Cat Piss on My Bed

After putting together a costume of Little Edie from Grey Gardens for Halloween, I realized something: as a child, the only thing I was sure of was that I was to have six ex-husbands, no children, and ultimately die alone.

While playing the game MASH with my peers, I secretly wished I could have all of my potential mates and we'd live in a big dilapidated mansion in Georgia. One big happy family. I never really thought about the logistics of it though. Where would Doc Brown, Crispin Glover, Elton John circa 1972, Beetlejuice, and I all sleep?

It looks like I off to a bad start with my Elizabeth Taylor ways (I think I had a boyfriend once a long time ago), but my feelings have not changed since I was the precocious little child lusting after fictional characters and/or gay men and wearing ties. The only thing that has changed is the slow realization that I will most likely become that crazy aunt.

Oops, never mind, I don't even have any siblings.

I will be that crazy surrogate aunt.

You know who I am talking about. We've all seen them or have them in our lives. I regularly catch them at my store with their long, wispy gray hair, lime green and mustard yellow striped socks, floor length skirt, and dark-rimmed circle eyeglasses. Their hips still small due to never bearing children and crystal blue eyes still vibrant clutched in the webbing of weathered skin.

They've had fun times, oh boy have they! Probably lived on the LES, took photos of street artists on a 35mm, and slept in a shoebox with Glenn O'Brien. Then moved to Santa Fe, New Mexico for a bit, trying to detox from a short heroin stint and created metal art. Bought a Volvo wagon and drove across country trying to write a thesis about the positive attributes of adaptive reuse. Dabbled in feminism, maybe dated a chick or two on the road. Tried Buddhism for a bit, didn't eat for four days in a row, got delusional, drove the wagon off into the desert, had an epiphany about something that was later forgotten. Ultimately landed in Austin opening up a dream catcher earrings business out of the back of an Airstream trailer.

Or, I'll end up as Little Edie. With four hundred cats pissing on everything and quietly judging me (I can proudly say that I don't currently own or feed any cats...maybe there is hope...).