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Hipstercrite: My Mom Blog

Monday, February 28, 2011

My Mom Blog

Mom blogs seem to be all the trend. I'm not sure why.
Don't people relate better to self-involved twenty-something blogs? I mean reading long-winded soliloquies about ex-boyfriends and designer shoes is something we all enjoy, right?

Whether it be Dooce or The Bloggess or the ten million other popular Mom blogs, exploiting your offspring seems to be where it's at.

Well, I never told you guys, but I have a daughter. Her name is Luanne and I had her yesterday, actually. She's a fantastic child. When she exited the womb she could already talk. Her first word was, "Jesus!", but I don't think it was in a "I love Jesus!" kind of way, but more like a, "What the fuck just happened?!" kind of way. We'll need to teach her not to take the Lord's name in vain.

Isn't she a cutie patootie?

I gotta tell you though, Luanne was born hairy as shit. In my drug-induced daze I can even recall the nurses putting their hands up to their mouths and pointing. I have a feeling that the sperm bank lied to me when I asked for a Icelandic sperm. The doctor joked that I should name her "Frida". Luckily enough my bracketed foot was in the perfect location to kick him in the face.

Luanne loooooves going on shopping trips with me. She loves spending money. In fact, she already has a credit card but we have to put a limit on it. Otherwise that crazy little bitch will put me in the poor house, won't you, Luanne? WON'T YOU?

Luanne also loves to help me cook. She's a good little sport. She'll climbed right up onto the stove and crawl over to the burner flame, that's how helpful she is. In fact, usually we have to restrain her. One time when I was cutting up some vegetables she shimmied up onto my back with two knives and held them over my head for me to use. Such a good little girl.

Luanne also enjoys helping me take out the trash. I mean, maybe a little too much. She takes it out every day. In fact, one time she took the trash out without telling me and climbed into the bin and stayed there all night. The next morning the garbage truck came and took her all the way across town. I didn't realize this until the next afternoon when we were going to sit down and watch out favorite show, Dr. Oz, together. I went outside and saw a note left on the the garbage bin that read, "Don't come looking for me". That little jokester. Anyways, I trekked over to the dump where I found her playing Gin Rummy with a bunch of the garbagemen.

At night, Luanne and I usually like to wind down with a nice nightcap. She has refined knowledge in mixology, let me tell you. She not only can pour them, but she can sling them back like no other. One of her favorite pastimes is making a drink in a small wash bin and climbing in with a straw. She's a fun little girl.

I gotta say, it's terrific being a Mom! I can't wait to have others, but Ms. Luanne, well, she's a handful already. This morning I found the shoestring of my sneaker tied in a knot around the side of her crib. She was playing with the string around her neck and standing on the edge of the crib, that crazy girl. Luckily, I came in before anything serious happened, but when I tried to hug her, she bit my face.

Babies. Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.

What's your favorite Mom blog?


At 7:20 AM, Blogger Sarah Wilks said...

I love this post. Brilliant.

At 7:41 AM, Blogger erin said...

Ha. I think that if you talk about your kids in a way that's entertaining and charming and not all "My kids are fantastic because I am the most fantastic MOM ever!" then you can have a 'Mommy Blog' that transcends the usual term.

BUT, this post was way better than 85% of the posts on all blogs, 'Mommy Blogs' or not.

At 7:45 AM, Blogger Youngurbanamateur said...

I can't even think about actual Mom Blogs right now. My head is overcome by two conflicting ideas.
1) That was creepy as hell, like the discount second-tier modern art that shows up at museums in small American cities.
2) That was awesome and hilarious.

Unsurprisingly, Conflicting Idea #2 is winning.

At 8:52 AM, Blogger kellynD said...

Bahahahaha I love this. I was just thinking the other day at how many blogs I read that now revolve around children and being pregnant.

At 9:16 AM, Blogger -Your Friendly Neighborhood Dentonista said...

I am laughing my heinie off, and, for the record, I LOVE Dooce.

At 9:33 AM, Blogger Jessica said...

No offense, but your daughter is creepy to look at.

But damn funny to read about.

At 9:34 AM, Blogger Brooke Farmer said...

The photos made this post!

At 10:07 AM, Blogger KeLLy aNN said...

You should borrow my womb weebles.
They'll do ya proud.
minus the unibrow.

At 10:17 AM, Blogger IT (aka Ivan Toblog) said...

Luanne looks just like the kid next door, only more lively.
His name is Bert.

At 10:24 AM, Blogger Lavina said...

JUST had this conversation with my mom. She insists that the second one pops out, my once quasi- entertaining blog will turn in to a wasteland where I go to uncontrollably purge pictures of my children doing nothing onto uninterested friends and family.

AND I don't think you can call a Disney Cruise "travel"

Alas if I do go the way of the "Mommy Blog" I hope my subject is as awesome as yours!

At 11:01 AM, Blogger Big Mark 243 said...

You do realize this is gold, right? Don't let some other psuedo-hip wankster beat you to the punch... get your hat with the light on it and a pick axe and mind this for gold... I can even see a movie in it..!

Don''t be scairt..! Go for it..!

At 11:25 AM, Blogger The Vegetable Assassin said...

Hee. I snorted in delight at the mom blog dis.

I don't get them either because I'm not a mom, have no desire to be one and don't really like kids at all, so I can't relate. I think people drop a sprog then their whole life and every conversation becomes about that and well. Zzzzzz. The only mommy blogs I read are people who're self deprecating and funny and can talk about other things besides the "cute" stuff their kid does.

I only think Dooce became popular because a) she was doing it early on when there weren't many other mommy bloggers and b) she was also pretty funny back then. Now everyone thinks they can be the next Dooce when it's impossible because the competition's made it too boringly normal to be a mommy blogger and most of them are neither original in any way or all that interesting.

Now I'd read about old unibrow Luanne any day. :)

At 11:51 AM, Blogger andrea said...

also requirements to have a mum blog are a hipster husband and to dress your child exclusively in vintage clothes that will make him cringe when hes older.

At 11:52 AM, Blogger andrea said...

also requirements to have a mum blog are a hipster husband and to dress your child exclusively in vintage clothes that will make him cringe when hes older.

At 12:03 PM, Blogger Kris said...

I don't read any mom blogs regularly... Despite their popularity. Which made this perfect.

At 12:45 PM, Blogger Jenn - There's Your Karma said...

Dude, I agree - when is the self-involved twenty something trend going to happen. I want in on that action.

At 1:30 PM, Blogger Hipstercrite said...

@Sarah- Ha! Thanks!

@Erin- Totally agree. Just like everything in life, there has to be balance. Especially with writing. And thank you!

@YUA- I love mannequins. I would have used a mannequin if I had one.

@KellynD- Yes, mom/children blogs seem to be the majority, don't they?

@Dentista- Her blog is great!

@Jessica- No offense taken. She's down right butt ugly.

@Brooke- Ha. I've had that doll sitting in my apartment for awhile now and my roommate was like, "ummm...."

@Kelly Ann- What are womb weebles?!?

@IT- Does Bert live with an Ernie?

@Lavina- You should do a mommy blog. I'm sure yours will be interesting!

@Mark- You have way too much faith in me.

@Vegetable Assassin- Excellent points and I totally agree. Dooce wouldn't have a chance nowadays. I'm disappointed when I go to her blog now, there is really no substance anymore!

@Andrea- And naming your kid something like Atticus or Juniper (which I probably totally would).

@Kris- Ha! Thanks!

@Jenn- Hahahahaha...hasn't it always been around?

At 2:04 PM, Blogger Sassy said...

The fact that she has a unibrow warms my heart.

At 2:08 PM, Anonymous MG said...

I'll have you know that I had a unibrow as a child. It was horrific. The day my mom got it waxed for me was the best day ever. Uni on a girl = not cute. Woof.

At 2:56 PM, Blogger RenRexx said...

Why does your baby look asian?
I never really it too appealing to follow blogs recounting things that weren't quite aimed at me. I tried reading "mommy blogs" but it was just so hard to follow; I quickly lost interest. I tend to follow single/break up blogs with much more interest.

At 2:59 PM, Blogger Hipstercrite said...

@Sassy- F yeah she does! And I ain't plucking it. She's going to wear it proudly.

@MG- I can see where as a child it would be horrible, but there are lots of women who embrace the unibrow now. A legio of Frida followers. I think it rocks.

@RenRexx- Because I gauged the baby's eyes in with a screwdriver...

At 5:25 PM, Anonymous cj Schlottman said...

Lauren, I laughed until I snorted while reading this mom blog parody! You are the bomb!


At 6:46 PM, Blogger Skeptical Czarina said...

Things change when you hit thirty...just sayin'

At 2:36 PM, Anonymous M said...

Amazingness. I love this post. Cracked my shizz up.

At 8:26 AM, Anonymous Skinny Dip said...

I love how it looks like Luanne is drinking a long island ice-tea!

At 12:05 PM, Blogger Nicole said...

I stay clear of mom blogs. I don't have any children and plan never to have any so it's hard for me to relate to mom blogs.

However I could read about your baby Luanne all day long. I love the pics. Awesome.


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