Passive-Aggressive Note to Blogger

Dearest Blogger,

What the dealio, yo? That was a long ass time that your platform was down. Two days of not being able to blog feels like four days of not being able to Tweet and six days of not being able to look at Facebook.

You know, to people like me who obsessively refresh their page every 5 minutes to see if someone posted a new comment, the past two days have been sheer torture. At first I thought you shut down my blog because I talked about my pubes recently. Then I thought, "Maybe I posted a picture of a bunch of penises and totally forgot about it and someone called me in?" Every time I would type in my URL some weird Klingon-looking shit would come up on the screen. Luckily, trusty ol' Twitter told me that I was not the only one facing this problem. In fact, come to find out, you f'ed up EVERYONE's blogging day yesterday and today. Look! Now I'm forced to write this half-ass post because I couldn't write on you last night or this morning.

And now I think you spread your disease over to Twitter because she's acting all like, "I'm going to do whatever the f I want, people!" She's pretending like we're not Tweeting at her and she keeps whining, "I'm tired. I have a headache. I'm over capacity right now." Listen, you can behave however you want to, but don't you be spreading your evil seed to others!

Maybe now is a good time to tell you that I'm starting to see someone else anyways. Yeah, Wordpress has been giving me the vibes and, well, I think our time together has come to an end. We've had a lot of great moments but I need someone more mature. Someone a little more polished. Don't tell me that Wordpress is just all smoke and mirrors! Wordpress loves me! Wordpress wouldn't lock me out of my blog for two days! Wordpress makes me pepperoni rolls and tells me that I look like Deborah Harry when I ask it to and buys me iPads. Lots and lots of them! In fact, I have a room entirely filled with iPads because of Wordpress' love for me.

Blogger, I don't mean any ill will. You're still the number one blogging platform so what do you care what I think anyways? You have a million adoring fans. Or maybe used to. I'm not sure. You kind of PO'd a bunch of people this week. It will be OK though. Just try not to let it happen again, you hear? Or at least don't lose all my posts before I make the switch to Wordpress or I'll go all Hobo with a Shotgun/Straw Dogs/Falling Down on your ass. Take your pick.

Wishing you the best,
Lauren