Am I a Hipster?

Hipster Scorecard

1.) I wear non-prescription glasses, suspenders, and ties (bow included) (-1 for wearing glasses THAT I DON'T FUCKING NEED)

Yes, that is a fanny pack

2.) However, I've been wearing non-prescription glasses, suspenders, and ties since I was six years old and didn't even know what a hipster was (+1 for being the coolest kid ever, even though I was called "dyke" on a daily basis in middle school)

3.) For having a car as my main mode of transportation (+1 for not being environmentally conscious)

4.) I'm always six months behind on what the hot new indie band is (+1 for still loving, and I mean loving, Lindsey Buckingham)

5.) I don't wear pencil jeans, I'm not a size zero, and I typically smile (+1 for not being an emo kid disguised as a hipster)

6.) There exists many pictures of me wearing mustaches (-1 for having penis envy)

The Selleck

7.) I live in Austin, TX (-1 for living in the town that gets written up about in EVERY GOD FORSAKEN PUBLICATION)

8.) At least I'm not in Williamsburg (+1 for being smart enough not to be broke in New York City)

9.) But I did TRY living in a raw loft in Downtown Los Angeles where I'd listen to rats run alongside my bed at night and am pretty sure a cockroach fell onto my face while sleeping (-1 for trying waaaaay too hard)

10.) I don't walk/stand like I have polio in my legs (+1 for having good posture and not deluding myself into thinking a Lookbook profile means I'm interesting)

11.) I worked for a company whose name is an exclaimed adjective followed by an exclaimed adverb in a warehouse on Austin's Eastside (-1 for trying to be so LES 1977)

12.) You will never catch me wearing a t-shirt or sweatshirt with any of the following on it 1.) wolves 2.) moon 3.) wolves barking at moon 4.) horses galloping towards moon 5.) moons making love to moons 6.) cats with laser eyes 7.) cats shooting lasers at moons with wolves and horses galloping on it (+1 for just not getting the whole moon/wolf/horses/cat obsession)

13.) I don't wear flannel (+1). Except this one time....and it's an American Apparel photo shoot (-10,000)

Girl, what is up with those glasses?

14.) I worship David Byrne (-1 for loving the ultimate hipster)

15.) I don't drink beer. Or PBR. Or Four Loko. Oh wait! Four Loko tastes like candy, doesn't it? Mmmm.... (+1 for priding myself on not having a muffin top)

16.) I don't wear Tom's (+1 for not wanting arthritis when I'm older)

17.) I would totally carry around a Diana or Holga if I had one -(-1 for mistaking low fidelity as artistic talent)

18.) I once stayed at the Jupiter Hotel in Portland and didn't get it. Could have been because I was with my Mom who thought that the Ikea aesthetic and condom on the nightstand wasn't worth the $100/night. (+1 for never once looking at Elliott Smith's mural in the five years I lived in L.A.)

19.) I wear American Apparel (-1)

20.) I worked part-time at American Apparel (-4,000,000)