The Time I Almost Got Punched by a Woman Wearing A Shirt That Said "I Have Issues"

 I had completely forgotten about the above statement until today, when I was online chatting with my friend Ian. Ian and I were on a reality show together and one of the characters on that show was the producer Robert Evans. If you've never seen it, check out the doc THE KID STAYS IN THE PICTURE. It is an adaptation of  Evans' autobiography of the same name. Evans was and is a colorful character, having epitomized Hollywood cool in the 1970's (he was married to Ali MacGraw, friends with Jack Nicholson and produced THE GODFATHER, CHINATOWN, and ROSEMARY'S BABY) and Hollywood down-and-out in the 1980's (he was convicted of trying to buy cocaine and linked to the murder of an investor).

So here is a little backstory...

I was a featured player on a barely known TLC reality series called "Going Hollywood". The show chronicled the day-to-day adventures of three fresh-off-the-bus interns working at Robert Evans', Method Man's, and my boss' respective production companies. My role was to help show our intern, Ian, the ropes. Ian ended up working at our company after the show ended and becoming a dear friend. He is quite possibly one of the most stand-up individuals I have ever met.

On the last day of shooting, the producers decided to have a wrap party at the interns' Real World-style house over-looking the Hollywood Hills. Everyone who participated on the show was invited and of course the cameras were rolling. It was the first time during the shoot that I had seen the house. Posters of movies produced by the interns' bosses lined the walls. I noticed a poster of Val Kilmer's THE SAINT and chuckled. "Why is there a THE SAINT poster up on the wall?" I said to no one in particular.

"Because Robert Evans produced THE SAINT," someone shouted from the crowd.

"Oh yeah, because THE SAINT is Robert Evans best work, isn't it?" I said sarcastically.

The turntables came to a screeching halt. Storm clouds drifted in and a tornado of bleached blonde hair and red lipstick marched up to me.

"Who the hell is this girl? Why are you disrespectin' Robert Evans?

I quietly looked down. Written across the woman's wife-beater was the text, "I Have Issues."

"Who the hell do you think you are!? Go back to film school! Don't you know who Robert Evans is??"

I sure did know who Robert Evans was, but I had no idea who she was.

After some stares from the producers, I quickly put together she was the president of Robert Evans' company.

I apologized but politely tried to explain to her that I wasn't "disrespectin''" Robert Evans, but rather was making a point that of all the amazing movies he has produced, CHINATOWN, MARATHON MAN, THE GODFATHER, LOVE STORY, ROSEMARY'S BABY, HAROLD AND MAUDE, URBAN COWBOY (well, that's questionable), THE COTTON CLUB (highly questionable), that the one poster they put up, was THE SAINT?! I was on Robert Evans side for Christ's sake! Do you think he wants to be immortalized by THE SAINT!?

It didn't matter. The damage was already done and there was no going back. Skank Ho was flailing her arms and yelling belligerently at me. My boss caught wind of what was going on and came over to see what the problem was. He cooly tried to calm her down but she started going at him too, eventually telling him to "suck my dick!". When my boss threw his hands up in the air as if to say, "This chick is bat shit crazy!", she took it as a sign to start fistacuffs and pulled her arm back to swing at him. My boss was swiftly carried away by the producers and we were all rushed downstairs away from Trainwreck. All the meanwhile the cameras were still rolling.

We tried to get comfortable on the first floor of the house, but couldn't concentrate over all the screaming our little friend was doing upstairs. "They can all just suck my dick, those fucking wet noodles!" Figuring that Ms. Penis Envy wasn't going to shut up anytime soon, we all decided to leave.

Later in the evening Ian IMed me to say that she still hadn't left and that she just grabbed one of the party-goers by their hair.

After that evening, I lost track of Miss Piggy and unfortunately the tape of that spectacular evening never aired. Sometimes I think about Robert Evans' lady friend and what she's doing. I'm sure she's still running his company, sucking his cock, and making some wonderful B-list trash. It makes me sad. Hollywood has a lot of women who feel like they need to overcompensate in a male-driven industry. Note to females in Hollywood- wearing an "I Have Issues" wife-beater, getting drunk, and telling people to suck your dick doesn't make you tough, it makes you a drunk chick with a "I Have Issues" wife-beater on.