Televangelism Fashion

In honor of the shitty week that Harold Camping must be having, I thought I'd revisit a post I wrote about the awesome fashion sense of evangelists....

Sometimes I think about turning my blog into a fashion blog.

Fashion blogs always seem to be the belle of the ball.

The hit of the party.

The slut of the kegger.

They always get the most traffic and the most comments.

Which is interesting, because they're usually written by a doe-eyed thirteen year-old girl from Winnipeg who likes to stand pigeon-toed and wear her Grandma's reading glasses.

Anytime I do write about fashion, it's one of three things- vintage clothing, making fun of American Apparel, and making fun of American Apparel while forgetting that I'm wearing an entire American Apparel ensemble.

However, I thought today that I might write a fashion post for a dude named Oral.

Yes, Oral.

Oral died recently and I had no idea who the heck he was. In fact, I'm super hung-up on the fact that a couple decided to name their kid Oral and haven't read anything past that.

According to CNN, he was an extremely old Evangelist.

This is very fitting because I've always had a thing for popular, eccentric televangelists.

Not a "Mmm...I want to jump their God-fearing bones" kind of thing, but a, "Wow! Look at them sweat through that polyester suit!" kind of thing.

So in honor of a man who's name goes well with the words "hygiene" and "herpes", I'm declaring today, "Dress like an Televangelist Day".

No, wait!

Let's make it tomorrow.

Because you're probably already at work and I'm guessing you didn't wear your horn-rimmed glasses and rayon slacks today (if you did, send me a picture. I probably love you).

How do you dress like a televangelist you ask? It's simple!

1.) Every televangelist must have a pair of glasses that I only can describe as "Those ridiculous things on George Bush Sr.'s face" You can pick up a copy here, at (surprise!) American Apparel. If these are too ugly for you, and they are, then opt for the David Byrne "evangelist" glasses that he famously wore in the "Once in a Lifetime" music video.

2.) Want to physically get closer to God? Well, take Jan Crouch's sweet 'do for example! The best I could come up with is "The Disco II Clown" wig. However, you would have to wear five of these wigs on top of each other to compete with this lady.

3.) No weave is complete without some old-fashioned hair pomade!

4.) An entire bottle of mascara on your face every morning? You betcha! Make sure to get the super crumbly kind. The kind that easily creates rivers of black tears when God whispers sweet nothings into your ear.

5.) Make sure you raid your parents closet before you head to the thrift store for these wonderful polyester suits. Your parents probably don't want you to know, but they once wore things that would set the house on fire instantaneously.