Rotten Shark Meat in Yo Mustache

My Grandmother introduces her boyfriend of twelve years as "my great...friend". Not "my boyfriend" or "my 82 year-old Jewish lover" or "the dude I sued because my heel got caught in an uprooted tile in the building he owns and we started dating soon after that", but something that requires a long pause before finishing the sentence.

My Grandmother does this mostly due to her embarrassment of Lionel's barking in public. The barking is typically followed by a swift slap to my Grandma's surprisingly firm 83 year-old ass, then loud commentary to no one in particular about how he's dating an "old lady". He'll then feign falling over, bark some more, and at this point the owner of whatever establishment they're in, politely asks Lionel to leave. My Grandma will stand there in her teal angora shoulder padded sweater dress smiling away, when really she's fantasizing about lining Lionel and her two ex-husbands against a wall and beating them with her treasured marbled elephant from Algiers.

I've been off the radar recently due to the gaining of my own "Special Gentleman Friend" (some people in my family, hometown, and probably a couple of complete strangers just lost a butt load of money there) who, unlike my Grandmother and her great...friend, I do enjoying seeing and who does not make animal noises. However, he does force me to listen to heavy metal AND rap music and has reenacted the scene involving "Zelda- the Scoliosis lady who is really played by a fucking scary ass dude in Pet Sematary" when I adamantly shouted at him not to while rocking myself into a ball. Other than that, he's cool. So cool in fact, that he carries around 9 month old shark meat in the trunk of his car.

SGF recently traveled to Iceland on a whim. He biked the entire country, slept in tents and abandoned buildings, and partook in the culture of the Icelandics- which included eating a goat's face and rancid shark meat. If you haven't heard Anthony Bourdain or Andrew Zimmern's very strong feelings on the delicacy, Hakarl is shark meat that is fermented for months (to drain the ammonia out), then dried for many more. As I described to SPG, the meat has the aroma of a dead raccoon that has been stuffed in the women's used tampon box at the Venice Beach boardwalk restroom for weeks. But Goddammit, that smell did not stop SPG from wearing that putrid shit through customs on his way back to America.

After two seconds of meeting SGF, he will you offer you a taste of his rotten shark meat. He will describe the smell as "road kill that has been urinated on" and insist that there isn't enough ammonia left in it to kill you. You will say "No!" if you're a girl, "Fuck yeah!" if you're a guy, and "Don't get near me, your mustache smells like a dead vagina" if you're me. No matter what you decide, the smell will permeate every orifice of your body for days and you'll be left wondering who that strange man with the rotten shark meat in his handlebar mustache was.

He's Special Gentleman Friend.
And I kind of like him.

Go E.A.S.T., Young Man

Once a year, the studios and galleries of East Austin open up their doors and share with you the magic of the local art scene. This past weekend over 154 studios participated in the East Austin Studio Tour. If you missed out, don't worry, E.A.S.T. has expanded until next weekend, so make sure you stop by!

Our space was lucky enough to be included in the newly added Preview night which enabled art collectors to preview artists' work before anyone else. Here are pictures below. We were fortunate to have a variety of unique and talented artists showcase their work.

Photograph by Leah Ross

Art by Andrea Barringer

Art by Justin Wright

Artist Jen Bradley

Art by Adreon Henry

Art by Luther Himes

Art by Eric Schoen

Me me me and my tiny photos

Sometimes I Look Like a Tranny

This week I'm sick and burnt out on work, root canals, and photo projects blah blah blah....this blog is not for little bitches so I'll stop right there. However, all of those conditions generally leave me uninspired (nothing says imagination party pooper like having your nerve ripped out of your mouth). Luckily, I live in a town full of creative people (seriously it's like 1 in every 2 people are genuinely creative....genuinely....did you hear that, LA?) The entire city of Austin is like NYU film school, but instead of scarves and Cosmos, it's flannels and PBR.

The lovely Austin Eavesdropper is having yet another party this week! (Last week she rocked us with the Austin Blogger's Bleet-Up. Check out what you missed here.)

In support of Austin's Urban and DIY Gardening, Bad Seed Promotions is hosting a 1920's themed shindig at Eastside's The Liberty this Sunday 11/15 from 6-10PM.

Come and say hi! I will most likely be the girl that looks like a tranny snapping photos for The Austin Chronicle's Chrontourage. Seriously, check out this photo below. This was me one Halloween trying to be Marlene Dietrich. I look more like Harpo Marx in drag.

That's ok too.

Chocolate Candy Jesus Christ

It takes a lot for me to get excited about a new band. Which is interesting because I live in Austin, TX- one of the best places to see new and pre-fucked by the diseased penis' of major corporations music. However, I'm super stoked to check out the sold-out Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros at The Independent @ 501 Studios tonight. So stoked that I put on my recently purchased 60's cream tunic for the show tonight, totally not realizing that I now look like Luke Skywalker.

Not only is this band exciting and unique, but for me, they tap into my deeply rooted fascination with the faux traveling-Evangelical-Americana-thang. I would totally change my name to "Iyzebel" and leave my life behind to travel on the road with this band. I would concoct some sort of "miracle drink" and hock it on the side of the road wearing a dress made out of rice bags.

Every aspect of their music- the gazillion member band, the diversity of their voices, the layers of traditional and uncommonly used instruments, the seemingly haphazard noises in the background all make for a fresh musical experience . Their music paints a vivid portrait in your head of a life that you've never lived, but always wanted to. A life that consists of you, your honey, and the open road.

Edward is great and all, but I can't get over the auditory wisdom and sexiness that pours out of Jade Castrinos. Man, I envisioned this weathered and tethered female Johnny Cash circa 1965 and THEN I READ SHE WAS A YOUNG GIRL THAT WORKED AT AMERICAN APPAREL AND I WAS LIKE, "DEAR LORD NO!"

This Must be the Place- American Psycho Style

My super charming, middle-aged best friend from Germany who once froze a dead cat (not for sadistic purposes, but because he didn't want the owner to think it passed away so quickly on his watch, so he was going to microwave it right before the owner came home from vacation) thinks I'm ahead of the curve when it comes to the movie/music/art scenes.

That is a fallacy.

I only give the illusion that I am. Just like how many people think I'm tall because I've been wearing heels since I was 13 (like my grandmother, which practice recently got her in trouble on the treadmill and she fell and broke her wrist). I'm typically anywhere from 2-6 months behind which is why this blog will never be on the cutting edge for knowledge thirsty hipsters. Unless you want to know anything about Pee-Wee Herman, then I'm super on the ball.

So, I'm SURE you've already seen this video below. I typically don't post videos on my blog (unless it's Pee-Wee Herman), but this one I just can't resist. It sandwiches together possibly my two favorite things on this planet (besides Pee-Wee Herman)- "This Must be the Place" by Talking Heads and Bret Easton Ellis. Let me share with you how much I love each:

This Must be the Place-

-According to Itunes, I have listened to over 5,000. That does not include listening to it in the car or on various computers and Ipods through the past ten years I have loved this song. There is a good chance that everyone in my life secretly hates e for this and has never told me.

-I want this song played at my wedding and funeral. I don't give a shit what my husband wants.

-If I ever get a tattoo, it will be of the first line in this song, "Home is where I want to be, pick me up and turn me 'round". Or a mural of Pee-Wee's Playhouse on my chest.

-I distinctly recall the first time I ever heard this song. I was sixteen years old and had rented the 15th Anniversary Re-release of Stop Making Sense on DVD. Within the first few seconds of hearing the keyboards juxtaposed with David Byrne's minimalist photography onscreen, I was hooked.

Bret Easton Ellis-

- I own and have read all his books (except for friggin' GLAMORAMA, that one is like pulling teeth)

-I used to read LESS THAN ZERO every time I flew from L.A. to back home in NY. However, instead of cocaine and models, it was flannels and Keystone light.

-I shop at Oliver Peoples and exercise a daily facial cleansing regiment. A very serious facial cleansing regiment.

And this Talking Heads/Bret Easton Ellis combo is totally fitting considering that Bret Easton Ellis typically quotes Talking Heads songs in his novels and Talking Heads wrote a song call "Psycho Killer". They're practically BFFs now.

With all this being said, the cover below sucks ass (I'm sorry Miles Fisher, you're insanely adorable and do an excellent performance in this music video, but the cover sounds like it should be on Radio Disney).

So start your afternoon off right with Patrick Bateman's cover of "This Must be the Place".

Hairy Gay Men

As I anxiously await the Austin Bloggers Bleet-Up tomorrow, I've been biding my time (i.e. becoming categorically obsessed) with checking my blog referrals. I feel like I've suddenly been given a super human power. The power of peering into the human psyche and realizing that the entire world is one giant gay man.

Do you know the most commonly searched item in where my blog pops up, is "Hairy Gay Men" or "hairygaymen" (for you lazy people who don't like to hit the space bar, or does combining the words together symbolize some kinky shit that I don't understand?). Other search items are variations of the former such as "OLD GAY MEN ON VACATION PICTURES" and "Sailor Gay Man".

My favorite searches are probably "My roommate is like the one in Single White Female" and "Ice Buckets in Downtown L.A." (who Googles that?....or does it symbolize some kinky shit that I don't understand?)

Other honorbale mentions include:

Caleb Followill Sexy Dancing

Ruth Fisher Worst Character

Rob Evans Sucks Dick

Disco Pant

Discovering Sexuality

When I read these referrals, a strong image is conjured: A big gay "bear" sitting at his computer, shopping on AmericanApparel.net, watching "Six Feet Under" and thinking how much he hates his Mom, Kings of Leon playing in the background and daydreaming about the lead singer dancing with no shirt on.

YES! I've reached my intended audience (and let me tell you, in another life I would be a big hairy bear too).

P.S. I know Alec Baldwin is not gay. I can tell you from first-hand experience that he is AN ASS though.

Austin Bleet-Up

I'm sure you're all getting sick of me gushing about Austin.

Tough shit.

One of the many reasons why this town rocks is the blogging community. Not only have they welcomed me in with open arms, but they've also spread my name around town (good thing I haven't slept with any of them).

Thanks to Austin Eavesdropper, I'll finally get to put faces to the blogs this Thursday at the Austin Bleet-Up at the Mohawk. Make sure to RSVP.

For all of you folks wishin' you lived in such a cool town, see what you're missing! Here is a list of some of the best bloggers, scenesters, and movers and shakers in Austin.

Austin friends, who am I forgetting? I still don't know everyone yet...

Also, if you're an Austin blogger and we haven't met, send me your URL.

-Austin Eavesdropper- Mama blogger of Austin. If you want to know what's going on in town, this blog is a must.

-Sailor Legs- One of my new favorite Austin bloggers that I can't wait to actually talk to (instead of shout at while both costumed).

-Party Ends- The lovely Luther and John and their Pitch Fork hating ways.

-Knuckle Rumbler- Check out Knuckle Rumbler's own shindig at the Scoot Inn the following day.

-The Peen Scene- The blog that makes me feel lame for sitting home frequently on Saturday nights.

-Austin Carnivore- Cause he invites homeless people into his car.

-Adored Austin - One of my favorite Austin fashion blogs!

-Ultra 8201 - Another terrific Nightlife blog

-Austin is Burning - Cause she's wearing my favorite clothing item at American Apparel- the Disco Pant

-Thar She Blargs - She might not blog much, but she's the most adorable young woman trapped in a 80 year old's mind that you'll ever meet.

-Learning Secrets- Probably the busiest DJs/Music PR dudes in town

-East Austinite- East side 4 eva

-Austin Bloggy Limits- Last, but not least....