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Hipstercrite: To Serve Man

Thursday, January 14, 2010

To Serve Man

This is what happens when you're in a bad mood, stressed, and have writer's block.



I declared this week "What is Love?" week on my blog, which was really a dumb ass idea. Since I obviously have no idea what love is, I can't really talk about it then, can I? Huh? HUH?

There are only so many posts (one, really) where I can a.) talk about how I've never been in love and b.) realize that I have no idea what the hell love is.

This really makes me want to write a post about how I'm going to turn into "that woman". You know, the one that you see in the supermarket with dream catcher earrings, talking really loud to herself, then directing questions to passersby, laughing hysterically before the passersby even finishe a sympathetic answer, loading up the cart with 25 cans of Chicken Corn Chowder soup which she will eat at home alone later that evening while watching a Monk marathon.

But then I realized I've already written that post. About four times now.

Am I really that boring?

That I not only have no idea what love is, I also have nothing to write about?

Great. So now, this leaves me sitting here in my underwear, with a tumbler of Jameson, the Tivo on pause for the last 30 minutes while I not only contemplate writing, I'm contemplate my whole existence.

Oh, I know!

Maybe I'll text a couple of ex-boyfriends and see if that does anything. I'll be right back and keep you updated....


So needless to say, I AM that boring. The only texting I did, was send my recent ex who I still talk to every day, a photo of my reflection in the bathtub metal nobby thing (what the hell is it called?) because I looked retarded in it. Then I went to bed at 10:30PM.

I was going to put the picture up cause it's PG, but I look like the bad dude in that Twilight Zone episode, "To Serve Man". You know, the one where these aliens come to Earth acting all nice and E.T.-like, telling everyone to move to their paradise-like planet, but what they really want to do is use their cookbooks called "To Serve Man". Yep, you got it. They are going to eat YOU and that just freaks me out way too much.

Imagine this dude looking back at you in the tub. IMAGINE IT!

F it.
Here it is.
I look like I'm secretly tricking you into moving to my planet so I can eat you later on.
That smug grin...

Happy that "What is Love?" week is officially over. I obviously can't handle it.



At 9:51 AM, Blogger Angie said...

Great photo! I can't believe the reflection was good enough for you to take a picture!

At 10:02 AM, Blogger Apryl said...

Well, your "What is Love" week inspired (along with a tragedy) my blog today and I shouted you out.

So all is not lost.

(and for record, you didn't have sweet popped collar like Twilight Zone alien, so I think you're safe)

At 10:03 AM, Blogger Amanda said...

nor do you have a bulbous brain. always a plus.

At 10:07 AM, Blogger That Gal Kiki said...

Oh, darlin... you CAN handle it! I get stuck too, especially when my brain is in overload with much to say, but I don't seem to have the words. Writing this post is a fantastic way to keep the wheels in motion. Step away from the subject. It will find you when it's meant to and your fingers will flow.


At 10:34 AM, Blogger Ivan Toblog (aka IT) said...

Well, so much for coming over and expecting to find the recipe... honest that's the first thing that popped (almost wrote pooped) into my mind.

At 10:46 AM, Blogger Colleen said...

From reading just this one post,I cant tell, YOU ARE SOOOO NOT BORING!

You're hilarious! and you kind of remind me of myself. Especially the Twilight Zone bit.

At 11:00 AM, Blogger Christopher said...

I have to say I'm officially creeped out. Nice job!

At 12:02 PM, Blogger Ms. P said...

haha LOVE this blog! You are too funny...

also, I often resort to texting exes after pondering love/my existence. to no avail.

At 12:16 PM, Blogger M said...

Fiiiiirst of all, you do not look like an alien. You look cute and bathtubby.

Secondly, even those of us who have been in love still ponder what love really is.

Thirdly, it's not as easy as "love is ___________." I personally believe that love comes in countless colors and forms. It doesn't fit into a box and it's often not as easy as "I love you" or "I don't love you." There are lots of in-between loves that encompass a number of different relationship types.

I personally think that very few people - at least in my experience - understand this about love, or believe it to be true. My ex-boyfriend is VERY black/white about love*, and that's why we're no longer together.

*See: different Planes of Happiness

At 2:15 PM, Blogger Christina In Wonderland said...

Thanks to you, I'll probably never be able to take a bath again. I'll live my whole life as that smelly girl... Thanks. :) Lol.

At 2:27 PM, Blogger Hipstercrite said...

@Angie-'s those small, child-like things that keep us entertained.

@Apryl- Thanks for the shout out today!

@Amanda- I almost wish I had a bulbous brain. That's means I'd be really really smart.

@Kiki- You're right. I think this weekend I'm just going to step away for a bit. Cool off.

@Ivan- I thought about writing a recipe for you, but I figured it would be too graphic!

@Colleen- Thanks for that!

@Christopher- Yeah, so am I

@Ms. P- It's a bad habit I get into...;)

@M- I'm envious of the way you CAN write about love.

@Christina- That's ok. I'll join you in being the smelly girl!

At 2:30 PM, Blogger Just me.... said...

You are far too hard on yourself... neither boring nor creepy nor ugly...

I'm glad you're here.


At 2:49 PM, Blogger Rebecca said...

First of all, I love that you sit on the floor in underwear nursing Jameson when you've got writers block. I do the same thing (with my ipod paused instead of TiVo), but with vodka. Because I can't afford Jameson. :(

I couldn't do a week on love either... my lack of love is the reason I can't finish my novel either, so I hear ya.

At 4:35 PM, Blogger Allie said...

You're great. And not boring at all. The picture was hilarious! About love: it's good that you don't know what it is- you don't have to deal with the stresses of being in it!

At 5:45 PM, Blogger M said...

PS, love the new blog header!!

At 8:43 PM, Blogger A.J. Bingham said...

Eh, you need more frontal lobe. Try taking ginkgo balboa. I should try theme weeks.

At 9:40 PM, Blogger That Chelsea Girlâ„¢ said...

"To Serve Man" is probably in my top three of favorite Twilight Zone epis. Good luck with the writer's block!

At 9:43 PM, Blogger Libby said...

While waiting at a bar for my friends to get here, I'm reading your blog. The crep of a girl in the corner with a blackberry glow. But like mama said you just can't herie love, you just have to wait.

At 6:31 AM, Blogger Just me.... said...

Lauren.. the pic of you at the top of your blog.... awesome! Love love love the dress!

Keep it up!

At 6:54 AM, Blogger Langley said...

Instead of trying to define and say what love is say what you would love love to be.

All you need is love. And whiskey.

At 6:56 AM, Blogger Em said...

Ah, not boring at all.

And, Good Gad, who gets love anyway? Certainly not me.

At 8:15 AM, Blogger Austin Eavesdropper said...

Ohh ohh. I just want you to know that I am LOVING this new blog header! Yesssss

Now. On the subject of love. (<--say in British accent) No, seriously, here is the overly simplistic way I think about love:

Attraction (the lusty kind) + I respect them + they are my buddy + we can work through problems + our worldviews are fairly similar (i.e., I'm watching Daily Show in one room, he's watching Glenn Beck in another) = BEGINNING of love

And, anything after that is on me. Love is an action verb in my eyes, I guess.

That was probably a very convoluted explanation but I hope it made sense. I also think love is a timing thing. You can want to jump someone's bones anytime, but being in a place in your life when you're ready to love (in the verb way) is much more specific.

My $0.02!

At 8:18 AM, Blogger Austin Eavesdropper said...

Haha. Just want to clarify that me watching Daily Show in one room while he watches Glenn Beck in another would be an example of us NOT sharing similar worldviews. :) I made it sound like pretty much the opposite in the comment above.

I am smrt.

At 12:45 PM, Blogger Barbara said...

I love the photo! I don't think anyone can answer the "What is love?" question.

At 8:59 AM, Blogger IT said...

Graphics I can understand. It's the words that escape me... literally... like farts.

At 5:11 PM, Blogger Big Mark 243 said...

You know the cat in the picture is the actor who portrayed the Jaws character in the 80's James Bond movies.

I missed 'what is love' week. You know, even though it got middling reviews, I liked 'Down With Love'...

One of the reasons that I am 'excavatin' and educatin'' this particular entry, is that I am having a certain kind of Friday night and seeing this line on your blog attracted me.

Hope you are out and in the world and not sitting around like I am (though for me, sitting around is NOT that bad!!)


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