is quite possibly the best band that ever existed.

Last Saturday eve, Mandy, Adley, and I attended Foot Patrol's 80's Dance Party at the east Austin railroad saloon The Scoot Inn. We walked through the 138 year-old watering hole and into the backyard, where eager fans waited for the shenanigans to start. Everyone was dressed to the nines in 80's garb. I was attempting a Deborah Harry look that did not work out well because I look nothing like Deborah Harry and I will NEVER look anything like Deborah Harry even though I SO DESPERATELY wish I looked like Deborah Harry.

I love Deborah Harry.

Though the band has a large repertoire of their own music (all about feet, of course!), this party was about honoring the best of the decade that brought you Pee-Wee's Big Adventure, "Less Than Zero", hypocolor shirts, and me . The band killed every song they covered- "Part-time Lover" by Stevie Wonder, "Close to Me" by the Cure, "Genius of Love" by the Tom Tom Club,"Maneater" by Hall & Oates (wait, did they play this song?) They jammed for over two hours and by the last two songs, "Billie Jean" and "Kiss", the crowd was in pure ecstasy. Everyone seemed to forget that it was 96 degrees with a humidity index of 900% at 11:30 at night (I only realized this when I couldn't pull my pants back up in the bathroom).

Foot Patrol is just as much a showcase of wonderful musical talent as it is a visual and audio spectacle. Though I'm sure lead singer and keyboardist TJ gets the most attention for being the second funkiest blind keyboardist in the world (sorry, TJ, Stevie comes first...however you're probably the first funkiest blind keyboardist in the world with a very public foot fetish), it would be unjust to not point out the individual talent of the rest of the band. The tight and bumpin' rhythm section consists of Hung Hnuyen on the bass, Jeff Hoskins on the drums, and Austin Schell on the guitar. These guys would make the Talking Heads proud.

And talk about channeling some Earth, Wind, and Fire! No band is complete without a vibrant horn section. Rick Redman on trumpet, Nick Smith on trombone (I swear to God this guy is Kevin McDonald from "Kids in the Hall"!), and Kerim Peirce* on tenor saxophone (my axe of choice in high school) add that little extra something that most bands lack nowadays. The two lovely backup singers threw in some flair as well and I have no idea what the hell their names are. I'm sorry.

After the show, Mandy approached TJ to congratulate him on an excellent show. TJ is known for giving foot rubs after his performances. Adley and I watched the exchange from a distance.

Lauren: "I'll bet you five bucks that within in two minutes, TJ will coax her into a foot rub."

Adley: "She's already got her shoes off."

Lauren: "Dammit."

We headed over and within seconds, I was taking my shoes off as well. I don't know what came over me! I sat down next to Mandy and plopped my feet into TJ's lap. We squealed and giggled as TJ rubbed, sucked, and licked the bottoms of our feet. Adley walked away, shaking his head, having lost his entire entourage to the charms of TJ.

Let me tell you something, having your toes sucked on at a dance party can be quite problematic. It's not embarrassing. No. It's just difficult not to drool all over yourself. I had to frequently look up at the crowd to remind myself that I was indeed in a very public space getting my toes sucked on to avoid doing or saying anything awkward.

Mandy finally left, but there I sat for an additional 25 minutes until TJ's band member walked by and said, "You know, you can tell him to stop at any time". I took that as a cue to let the man share the love. However, before I could leave, Mandy came running back with two additional ladies to form a "forgy".

After another twenty minutes of foot rubbin' euphoria, we begrudgingly pried ourselves from the scene, thanked the band for a wonderful evening, and trekked to Taco Cabana where we promptly ate a bunch of sour cream in taco cups.

For those of you in New York City, the band will be in town next week. I HIGHLY recommend checking them out. I have no doubt that they won't become huge stars!

Aug. 1st Room 710 in Austin @ 10PM

Aug. 5th Goodbye Blue Monday 1087 Broadway Brooklyn@ 9PM FREE

Aug. 7th Union Pool 484 Union Ave, Brooklyn @ 10PM $8

Aug. 8th Highline Ballroom 431 W 16th St. Chelsea District, NY @ 8PM $10

*Kerim, you're a cutie!