Critiquing the Shit Out of My Very First Post

My blog used to be really boring.
Hell, it could still be boring, who knows?
Y'all just might be nice folk who don't have the heart to tell me how much my blog bores the living shit out you.
Just like how I'm convinced that I'm mildly retarded and everyone is just too damn nice to say anything.
It's ok, you can tell me.

Hipstercrite originally started as PlasticLA back in April of 2006.
It was a place for me to go on and on and blah blah blah about my love for Los Angeles...before the Kool-Aid wore off.

I didn't take the blog very seriously.

I had about ten visitors a week, and my ten visitors were actually one visitor, my first and longest supporter and good friend in Los Angeles, Chris (Chris, that script you keep telling me that I'll write one day? That imaginary script will be dedicated to you).

Discouraged by my lack of readers and simultaneously going through a coming-of-age-esque awakening in the city whose Spanish translation means, "The Soul of Satan", I abandoned PlasticLA in the Land of Forgotten Blogs and didn't think about her until I moved to Austin, Texas. Writing a blog titled PlasticLA in a city that is the complete antithesis of Los Angeles did not seem correct, so I changed her name to something a little more apropos. Around the spring of 2009, I began taking Hipstercrite more seriously, and since then she has grown into a little fucker that haunts my dreams and dictates my life (Only when I let you, Blog! Only when I let you...)

Below is my very first post on PlasticLA.
I'm going to do a little critiquing. See what the 27 year-old blogger has to say to the 23 year-old rookie blogger who wrote this shit. Notes are in red.

The boringness will completely overwhelm you.


4/5/06

I set this blog up because I have fallen in love... (With another married man?)
I know how Tom Cruise feels. (!???)
When you love something so much you just want to jump up and down on a couch and tell the world! (Ohh....forced current event reference, I see)
Well this is my couch. (It doesn't look like a couch...it looks like a lame excuse of a blog to me!)
I have fallen in love with Los Angeles. (Ha! Sure you have! Fast foward to two years later and you're writing the same thing about Austin. You don't know what you love, my dear)

Yes, it's true.

I know you East Coasters (which I am as well) are probably wondering, "How the hell???...But it has smog and traffic and crime and no foilage and high gas prices and..." (What East Coasters!? Only one person was reading your blog..and he was from Washington!)

Well folks (WHAT FOLKS?!), let me tell you, I love all of these things (never use the word "things") about Los Angeles. I love the bad just as much as the good. I don't care that I will probably die before I'm 30 because of either (Well, I'm getting closer to 30 now, so thanks a lot, turd...):
a.) lung cancer because of air pollution
b.) car accident on the 101
c.) getting stabbed out in front of the 99 cent store
d.) no foilage
e.) high gas prices
f.) a determinental loneliness that only a twenty-something can feel

This is a wonderful city full of culture, the highest homeless rate in the nation, art, music, 9.6 murder rate, film, and obscenely large egos (which are pretty fascinating to see) ("Fascinating" huh? Just wait until your "fascination" turns into"bitterjadedcination") . There is a vast array of different ethnicities, different types of architecture, and different landscapes.
There is old, new, real, fake, bright, dull, beautiful, ugly and a lot of plastic.

Sniffing in the multi-colored afternoon air I scream, "God, I love this freakin' city! (HAHAHA!)

Overall:

D+
Post too short. There is nothing there that captures the reader and make them understand your love for Los Angeles. You need to work on your descriptive wording and humor. You have a long way to go...

Do you ever read your earlier posts? How does it make you feel? Do you see an overall improvement in your writing since then?